Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories by J. A. Hammerton and John Leech (notion reading list .txt) 📖
- Author: J. A. Hammerton and John Leech
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A Bad Ending.—"Well, William, what's become of Robert?" "What, 'aven't you 'eard, sir?" "No! Not defunct, I hope!" "That's just exactly what he 'as done, sir, and walked off with heverything he could lay his 'ands on!"
[Pg 27]
A SALVE FOR THE CONSCIENCE
Vegetarian Professor. "No, madam, not even fish. I cannot sanction the destruction of life. These little creatures, for instance, were but yesterday swimming happily in the sea."
Mrs. O'Laughlan. "Oh but, Professor, just think it's the first time the poor little things have ever been really warm in their lives!"
[Pg 28]
FELICITOUS QUOTATION
"Oh, Robert, the grouse has been kept too long! I wonder you can eat it!"
"My dear, 'we needs must love the highest when we see it.'"
(Guinevere.)
[Pg 29]
Little Boreham (relating his Alpine adventures). "There I stood, the terrible abyss yawning at my feet——" That Brute Brown. "Was it yawning when you got there, or did it start after you arrived?"
[Pg 30]
At a dinner given by my Lord Broadacres to some of his tenants, curaçoa is handed in a liqueur-glass to old Turnitops, who, swallowing it with much relish, says—"Oi zay, young man! Oi'll tak zum o' that in a moog!"
[Pg 31]
PRICE FOR AGE
Mr. Green. "You needn't be afraid of that glass of wine, uncle. It's thirty-four port, you know."
Uncle. "Thirty-four port!—Thirty-four fiddlesticks! It's no more thirty-four port than you are!"
Mr. Green. "It is I can assure you! Indeed, it's really thirty-six; and thirty-four if you return the bottles!"
[Pg 32]
FLUNKEIANA
Master. "Thompson, I believe that I have repeatedly expressed an objection to being served with stale bread at dinner. How is it my wishes have not been attended to?"
Thompson. "Well, sir, I reely don't know what is to be done! It won't do to waste it, and we can't eat it downstairs!"
[Pg 33]
CONCLUSIVE
Scene—Hibernian Table d'hôte
Guest. "Waiter! I say—this is pork! I want mutton!"
Waiter (rather bustled). "Yes, sorr, it's mutton ye want—but it's pork ye'll have!"
[Pg 34] RAMBLING RONDEAUX At Table d'hôteAt table d'hôte, I quite decline
To sit there and attempt to dine!
Of course you never dine, but "feed,"
And gobble up with fearsome greed
A hurried meal you can't define.
The room is close, and, I opine,
I should not like the food or wine;
While all the guests are dull indeed
At table d'hôte!
The clatter and the heat combine
One's appetite to undermine.
When noisy waiters take no heed,
But change the plates at railway speed—
I feel compelled to "draw my line"
At table d'hôte!
Sufficient Excuse
Jones (to Brown). I say, old fellow, I saw you last night, after that dinner. Your legs were uncommonly unsteady.
Brown. No, dear boy; legs were right enough. It was my trousers that were so "tight."
[Pg 35]
Cruel!—Lucullus Brown (on hospitable purpose intent). "Are you dining anywhere to-morrow night?" Jones (not liking to absolutely "give himself away"). "Let me see"—(considers)—"No; I'm not dining anywhere to-morrow." Lucullus Brown (seeing through the artifice). "Um! Poor chap! How hungry you will be!" ["Exeunt,—severally."
[Pg 36]
CANDID!
Simultaneously
Host (smacking his lips). "Now, what do you say to that glass of she——"
Guest. "My dear fellow, where did you get this abominable Marsala?"
Guests to be Avoided
"Hullo, old man! How is it you're dining at the club? Thought your wife told me she had the Browns and Smiths to dinner this evening?"
"No—that was yesterday. This evening she has the odds and ends."
[Pg 37] Sectarian"Hullo, John! What a jolly dish! Potatoes, greens, carrots, beans! Who's it for?"
"Mr. Binks, sir."
"Is Mr. Binks a vegetarian?"
"Oh no, sir! I believe he's Church of England!"
"TO PUT IT BROADLY"
Improvised Butler (to distinguished guest). "Will ye take anny more drink, sor?"
[Pg 38]
First Customer. "Waiter, a fried sole."
Second Customer. "Bring me a fried sole, too, waiter—and mind it is fresh."
Waiter. "Two fried soles—one fresh!"
[Pg 39]
After Many Years!—Country Parson (to distinguished Peer, who has been making THE speech of the evening). "How d'ye do, my lord? I see you don't quite remember me." Distinguished Peer. "Well—er—not altogether." C. P. "We were members of the same club at Oxford." D. P. (with awakening interest). "Oh—ah! Let me see—which club was that?" C. P. "The—er—Toilet Club, you know!"
[Pg 40]
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
She. "We expected you to dinner last night, Herr Professor. We waited half an hour for you. I hope it was not illness that prevented you from coming?"
He. "Ach, no! I vas not hongry!"
[Pg 41]
A DILEMMA
Nervous Gentleman (to two sisters). "I've got to take one of you in to dinner. A—a—let me see—a—which is the elder?"
