Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum by John Mottley and Joe Miller (interesting books to read for teens txt) 📖

a chargeable Stomach, used often to asswage his Hunger at a Lady's Table, having one Time or other promis'd to help her to a Husband. At length he came to her, Now Madam, says he, I have brought you a Knight, a Man of Worship and Dignity, one that will furnish out a Table well. Phoo, says the Lady, your Mind's ever running on your Belly; No, says he, 'tis sometimes running o'yours you see.

212. One, who had been a very termagant Wife, lying on her Death-bed, desired her Husband, That as she had brought him a Fortune she might have Liberty to make her Will, for bestowing a few Legacies to her Relations: No, by G—d, Madam, says he, You had your Will, all your Life-time, and now I'll have mine.

213. When the Lord Jefferies, before he was a Judge, was pleading at the Bar once, a Country Fellow giving Evidence against his Client, push'd the Matter very home on the Side he swore of; Jefferies, after his usual Way, call'd out to the Fellow, Hark you, you Fellow in the Leather-Doublet, what have you for swearing? To which the Countryman smartly reply'd, Faith, Sir, if you have no more for Lying than I have for Swearing, you may go in a Leather Doublet too.

214. The same Jefferies afterwards on the Bench, told an old Fellow with a long Beard, that he supposed he had a Conscience as long as his Beard: Does your Lordship, replies the old Man, measure Consciences by Beards? if so, your Lordship has no Beard at all.

215. Apelles, the famous Painter, having drawn the Picture of Alexander the Great on Horseback, brought it and presented it to that Prince, but he not bestowing that Praise on it, which so excellent a Piece deserv'd, Apelles desired a living Horse might be brought; who mov'd by Nature fell a prancing and neighing, as tho' it had actually been his living Fellow-Creature; whereupon Apelles told Alexander, his Horse understood Painting better than himself.

216. An old Gentleman who had married a fine young Lady, and being terribly afraid of Cuckoldom, took her to Task one Day, and ask'd her, if she had considered what a crying Sin it was in a Woman to cuckold her Husband? Lord, my Dear, says she, what d'ye mean? I never had such a Thought in my Head, nor never will: No, no, replied he, I shall have it in my Head, you'll have it some where else.

217. The late Lord Dorset, in a former Reign, was asking a certain Bishop, why he conferr'd Orders on so many Blockheads. Oh, my Lord, says he, 'tis better the Ground should be plowed by Asses, than lie quite untill'd.

218. A certain Lady, to excuse herself for a Frailty she had lately fallen into, said to an intimate Friend of hers, Lord, how is it possible for a Woman to keep her Cabinet unpickt, when every Fellow has got a Key to it.

219. Mr. Dryden, once at Dinner, being offered by a Lady the Rump of a Fowl, and refusing it, the Lady said, Pray, Mr. Dryden, take it, the Rump is the best Part of the Fowl; Yes, Madam, says he, and so I think it is of the Fair.

220. A Company of Gamesters falling out at a Tavern, gave one another very scurvy Language: At length those dreadful Messengers of Anger, the Bottles and Glasses flew about like Hail-Shot; one of which mistaking it's Errand, and hitting the Wainscot, instead of the Person's Head it was thrown at, brought the Drawer rushing in, who cry'd, D'ye call Gentlemen? Call Gentlemen, says one of the Standers by; no they don't call Gentlemen, but they call one another Rogue and Rascal, as fast as they can.

221. An amorous young Fellow making very warm Addresses to a marry'd Woman, Pray, Sir, be quiet, said she, I have a Husband that won't thank you for making him a Cuckold: No Madam, reply'd he, but you will I hope.

222. One observing a crooked Fellow in close Argument with another, who would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable Resolution; said to his Friend, Prithee, let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he's bent upon it.

223. Bully Dawson was overturned in a Hackney-Coach once, pretty near his Lodgings, and being got on his Legs again, he said, 'Twas the greatest Piece of Providence that ever befel him, for it had saved him the Trouble of bilking the Coachman.

224. A vigorous young Officer, who made Love to a Widow, coming a little unawares upon her once, caught her fast in his Arms. Hey day, say she, what do you fight after the French Way: take Towns before you declare War? No, faith, Widow says he, but I should be glad to imitate them so far, to be in the Middle of the Country before you could resist me.

