Joe Miller's Jests, or The Wits Vade-Mecum by John Mottley and Joe Miller (interesting books to read for teens txt) 📖

that in so long a Time, so clever a Fellow as you seem to be, have not come to be Master of the Inn yourself. Ay, said the Hostler, But Maister's Yerkshire too.

157. The late Colonel Chartres, reflecting on his ill Life and Character, told a certain Nobleman, that if such a Thing as a good Name was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000 Pounds for one; the Nobleman said, it would certainly be the worst Money he ever laid out in his Life. Why so, said the honest Colonel, because, answered my Lord, you would forfeit it again in less than a Week.

158. A seedy [poor] half-pay Captain, who was much given to blabbling every thing he heard, was told, there was but one Secret in the World he could keep, and that was where he lodged.

159. Jack M——n, going one Day into the Apartments at St. James's, found a Lady of his Acquaintance sitting in one of the Windows, who very courteously asked him, to sit down by her, telling him there was a Place, No, Madam, said he, I don't come to Court for a Place.

If the gentle Reader should have a Desire to repeat this Story let him not make the same Blunder that a certain English-Irish foolish Lord did, who made the Lady ask Jack to sit down by her, telling him there was room.

160. A certain Lady of Quality sending her Irish Footman to fetch Home a Pair of new Stays, strictly charged him to take a Coach if it rained for fear of wetting them: But a great Shower of Rain falling, the Fellow returned with the Stays dropping wet, and being severely reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had obey'd his Orders; how then, answered the Lady, could the Stays be wet, if you took them into the Coach with you? No, replyed honest Teague, I knew my Place better, I did not go into the Coach, but rode behind as I always used to do.

161. Tom Warner, the late Publisher of News Papers and Pamphlets, being very near his End, a Gentlewoman in the Neighbourhood sending her Maid to enquire how he did, he had the girl tell her Mistress, that he hoped he was going to the New-Jerusalem; Ah, dear Sir, said she, I dare say the Air of Islington would do you more good.

162. A Person said the Scotch were certainly the best trained up for Soldiers of any People in the World, for they began to handle their Arms almost as soon as they were born.

163. A Woman once prosecuted a Gentleman for a Rape: Upon the trial, the Judge asked if she made any Resistance, I cry'd out, an please you my Lord, said she: Ay, said one of the Witnesses, but that was Nine Months after.

164. A young Lady who had been married but a short Time, seeing her Husband going to rise pretty early in the Morning, said, What, my Dear, are you getting up already? Pray, lie a little longer and rest yourself. No, my Dear, reply'd the Husband, I'll get up and rest myself.

165. The Deputies of Rochel, attending to speak with Henry the Fourth of France, met with a Physician who had renounced the Protestant Religion, and embrac'd the Popish Communion, whom they began to revile most grievously. The King hearing of it, told the Deputies, he advis'd them to change their Religion, for it is a dangerous Symptom, says he, that your religion is not long-liv'd, when a Physician has given it over.

166. Two Oxford Scholars meeting on the Road with a Yorkshire Ostler, they fell to bantering the Fellow, and told him, they could prove him a Horse, an Ass, and I know not what; and I, said the Ostler, can prove your Saddle to be me a Mule: A Mule! cried one of them, how can that be? because, said the Ostler, it is something between a Horse and an Ass.

167. A Frenchman travelling between Dover and London, came into an Inn to lodge, where the Host perceiving him a close-fisted Cur, having called for nothing but a Pint of Beer and a Pennyworth of Bread to eat with a Sallad he had gathered by the Way, resolved to fit him for it, therefore seemingly paid him an extraordinary Respect, laid him a clean Cloth for Supper, and complimented him with the best Bed in the House. In the Morning he set a good Sallad before him, with Cold Meat, Butter, &c., which provok'd the Monsieur to the Generosity of calling for half a Pint of Wine; then coming to pay, the Host gave him a Bill, which, for the best Bed, Wine, Sallad, and other Appurtenances, he had enhanc'd to the Value of twenty Shillings. Jernie, says the Frenchman, Twenty Shillings! Vat you mean? But all his sputtering was in vain; for the Host with a great deal of Tavern-Elocution, made him sensible that nothing could be 'bated. The Monsieur therefore seeing no Remedy but Patience, seem'd to pay it chearfully. After which he told the Host, that his House being extremely troubled with Rats, he could give him a Receipt to drive 'em away, so as they should never return again. The Host being very desirous to be rid of those troublesome Guests, who were every Day doing him one Mischief or other, at length concluded to give Monsieur twenty Shillings for a Receipt; which done, Beggar, says the Monsieur, you make a de Rat one such Bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your House again, me will be hang.

