The New Pun Book by Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey (books for 5 year olds to read themselves .txt) 📖
- Author: Thomas A. Brown and T. J. Carey
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"Castles in the air are walled in by fancy," remarked the poet. "Faith, I'd prefer a rale fence," said Pat.
A boy who is frequently chastised both by his mother and grandmother, speaks of them as "a spanking team."
[63]A man aroused his wife from a sound sleep, the other night, saying that he had seen a ghost in the shape of a donkey.
"Oh! let me sleep," the irate dame rejoined, "and don't be frightened at your own shadow."
"What a fearful night I had when I drew this gun the first time!" said the bartender, as he showed a handsome silver-mounted Colt.
"When was it?" gasped the crowd.
"Night before last at the raffle in Kelley's!"
"Gee whizz!" said the boy who had been forced to take castor oil. "I do wish ma was a Christian Scientist!"
If you want to see a strong organization, look at the whisky dealers; if you want to see a weak one, look at the consumers.
My savings are complete;
I light the candle at both ends,
And thus make both ends meet.
[64]"There goes a man who leads in letters."
"Ah, indeed! What's his name?"
"A.A. Adams."
Lawyers practice at the bar, while bartenders and mosquitoes practice inside of it.
A squall on the sea is a stress of weather, and a squaller on land is a songstress.
Adversity is not without comfort—your enemy may be in harder luck than you.
When a man is short of money he finds most of his friends whom he meets short-sighted.
Once wept till her tears flowed in torence.
When asked why she cried,
She sighed, and replied,
"The Sheriff's been here with some worence."
[65]In this glorious land of the free, you always have to pay for the drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch.
Grace—"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more."
Bella—"Why, I thought they were engaged."
Grace—"So they are. They just sit for hours and hold each other's hands."
"Do you believe in luck?"
"Sometimes. See that fat woman with the red hat over there?"
"Yes."
"Twenty years ago she refused to marry me."
"Haven't I told you before," he cried, "to sing out the names of stations clearly and distinctly? Bear in mind. Sing 'em out. Do you hear?"
"I will sir."
And when the next train came in the passengers were considerably astonished to hear Pat sing:
Passing to and fro,
Change here for Limerick,
Galway and Mayo."
[66]"A butcher knows how to make both ends meet."
"Yes, if you give him the proper steer."
"That man has had five wives."
"Tandem or simultaneously?"
"I don't understand."
"Is he a Mormon or a Chicago man?"
He—How does it happen that none of you women have come forward with a new currency plan?
She—Oh, we already have a perfect one. When we need currency we just sit down and cry for it.
A boil in the pot is worth two on the neck.
Letters from, a soldier of fortune—I.O.U.
"That Jane a gambler should marry."
"I'm not at all," her sister says,
"You know he has such winning ways!"
Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
I can't say, but this I protest,
All the fair are in favor of Hy-men.
An Irishman wandering up Fifth avenue saw in the window of a photographer's shop a large photograph of Mephisto. He went inside, and after gazing about the walls, said to the proprietor:
"I want to have a pichtur taken av meself an' me bruther. How much?"
The proprietor named the figure.
"All right," said Pat. "Will you take it now?"
"Where is your brother?" asked the photographer. "He's in Ireland," was the reply.
"Well my man," said the photographer, "we can't take his picture unless he is here."
"That's funny," said Pat. "Ye took a pichtur of the divil, an' he's down below."
"Did you shoot anything, Henrick?"
"Yes, a duck."
"What! a wild one?"
"No, but the farmer was wild."
[68]He—"The fact is, you women make fools of the men."
She—"Sometimes, perhaps; but sometimes we don't have to."
"What was the subject of your debate this evening?"
"Whisky."
"Was it well discussed?"
"Yes, most of the members were full of the subject."
The Doctor—"You regard society as merely a machine, do you? What part of the machinery do you consider me, for instance?"
The Professor—"You are one of the cranks."
"Do you think the elevator boy stole your watch?"
"Well, he swore up and down that he didn't."
Slopay—"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give me something to help my memory. I forget so easily."
Doctor—"Very well. I'll send you a bill every month."
[69]If the devil lost its tail, where would he go to get another one?
To a liquor store where they retail spirits.
"What must a man be that he shall be buried with military honors?"
"He must be a captain."
"Then I lose the bet."
"What did you bet?"
"I bet he must be dead."
Actor Friend (inquiring at boarding house)—Has Mr. Comedy taken his departure yet?
"Yes," snapped the landlady, "but that's all he did take; I've got his wardrobe."
