Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories by J. A. Hammerton and John Leech (notion reading list .txt) 📖
- Author: J. A. Hammerton and John Leech
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BREAKING THE ICE
Sprightly Lady. "Mr. Dormers, would you oblige me with——"
Bashful Curate (who had scarcely spoken to his fair neighbour). "O, certainly. What shall I have the pleasure to offer?——"
Lady. "—— a remark!!"
[Pg 107]
The Connoisseur.—Host (smacking his lips). "There, my boy, what do you think of that? I thought I'd give you a treat. That's '34 port, sir!" Guest. "Ah, and a very nice, sound wine, I should say! I believe it's quite as good as some I gave 37s. for the other day."
[Pg 108]
,br />A Gentle Snub.—"Here, waiter—quick! Something to eat—and look sharp!" "Yessir. What'll you 'ave, sir?" "Oh—anything—I don't care. Chop or steak—whatever you like." "You must excuse me, sir; but I don't feel called upon to decide!"
[Pg 109]
THE WAY WE LIVE NOW
Time—3 p.m. Scene—Club.
First Gilded Youth. "Had any breakfast, old chappie?"
Second Gilded Youth. "Yes. Had an egg beaten up at twelve."
First Gilded Youth (in admiration). "Doose you did! What a constitution you must have!"
[Pg 110]
THE FIRST ASPARAGUS OF THE SEASON
Farmer (at market dinner). "Wull, gen'elmen, I dunno wot be the c'rect way o' servin' these 'ere, but I gen'elly eats just the ends of 'em myself!"
[Helps himself to the tops!] [Pg 111]
THE GENIAL SEASON
Hungry-looking Acquaintance (with eye to invitation). "So glad to see you enjoying yourself!"
Fat Chap (evidently doing well). "Wrong again, old man. I'm enjoying my dinner!"
[Pg 112] A WAITER'S WARNING"Entomology in Parliament Street.—Mr. Frank W. Dufrey, 55, Parliament Street, writes to the Field:—'It will interest your entomological readers to hear that a fine specimen of the death's-head hawk moth (Acherontia atropos) was taken in Parliament Street on Monday evening. It flew into the dining-room at the Red Lion Tavern, and was captured by one of the waiters, who was alarmed at its size and the peculiar noise it made. Apart from its being rather rubbed, it is a very good specimen of the largest of our lepidoptera, and is now in my possession.'"
"William, where's John?
What, is he gone?"
"Not gone away, sir.
Sorry to say, sir;
John ill a-bed, sir,
Bad in 'is 'ed, sir.
'Ad a great fright, sir.
Turned 'is 'air wite, sir.
Last Monday night, sir."
"Struck down with fear!
How? Let me hear."
"'Orrible thing, sir,
Came on the wing sir;
Window in through, sir,
Suddently flew, sir,
Into this room, sir,
A shape from the tomb, sir.
'Twasn't a bat, sir;
No, sir, not that, sir:
[Pg 114]Moth, sir, we thought, sir.
But wen it was caught, sir,
Huttered a shriek, sir,
A scream, sir, a squeak, sir!
Hinsect, you know, sir,
Couldn't do so, sir.
Wot should we find, sir,
On its back, sir, be'ind, sir,
Printed, exact, sir?—
A skull, sir,—a fact, sir!
John gasped for breath, sir;
Thought it was Death, sir—
Notice to quit, sir.
John was that frit, sir,
John 'ad a fit, sir—
Went a'most mad, sir.
John very bad, sir;
Better, bimeby, sir;
'Opes John won't die, sir.
Doctor 'e said, sir,
Moth, named death's 'ed, sir,
In natteral 'istory, sir;
Rare; but no mystery, sir:
Honly a prize, sir,
A catch in 'is heyes, sir,
As a medical gent, sir,
No call to repent, sir—
That's 'is belief, sir.
A sirloin of beef, sir,
Just up—very nice, sir.
Bring you a slice, sir?
Potatoes and greens, sir—
And any French beans, sir?"
[Pg 113]
Mrs. Godolphin. "Shall we meet at Dunchester House to-morrow?"
Mrs. Lascelles. "No. I was there on Monday. I heard there were a few people going to-morrow."
Mrs. Godolphin. "Oh, yes. She has only asked quite a few people. On Monday, now, I hear there was quite a big rabble there!"
[Pg 115]
The Consciousness of Importance.—Mrs. Brown. "We are having some friends to dine with us on the twenty-fourth, Mr. Green, and want you to come and help to wait at table, as usual." The Family Greengrocer. "On the twenty-fourth, ma'am? I'm sorry to say I'm engaged on the twenty-fourth." Mrs. Brown. "Dear me! How unfortunate! We are so accustomed to you, and you know our ways." Mr. Green.."Yes, ma'am. Couldn't you write and put off your friends till the week after, ma'am?"
[Pg 116]
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
"By the way, your friend O'Leary dined with me last night. What a dull dog he is!"
"Oh, that depends on what company he's in!"
[Pg 117]
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
"You can't go home when it's raining like this. You'd better stay and have dinner with us!"
"Oh, it's not quite so bad as that!"
[Pg 118]
FREAKS OF NATURE
Waiter. "Now, then, look sharp! Here's that mutton chop a biling with rage at bein' kep' waitin', and a beefsteak gone away in a towering passion!"
[Pg 119]
A NEW DISH
Sympathising Swell (waiting for some chicken). "You've got no sinecure there, Thomas!"
Perspiring Footman. "Very sorry, sir—just 'elped the last of it away, sir!"
[Pg 120]
ALARMING SYMPTOMS AFTER EATING BOILED BEEF AND GOOSEBERRY PIE
Little Boy. "Oh, lor, mar, I feel just exactly as if my jacket was buttoned."
