Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum by John Mottley and Joe Miller (interesting books to read for teens txt) 📖

replyed the Clown, I can't read; I dare say, said the Parson you don't know who made you; not I, in troth, said the Countryman. A little Boy coming by at the same Time, who made you, Child, cry'd the Parson, God, Sir, answered the Boy. Why look you there, quoth the honest Clergyman, are not you ashamed to hear a Child of five or six Years old tell me who made him, when you that are so old a Man can not: Ah, said the Countryman, it is no Wonder that he should remember, he was made but t'other Day, it is a great while, Master, sin I were made.

31. A certain reverend Drone in the Country was complaining to another, that it was a great Fatigue to preach twice a Day. Oh! said the other, I preach twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it.

32. One of the foresaid Gentlemen, as was his Custom, preaching most exceedingly dull to a Congregation not used to him, many of them slunk out of the Church one after another, before the Sermon was near ended. Truly, said a Gentleman present, this learned Doctor has made a very moving Discourse.

33. Sir William Davenant, the Poet, had no Nose, who going along the Meuse one Day, a Beggar-Woman followed him, crying, ah! God preserve your Eye-Sight; Sir, the Lord preserve your Eye-Sight. Why, good Woman, said he, do you pray so much for my Eye-Sight? Ah! dear Sir, answered the Woman, if it should please God that you grow dim-sighted, you have no Place to hang your Spectacles on.

34. A Welchman bragging of his Family, said, his Father's Effigies was set up in Westminster-Abbey, being ask'd whereabouts, he said in the same Monument with Squire Thyne's for he was his Coachman.

35. A Person was saying, not at all to the Purpose, that really Sampson, was a very strong Man; Ay, said another, but you are much stronger, for you make nothing of lugging him by the Head and Shoulders.

36. My Lord Strangford, who stammered very much, was telling a certain Bishop that sat at his Table, that Balaam's Ass spoke because he was Pri——est—— Priest-rid, Sir, said a Valet-de-Chambre, who stood behind his Chair, my Lord would say. No, Friend, reply'd the Bishop, Balaam could not speak himself, and so his Ass spoke for him.

37. The same noble Lord ask'd a Clergy-man once, at the Bottom of his Table, why the Goose, if there was one, was always plac'd next the Parson. Really, said he, I can give no Reason for it; but your Question is so odd, that I shall never see a Goose for the future without thinking of your Lordship.

38. A Gentleman was asking another how that poor Devil S——ge could live, now my Lord T——l had turn'd him off. Upon his Wits said the other; That is living upon a slender Stock indeed, reply'd the First.

39. A Country Parson having divided his Text under two and twenty Heads, one of the Congregation went out of the Church in a great Hurry, and being met by a Friend, he ask'd him, whither he was going? Home for my Night-Cap, answered the first, For I find we are to stay here all Night.

40. A very modest young Gentleman, of the County of Tiperary, having attempted many Ways in vain, to acquire the Affections of a Lady of great Fortune, at last try'd what was to be done, by the Help of Musick, and therefore entertained her with a Serenade under her Window, at Midnight, but she ordered her Servants to drive him thence by throwing Stones at him; Your Musick, my Friend, said one of his Companions, is as powerful as that of Orpheus, for it draws the very Stones about you.

41. A certain Senator, who is not, it may be, esteemed the wisest Man in the House, has a frequent Custom of shaking his Head when another speaks, which giving Offence to a particular Person, he complained of the Affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the House, it was only an ill Habit he had got, for though he would oftentimes shake his Head, there was nothing in it.

42. A Gentleman having lent a Guinea, for two or three Days, to a Person whose Promises he had not much Faith in, was very much surpriz'd to find he very punctually kept his Word with him; the same Gentleman being sometime after desirous of borrowing the like Sum, No, said the other, you have deceived me once, and I am resolved you shan't do it a second Time.

43. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his Warrant, one of the French Prophets, a foolish Sect, that started up in his Time, to Prison; upon which Mr. Lacy, one of their Followers, came one Day to my Lord's House, and desired to speak with him, the Servants told him, he was not well, and saw no Company that Day, but tell him, said Lacy, I must see him, for I come to him from the Lord God, which being told the Chief Justice, he order'd him to come in, and ask'd him his Business; I come, said he, from the Lord, who sent me to thee, and would have thee grant a Noli Prosequi for John Atkins, whom thou hast cast into Prison: Thou art a false Prophet, answered my Lord, and a lying Knave, for if the Lord had sent thee it wou'd have been to the Attorney-General, he knows it is not in my Power to grant a Noli-Prosequi.