[Pg 42]
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
Jones (to hostess, famous for her dinners). "Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hodgkinson, if you should happen to want a really good cook, I know of one who would suit you to a T!"
[Pg 43]
THE RULING PASSION STRONG AT DINNER
Laconic Waiter (thoroughly familiar with sporting Major's taste in champagne). "Seventy-four, sir?"
Sporting Major (down on his luck, after a bad week at Newmarket). "Seven-to-four, sir! Dash it! wouldn't take ten to one about anything!"
[Pg 44][Pg 45] CAUSE AND EFFECT
Host (to coachman, who is turned on as butler on grand occasions). "I want you to see that all my guests enjoy themselves, Coggledab. Don't let them have to ask for anything. Be particularly attentive to my dear aunt, Mrs. Dumbledock!"
Coggledab (in a stage-whisper, during a lull in the conversation, to Mrs. Dumbledock, who has recently joined the Blue Ribbon Army.) "'Ollands, whiskey, or cog-nack, mum? You can't be enjy-in' of yourself. You're not drinkin'!"
[Mrs. Dumbledock alters her will the next day
[Pg 46] A LITTLE DINNER OF THE FUTURE A Forecast by Mr. Punch's Own ClairvoyantAccording to the Daily Chronicle, "an American professor is looking forward to the time when cooking and dining shall become lost arts, and we shall take our sustenance in the form of tablets of concentrated things." Our esteemed contemporary appears to think that such a system would necessarily do away with all conviviality and social intercourse; but, unless Mr. Punch's clairvoyant is liable to error (which is absurd), we need not take quite so gloomy a view of the future. People will still entertain, only the dinner of the next century will be a more economical and less tedious function, and, instead of having to go through a trying interview with her cook, the coming hostess will merely look in at the nearest food chemist's, when some such conversation as the following will settle the whole business.
Hostess. We've some people coming in to take a few tablets with us this evening; what do you think I'd better have?
The Food Chemist. You will require soup, of course, madam. I could send you one of these patent soup-sprinklers, exceedingly simple to work, and quite the fashion in the highest circles: the butler sprays each guest before showing them[Pg 48] upstairs. We supply the machine, charged with the very best soup, at ninepence a night.
Hostess. No, I don't want anything fussy, it's quite an informal little gathering. An ounce of those mock-turtle jujubes at fourpence I had last time will do very well.
The F. C. Very good, madam. Then, with regard to fish? I can strongly recommend these bi-carbonate of cod and oyster sauce lozenges, or I have some sulphate of salmon and cucumber pastilles, that I think you would like, ninepence the quarter-of-a-pound.
Hostess. I'm afraid I mustn't be extravagant. I'll take a small bottle of condensed smelt tabloids (the sixpenny size), and what are left will come in nicely for the children's dinner next day.
The F. C. Precisely so, madam. And as to entrées—will you have cockscomb cachous or sweetbread pilules?
Hostess. It makes such a long dinner. I don't want a lot of things.
The F. C. In that case, madam, I think I have the very article—a most elegant electro-chemical preparation, combining entrée, joint, and bird, with[Pg 50] just a trace of vegetable matter, put up in small capsules, at one and elevenpence halfpenny the box of one dozen.
Hostess. That would be cheaper than having each course in separate tablets, wouldn't it? I think I'll try a box. What wonderful improvements they bring out nowadays, to be sure!
The F. C. They do indeed, madam. I am told that the Concentrated Food Stores will shortly be able to place on the market a series of graduated wafers, each containing a complete dinner, from a City banquet to a cutlet, at prices to correspond with the number of courses required.
Hostess. Delightful! And then the most expensive dinners will be all over in a minute, instead of dragging on to ten minutes or a quarter of an hour, as I've known them to do sometimes! I've often thought what a pity it is that we waste so much precious time as we do in merely supplying our bodily wants.
The F. C. We are improving, madam, slowly improving. And what about sweets, cheese, and savouries?
Hostess. I might have one of those two-inch[Pg 52] blocks of condensed apple-tart, and a box of cheese pills—no savouries. You see, it's only a family party!
The F. C. Exactly so, madam. And shall you be needing anything in the way of stimulants?
Hostess. Let me see—you may send me in a couple of ounces of acidulated champagne drops—the Australian quality, not the French, they're twopence an ounce dearer, and so few people notice the difference nowadays, do they?
The F. C. (to himself). Not until the next morning! (Aloud.) And liqueurs? Any brandy-balls with the coffee creams? We have some very fine essence-of-dessert jellies——. Hostess Nothing more, thank you. (To herself as she departs.) I'm sure I've spent quite enough as it is on John's stingy old relations, who never ask us to have so much as a lunch-lozenge or a tea-tabloid with them!
Lady of uncertain age (discussing dinner party). No, I cannot say it was very complimentary; they gave me to an archæologist to take down.
[Pg 47]
Old Jones. "Yes, my boy, there's wine for you, eh? I bought ten pounds worth of it the other day."
Brown. "What a lot you must have got!"
[Pg 49]
A BIG ORDER
Stout Party (to waitress), "Put me on a pancake, please!"
[Pg 51]
At a Literary and Artistic Banquet.—Waiter (to colleague). "Well, they may 'ave the intellec', Fred, but we certainly 'as the good looks!"
[Pg 53]
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