225. Sir Godfrey Kneller, and the late Dr. Ratcliffe, had a Garden in common, but with one Gate: Sir Godfrey, upon some Occasion, ordered the Gate to be nail'd up; when the Doctor heard of it, he said, He did not Care what Sir Godfrey did to the Gate, so he did not paint it. This being told Sir Godfrey, he replied, He would take that, or any Thing from his good Friend, the Doctor, but his Physick.

226. The same Physician, who was not the humblest Man in the World, being sent for by Sir Edward Seymour, who was said to be the proudest; the Knight received him, while he was dressing his Feet and picking his Toes, being at that Time troubled with a Diabetis, and upon the Doctor's entering the Room, accosted him in this Manner, So Quack, said he, I'm a dead Man, for I piss sweet; Do ye, replied the Doctor, then prithee piss upon your Toes, for they stink damnably: And so turning round on his Heel went out of the Room.

227. A certain worthy Gentleman having among his Friends the Nickname of Bos, which was a Kind of Contraction of his real Name, when his late Majesty conferred the Honour of Peerage upon him, a Pamphlet was soon after published with many sarcastical Jokes upon him, and had this Part of a Line from Horace as a Motto, viz.

——Optat Ephippia Bos——

My Lord asked a Friend, who could read Latin, what that meant? It is as much as to say, my Lord, said he, that you become Honours as a Sow does a Saddle. O! very fine, said my Lord: Soon after another Friend coming to see him, the Pamphlet was again spoken of, I would, said my Lord, give five hundred Pounds to know the Author of it. I don't know the Author of the Pamphlet, said his Friend, but I know who wrote the Motto; Ay, cry'd my Lord, prithee who was it? Horace, answered the other: How, replied his Lordship, a dirty Dog, that his Return for all the Favours I have done him and his Brother.

228. A wild Gentleman having pick'd up his own Wife for a Mistress, the Man, to keep his Master in Countenance, got to Bed to the Maid too. In the Morning, when the Thing was discovered, the Fellow was obliged, in Attonement for his Offence, to make the Girl amends by marrying her; Well, says he, little did my Master and I think last Night, that we were robbing our own Orchards.

229. One seeing a kept Whore, who made a very great Figure, ask'd, what Estate she had? Oh, says another, a very good Estate in Tail.

230. In the great Dispute between South and Sherlock, the former, who was a great Courtier, said, His Adversary reasoned well, but he Bark'd like a Cur: To which the other reply'd, That Fawning was the Property of a Cur, as well as Barking.

231. Second Thoughts, we commonly say, are best; and young Women who pretend to be averse to Marriage, desire not to be taken at their Words. One asking a Girl, if she would have him? Faith, no, John, says she, but you may have me if you will.

232. A Gentleman lying on his Death-Bed, called to his Coachman, who had been an old Servant, and said, Ah! Tom, I'm going a long rugged Journey, worse than ever you drove me? Oh, dear Sir, reply'd the Fellow (he having been but an indifferent Master to him), ne'er let that discourage you, for it is all down Hill.

233. An honest bluff Country Farmer, meeting the Parson of the Parish in a By-Lane, and not giving him the Way so readily as he expected, the Parson, with an erected Crest, told him, He was better fed than taught: Very likely indeed Sir, reply'd the Farmer: For you teach me and I feed myself.

234. A famous Teacher of Arithmetick, who had long been married without being able to get his Wife with Child: One said to her, Madam, your Husband is an excellent Arithmetician. Yes, replies she, only he can't multiply.

235. One making a furious Assault upon a hot Apple-pye, burnt his Mouth 'till the Tears ran down; his Friend asked him, Why he wept? Only, says he, 'tis just come into my Mind, that my Grand-mother dy'd this Day twelvemonth: Phoo! says the other, is that all? So whipping a large Piece into his Mouth, he quickly sympathiz'd with his Companion; who seeing his Eyes brim full, with a malicious Sneer ask'd him, why he wept? A Pox on you, says he, because you were not hanged the same Day your Grand-mother dy'd.

236. A Lady who had married a Gentleman that was a tolerable Poet, one Day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my Dear, you write upon other People, prithee write something for me; let me see what Epitaph you'll bestow upon me when I die: Oh, my Dear, reply'd he, that's a melancholy Subject, prithee don't think of it: Nay, upon my Life you shall, adds she,——Come, I'll begin,