44. Tom B—rn—t happening to be at Dinner at my Lord Mayor's, in the latter Part of the late Queen's Reign, after two or three Healths, the Ministry was toasted, but when it came to Tom's turn to drink, he diverted it for some Time by telling a Story to the Person who sat next him; the chief Magistrate of the City not seeing his Toast go round, call'd out, Gentlemen, where sticks the Ministry? At nothing, by G—d, says Tom, and so drank off his Glass.

45. My Lord Craven, in King James the First's Reign, was very desirous to see Ben Johnson, which being told to Ben, he went to my Lord's House, but being in a very tatter'd Condition, as Poets sometimes are, the Porter refus'd him Admittance, with some saucy Language, which the other did not fail to return: My Lord happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the Occasion of it: Ben, who stood in need of no-body to speak for him, said, he understood his Lordship desired to see him; you, Friend, said my Lord, who are you? Ben Johnson, reply'd the other: No, no, quoth my Lord, you cannot be Ben Johnson who wrote the Silent Woman, you look as if you could not say Bo to a Goose: Bo, cry'd Ben, very well, said my Lord, who was better pleas'd at the Joke, than offended at the Affront, I am now convinced, by your Wit, you are Ben Johnson.

46. A certain Fop was boasting in Company that he had every Sense in Perfection; no, by G—d, said one, who was by, there is one you are entirely without, and that is Common Sense.

47. An Irish Lawyer of the Temple, having occasion to go to Dinner, left these Directions written, and put in the Key-Hole of his Chamber-Door, I am gone to the Elephant and Castle, where you shall find me; and if you can't read this Note, carry it down to the Stationer's, and he will read it for you.

48. Old Dennis who had been the author of many Plays, going by a Brandy-Shop, in St. Paul's Church-Yard; the Man who kept it, came out to him, and desired him to drink a Dram, for what Reason said he, because you are a Dramatick Poet, answered the other; well, Sir, said the old Gentleman, you are an out-of-the-way Fellow, and I will drink a Dram with you; but when he had so done, he asked him to pay for it, S'death, Sir, said the Bard, did you not ask me to drink a Dram because I was a Dramatick Poet; yes Sir, reply'd the Fellow, but I did not think you had been a Dram o'Tick Poet.

49. Daniel Purcel, the famous Punster, and a Friend of his, having a Desire to drink a Glass of Wine together, upon the 30th of January, they went to the Salutation Tavern upon Holbourn-Hill, and finding the Door shut, they knock'd at it, but it was not opened to 'em, only one of the Drawers look'd through a little Wicket, and asked what they would please to have, why open your Door, said Daniel, and draw us a Pint of Wine, the Drawer said, his Master would not allow of it that Day, it was a Fast; D—mn your Master, cry'd he, for a precise Coxcomb, is he not contented to fast himself but he must make his Doors fast too.

50. The same Gentleman calling for some Pipes in a Tavern, complained they were too short; the Drawer said they had no other, and those were but just come in: Ay, said Daniel, I see you have not bought them very long.

51. The same Gentleman as he had the Character of a great Punster, was desired one Night in Company, by a Gentleman, to make a Pun extempore, upon what Subject, said Daniel, the King, answered the other, the King, Sir, said he, is no Subject.

52. G——s E——l who, tho' he is very rich, is remarkable for his sordid Covetousness, told Cibber one Night, in the Green Room, that he was going out of Town, and was sorry to part with him, for faith he loved him, Ah! said Colley, I wish I was a Shilling for your sake, why so, said the other, because then, cry'd the Laureat, I should be sure you loved me.

53. Lord C——by coming out of the House of Lords one Day, called out, where's my Fellow! Not in England, by G—d, said a Gentleman, who stood by.

54. A Beggar asking Alms under the Name of a poor Scholar, a Gentleman to whom he apply'd himself, ask'd him a Question in Latin, the Fellow, shaking his Head, said he did not understand him: Why, said the Gentleman, did you not say you were a poor Scholar? Yes, reply'd the other, a poor one indeed, Sir, for I don't understand one Word of Latin.

55. Several Years ago when Mrs. Rogers the Player, was young and handsome, Lord North, and Grey, remarkable for his homely Face, accosting her one Night behind the Scenes, ask'd her with a Sigh, what was a Cure for Love? Your Lordship, said she, the best I know in the World.

56. Colonel ——, who made the fine Fire-Works Works in St. James's Square, upon the Peace of Reswick, being in Company with some Ladies, was highly commending the Epitaph just then set up in the Abbey on Mr. Purcel's Monument,