Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories by J. A. Hammerton and John Leech (notion reading list .txt) 📖
- Author: J. A. Hammerton and John Leech
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"A Strict Regard for Truth."—Nephew. "Hold up, uncle, people'll think you're screwed!"
Uncle (the wedding breakfast had been hilarious). "Shcrew'd! No, no, Sheorgsh! No' sh' bad 'sh that! 'Shame time—don' le'sh be"—(lurching heavily)—"osht'n—tas'hly shober! 'Can't bear osht'ntash'n!!"
[Pg 162]
SEASONABLE LUXURY
Old Gent (disgusted). "Here, waiter! Here's a—here's a—a—caterpillar in this chop!"
Waiter (flippantly). "Yessir. About the time o' year for 'em just now, sir!"
[Pg 163]
The "Status Quo Ante."—Squire (desiring to improve the taste of his country friends, has introduced at his table, in the place of the usual brandied Spanish and Portuguese wines, the natural vintages of France and Germany). "Now, Mr. Barleymead, how do you like this 'Chateau Lafitte'? Another glass——" Farmer B. "Thanky, sir; it's uncommon nice.—(He had drunk a bottle or two.)—But we don't seem to get no forruder!!"
[Pg 164]
COMING OUT AS A CONVERSATIONALIST
Young Ganderson (proudly conscious of the general attention) "Oh yes, it's in Soho, you know. I know the place well. They give you a capital dinner for eighteenpence—wine included."
Host (proud of his cellar). "And is the wine drinkable?"
Young Ganderson. "Oh yes—very good—better than the wine we're drinking now!"
[Pg 165]
AN AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND
Tomkins. "You are going it, old fellow! Real turtle, eh? and venison to follow, eh?"
Jobkins. "Why, yes—you see it's my wife's birthday; and as she dines early, I thought I'd celebrate the anniversary in the city."
[Pg 166]
Mistaken Identity.—(As the De Smiths, to whose dinner-party he was invited, lived in the next square, Brown thought he would walk over.) Head waiter (under a wrong impression). "This won't do, young man! We've been expectin' o' you this 'our and a 'alf! No napkins laid, no glasses, no——!!!"
[Brown never got over it all the evening.
[Pg 167]
AN AWFUL CRAMMER
Proprietor of boarding-house (taking stout guest aside). "You'll excuse me, Mr. Sharpset, but your appetite is so large that I shall be compelled to charge you a shilling extra. It can't be done at two shillings!"
Diner. "No! For heaven's sake don't do that! I can eat two shillings'-worth easy; but if I have to do three—I really—afraid I should—but I'll try!!"
[Pg 168]
THE BETTING EVIL.
Waiter (down tube). "Wild duck, one!"
Voice from the kitchen. "Did he? Just like my luck. Backed another wrong 'un!"
[Pg 169]
NOT VERY LIKELY
Waiter (in response to the Colonel's very vigorous reminder). "Oh yes, sir, immediately! 'M—let's see—a glass of milk, sir, wasn't it?"
[Pg 170]
FIGURATIVE
Head Waiter (the Old Gent had wished for a stronger cheese). "Hi! James—let loose the Gorgonzola!"
[Pg 171]
BEWILDERING
Mr. Wuzzles (up for the cattle-show). "Cheese, waiter!"
'Robert.' "Yessir! Rockfor', commonbare, grew'ere, noochattell, gorgumzo——"
Mr. Wuzzles (testily). "No, no! I said cheese!"
[Pg 172]
"ON THE FACE OF IT"
Host. "I don't like this Lafitte half so well as the last, Binns. Have you noticed any difference?"
New Butler. "Well, sir, for myself I don't drink claret; I find port agrees with me so much better!!"
[Pg 173]
Awful Warning!—Guest (at City Company dinner). "I'm uncommonly hungry!"
Ancient Liveryman (with feeling). "Take care, my dear sir, for goodness' sake, take care! D' you know it happened to me at the last Lord Mayor's dinner to burn my tongue with my first spoonful of clear turtle; 'consequence was—(sighs)—'couldn't taste at all—anything—for the rest of the evening!!"
[Pg 174]
It is quite possible to have too much of a good thing—as for example, when you get the asparagus shot over your favourite dress-coat with the silk facings.
[Pg 175]
Testy Old Uncle (unable to control his passion).