"We have German bands and French bands and American bands, but you never hear of an Irish band. You couldn't have one. Every man would want to be leader."
Hence all his ills;
And nothing now agrees with him,
Excepting pills.
[70]Tommy—Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; 'cause when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was sitting all alone in the dark, I heard her say to him, "Why, Arthur, you didn't get shaved to-day."
"Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal umpires. One life for each inning."
"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep." "I only wish I could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police force."
And fond of whisky plain,
But when he joined the temperance club,
He never smiled again.
So carries her watch where she goes.
And if you examine her wardrobe you'll find
She even has clocks on her hose.
[71]Merchant (to his confidential clerk)—Here's a letter from Mr. Slowpay, but no money. What's the matter with him?
Clerk—Oh, he's all write.
"Who's all write?"
"Slowpay."
But they didn't cheer any, for there's no cheer in such writing.
"Only a silver watch," said the pawnbroker. "The last time I advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case."
"Yes," replied Hard-uppe, "but—er—circumstances alter cases, you know."
Visitor—"Oh, what a nice parrot you've got! Pretty Polly! Polly want a cracker?"
Parrot—"Oh, come off! I'm not as green as I look."
"Dear," said the physician's wife, "when can you let me have ten dollars?"
"Well," replied the medical man. "I hope to cash a draft shortly."
"Cash a draft? What draft?"
"The one I saw old Jenkins sitting in this morning."
[72]Newlywed-"What do bachelors know about women?"
Oldbach-"Lots; otherwise they would not be bachelors."
"And did you never kiss a girl under the mistletoe?"
"Well, no; its pleasanter to kiss her under the nose."
Wife-Will you see that my grave is kept green, my darling?
Husband—No, my dear, but I will plant violets upon it.
"For what reason?"
"Because I do not wish any grave-robber to dig up your body."
"How will the planting of violets upon my grave prevent them from digging me up?"
"Your grave will be kept inviolate, of course."
Haughty Lady—(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on myself?
Post Office Assistant (very politely)—Not necessarily, ma'am; it will probably accomplish more if you put it on the letter.
And vicious tools he hacks with,
He's clever, but I've come to think
He'd make a better blacksmith.
"Well, I see Admiral Dewey's rank is reduced."
"What is he, a commodore?"
"No."
"A captain?"
"No."
"Well, what is he?"
"Mrs. Dewey's second mate."
"Well, have you anything to say?" asked the Judge.
The little man on the witness stand looked around the court-room rather fearfully.
"That depends," he answered at last "Is my wife in the room?"
"I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in school?"
"Yes, ma, they call me 'Corns'."
"How dreadful! And why do they call you that?"
"Cause in our class, you know, I'm always at the foot."
[74]"Every time I get on a ferry boat it makes me cross."
"How is Uncle Mose coming on?" asked Sam Johnsing of Jim Webster.
"He will be out in a few days."
"Is his rheumatism done gone?"
"Well, not perzackly. Dar's room for improvement yit."
"Yes, I've heerd some rheumers ter dat effec'."
—"When Mrs. Riley died she left $40,000 sewed up in her bustle."
—"Dear me! That's a lot of money to leave behind."
"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion?"
"Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to the ground and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up again."
Doctor—You are fagged out; you must give up all headwork.
Patient—Why, that spells ruin! I'm a hair-dresser!
[75]After a man has had occasion to employ a first-class lawyer it is useless to tell him that talk is cheap.
The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
"Is home so dull and dreary?"
"Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;
But man and wife are one, you know;
And when alone I'm weary!"
A man stole a harness the other day and never left a trace.
"Why does a donkey eat thistles?" asked a Texas teacher of one of the largest boys in the class.
"Because he is an ass, I reckon."
"Doing anything now, Bill?"
"Oh, yes, I'm kept busy all the time."
"Ah, glad to hear it. What are you doing?"
"Looking for a job."
"Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow."
That I ever saw saw,
I never saw a saw
Saw like this saw saws.
"I see villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner.
"May it please your honor," said the latter, "that is a personal reflection."
Don't pen missives to your best girl on postal cards. She may have suspicion that you do not care two cents for her.
"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a travelling man of the recently installed clerk.
"Can I give it to you?"
"Yes, that is what I remarked."
"That's queer," said the clerk, "you're the fourth man to-day who thought I owned this hotel."
"I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up."
"Well, if he tells the truth, he lies."
Mirrors reflect without speaking and women often speak without reflecting.
If the rate of his pay he dislikes:
But a clock-and its case is
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