[Pg 121]
BROWN AND JONES OVER THEIR WINE
Jones. "How would I take Cronstadt? With vigour and decision, nothing more easy. My dear Brown, look here. This table is the Baltic, very well. Now look—(Jones places certain strawberries for the forts; the city of Cronstadt on this occasion only being represented by a plate of gooseberries at the back.) Here we are. The strawberries the forts: Cronstadt the gooseberries. Now a little vigour and decision! This spoon is the Duke of Wellington, three-decker, leading the van. We go in here, firing both broadsides at once, to destroy the forts to larboard and starboard; while at the same time our guns in the bows and stern-sheets smash the other forts before and behind. Very good. We are then in front of Cronstadt—the city of Cronstadt. We shell that, sir; shell it of course! Blow up the powder-magazines; capitulation ensues; the Russian fleet is in a blaze, and, my dear Brown, that is how I would take Cronstadt——"
Brown. "—— After dinner."
[Pg 122]
HEAVY
Stranger (just arrived at the City of Eastminster). "What can I have for dinner, waiter?"
Waiter. "Anything you please, sir!"
Stranger. "What are you celebrated for here?"
Waiter. "Well, sir, there's the cathedral——!!"
[Pg 123]
HORRIBLE SUSPICION
Old Gentleman. "Oh, waiter, why is it that a dinner off the joint is five shillings, but if you only have made dishes and soup, it's two shillings and sixpence?"
Waiter. "That, sir, is on account of the very high price of butcher's meat just now, sir."
[Pg 124]
SELF-EXAMINATION
Party (slightly influenced). "Queshion ish! Am I fit to go intodrawingroom? Letsh shee!—I can shay gloriush conshyshusn!—Have seen Brish inshychusion—all that shortothing—thatledo—here gosh!"
[Pg 125]
During the Cattle Show.—Old Farmer Wuzzle (reading the bill of fare). "Dinners har lar cart! What does that mean, Polly?" Miss Wuzzle (who has been to a fashionable boarding-school to be finished, who has been taught French and how "to spank the grand pianner" and who is never at a loss). "Aller cart, father? Why, that means a small, simple dinner. If you want something heavy and first-rate, you order what they call a dinner waggon!"
[Pg 126]
"March of Refinement," 1875.—Brown (behind the age, but hungry). "Give me the bill of fare, waiter."
Head Waiter. "Beg pardon, sir?"
Brown. "The bill of fare."
Head Waiter. "The what, sir? O!—ah!—Yes!"—(to subordinate)—"Chawles, bring this—this—a—gen'leman—the menoo!!"
[Pg 127]
"MELTING!"
Stout Chairman (who feels the fire close at his back rather oppressive). "Waiter, I asked you to bring me a screen."
Waiter. "Master's very sorry, sir, but we ain't got no screen!"
Stout Chairman. "Then, for goodness' sake, tell the cook to send up the dripping-pan, and put it under me, quick!"
[Pg 128]
"I say, waiter, this salmon cutlet isn't half so good as the one I had here last week."
"Can't see why, sir. It's off the same fish!"
[Pg 129]
"PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE WAITER"
"All right, sir! My fault!"
[Pg 130]
DRINKING SCENE OF THE FUTURE
(In consequence of the Growing Demand for Lighter Liquors)
Scene—The interior of a Dining-room. The ladies have just left, and the gentlemen are discussing their beverages.
Smith. I say, Brown, if it is not an impertinent question, where did you get that toast-and-water?
Brown. I thought you would be deceived! It was a cup, not the pure article! My butler is a first-rate hand at it. I will give you the recipe if you like.
Smith. Do. It was excellent. What is the secret?
Brown. Something, I fancy, to do with watercress.
Jones. I say, Brown, that was really very nice sherbet. Turkish or Persian?
Brown. Neither. Came from the Stores. Home-made.
[Pg 132]Jones. Well, it certainly was capital. I could have sworn that it had been manufactured east of the Levant.
Brown. More likely east of Temple Bar. And now shall we have a whitewash before we join the ladies?
Six Guests. No, thanks! Really not!
Half-a-dozen more of the Company. Really not! No, thanks!
Brown. Nonsense! (Produces a pint bottle of lemonade.) Nonsense, I repeat! Look here, my boys. (Locks door.) Not one of you fellows shall leave the room until you have finished this!
[Draws cork of pint bottle, and distributes the lemonade amidst the good-natured protestations of the revellers. Scene closes in upon the temperance orgy.
[Pg 131]
A PERSONAL GRIEVANCE
"I say, won't they let you go into long trousers?"
[Pg 133]
STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE
The Goormong. (Epicuri de Grege Porcus. British Isles)
Mr. Huggins. "What a 'eavenly dinner it was!"
Mr. Buggins. "B'lieve yer! Mykes yer wish yer was born 'oller!"
[Pg 134]
The New School.—Uncle (who is rather proud of his cellar). "Now George, my boy, there's a glass of champagne for you—don't get such stuff at school, eh? eh? eh?"
George. "H'm—awfully sweet! Very good sort for ladies—but I've arrived at a time of life, when I confess I like my wine dry!" (Sensation.)
[Pg 135]
Pleasant!—Lord Reginald Sansdenier (in answer to confidential remark of his host). "Twenty thousand pounds worth of plate on the table, Sir Gorgius? I wonder you ain't afraid of being robbed!"
Sir Gorgius Midas. "Robbed, my lord! Good 'evens! I'm sure yer lordship's too honnerable heven to think of sich a thing!"
[Pg 137]
Farmer. "I say, John, what do you call a pineapple—a fruit or a vegetable?"
Waiter. "A pineapple hain't neither, gentlemen. A pineapple is always a hextra!"
[Pg 136] DINING AL FRESCO (Extract from an Earl's
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