"Really, sir, this is quite intolerable! You must intend to insult me. For the last fourteen days, wherever I have dined, I have had nothing but saddle of mutton and boiled turkey—boiled turkey and saddle of mutton. I'll endure it no longer."
[Exit old gent, who alters his will.
Moral.—How ridiculous a man appears—particularly a man at a grave period of life—who is over-anxious about his eating and drinking!
[Pg 176]
"ALL THE DIFFERENCE"
Dyspeptic Diner. "Um"—(forking it suspiciously)—"what is it, waiter?"
'Robert.' "It says 'ronyongs sorty' on the menoo, sir. But I can't say what it may be on the dish!"
[Pg 177]
His Partner. "I really never heard a better speech in my life! Such a wonderful flow of——"
He. "Great Scott! That reminds me—I've left the bathroom tap at home full on!!
[Pg 178]
THE NICE LITTLE DINNER
Tommy (who is standing a feed to Harry). "Oh, hang it, you know, fourteen bob for a bottle of champagne! That's coming it rather strong, ain't it?"
Waiter (with perfect composure). "We have some cheap wine, sir, at half-a-guinea!"
[Pg 179]
TOO LITERAL BY HALF
Scene.—A "cheap" chop-house not a hundred miles from L—nd—n.
Waiter. "Paysir? Yessir—Whataveyeradsir?"
Matter-of-fact old gentleman (who has been reading the "Quarterly" on "Food and its adulterations"). "Had? why, let me see: I've had some horsetail soup, spiced with red-lead and shop-sweepings: a plate of roast cow, and cabbage boiled with verdigris: a crust of plaster of Paris, baked with alum and bone-dust: half-a-pint of porter brewed from quassia and strychnine: and a cup of charred liver, annatto, and other unknown ingredients."
[Exit waiter for a straight-waistcoat, and a stomach-pump.
[Pg 180]
Dolly. "Please, Miss Sharp, mamma says, have you really left your songs at home?"
Miss Sharp. "Yes, dear. Why?"
Dolly. "Well, papa says 'it sounds too good to be true'!"
[Pg 181]
Eureka!—Isaacstein (late of Whitechapel, showing old friend over bathroom in new house). "What am I goin' to do with it? Vell, you see, I've always rather wanted a place where I could keep goldfish!"
[Pg 182]
Juvenile. "Uncle!"
Uncle. "Now then, what is it? This is the fourth time you've woke me up, sir!"
Juvenile. "Oh! Just put a few coals on the fire, and pass the wine, that's a good old chap."
Nurseriana.—Little Chris. "Oh! mamma, mamma, baby's moulted again."
Mamma. "Moulted! What do you mean?"
Little Chris. "Why, he's just dropped another tooth!"
[Pg 183]
SAFEST WAY OF TAKING A LADY DOWN TO DINNER
(Another reminiscence of the days of the crinoline)
[Pg 184]
SAT UPON
Hospitable Host. "Does any gentleman say pudden?"
Precise Guest. "No, sir. No gentleman says pudden."
[Pg 185]
Unexpected Gratuity.—Waiter. "Beg pardon, sir, but I think you've made a mistake. This is a halfpenny!"
Old Gent (grandly). "Oh dear no—not at all, not at all! I never give less!"
[Pg 186]
Hickling (to friend, who finds some difficulty in keeping his cigar alight). "I say, old man, what matches do you smoke?"
[Pg 187]
He. "Fond of Bridge?"
She. "Awfully!"
He. "Do you know I always think there's something wanting in people who don't play?"
[Pg 188]
Old Party (very naturally excited). "Why, confound you! You are wiping my plate with your handkerchief!"
Waiter (blandly). "It's of no consequence, sir—it's only a dirty one!"
[Pg 189]
IN DESPERATE STRAITS
Jones (blue ribbon—to abstemious lady he has taken in to dinner). "Look here, madam, we don't seem to be getting on a bit! Either you must have a glass of champagne, or, by Jove, I must!!"
[Pg 190]
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
Guest (who is a bon-vivant, to host, who isn't). "You must come and dine with me, Jones!"
Host. "With pleasure, my dear friend! When?"
Guest. "Now!"
[Pg 191]
"NOT QUITE THE CHEESE!"
British Farmer. "What sort o' cheese do you call this? Full o' holes!"
Waiter. "Grew-yere, sir."
British Farmer (suspiciously). "Then just bring one that grew somewhere else!"
[Pg 192]
THE END
BRADBURY AGNEW & CO LD. PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories,
edited by J. A. Hammerton
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