168. A young Gentleman playing at Questions and Commands with some very pretty young Ladies, was commanded to take off a Garter from one of them; but she, as soon as he had laid hold of her Petticoats, ran away into the next Room, where was a Bed, now, Madam, said he, I bar squeaking, Bar the Door, you Fool, cry'd she.

169. A Westminster Justice taking Coach in the City, and being set down at Young Man's Coffee-house, Charing-Cross, the Driver demanded Eighteen-Pence as his Fare; the Justice asked him, if he would swear that the Ground came to the Money; the Man said, he would take his Oath on't. The Justice replyed, Friend, I am a Magistrate, and pulling a Book out of his Pocket, administer'd the Oath, and then gave the Fellow Six-pence, saying he must reserve the Shilling to himself for the Affidavit.

170. A Countryman passing along the Strand saw a Coach overturn'd, and asking what the Matter was? He was told, that three or four Members of Parliament were overturned in that Coach: Oh, says he, there let them lie, my Father always advis'd me not to meddle with State Affairs.

171. One saying that Mr. Dennis was an excellent Critick, was answered, that indeed his Writings were much to be valued; for that by his Criticism he taught Men how to write well, and by his Poetry, shew'd 'em what it was to write ill; so that the World was sure to edify by him.

172. One going to see a Friend who had lain a considerable Time in the Marshalsea Prison, in a Starving Condition, was persuading him, rather than lie there in that miserable Case, to go to Sea; which not agreeing with his high Spirit, I thank you for your Advice, replies the Prisoner, but if I go to Sea, I'm resolv'd it shall be upon good Ground.

173. A Drunken Fellow carrying his Wife's Bible to pawn for a Quartern of Gin, to an Alehouse, the Man of the House refused to take it. What a Pox, said the Fellow, will neither my Word, nor the Word of G—d pass?

174. A certain Justice of Peace, not far from Clerkenwell, in the first Year of King George I. when his Clerk was reading a Mittimus to him, coming to Anno Domini 1714, cry'd out, with some warmth, and why not Georgeo Domini, sure, Sir, you forget yourself strangely.

175. A certain Noblem—, a Cour—r, in the Beginning of the late Reign, coming out of the H—se of L—ds, accosts the Duke of B—ham, with, How does your Pot boil, my Lord, these troublesome Times? To which his Grace replied, I never go into my Kitchen, but I dare say the Scum is uppermost.

176. A little dastardly half-witted 'Squire, being once surpriz'd by his Rival in his Mistress's Chamber, of whom he was terribly afraid, desir'd for God's Sake to be conceal'd; but there being no Closet or Bed in the Room, nor indeed any Place proper to hold him, but an India Chest the Lady put her Cloathes in, they lock'd him in there. His Man being in the same Danger with himself, said, rather than fail, he cou'd creep under the Maid's Petticoats: Oh, you silly Dog, says his Master, that's the commonest Place in the House.

177. The Lord N——th and G——y, being once at an Assembly at the Theatre-Royal in the Hay-Market, was pleas'd to tell Mr. H—d—gg—r, he wou'd make him a Present of 100l. if he could produce an uglier Face in the whole Kingdom than his, the said H—d—gg—r's, within a Year and a Day: Mr. H—d—gg—r went instantly and fetch'd a Looking-Glass, and presented it to his Lordship, saying, He did not doubt but his Lordship had Honour enough to keep his Promise.

178. A young Fellow praising his Mistress before a very amorous Acqaintance of his, after having run thro' most of her Charms, he came at Length to her Majestick Gate, fine Air, and delicate slender Waist: Hold, says his Friend, go no lower, if you love me; but by your Leave, says the other, I hope to go lower if she loves me.

179. A Person who had an unmeasurable Stomach, coming to a Cook's Shop to dine, said, it was not his Way to have his Meat cut, but to pay 8d. for his Ordinary; which the Cook seem'd to think reasonable enough, and so set a Shoulder of Mutton before him, of half a Crown Price, to cut where he pleas'd; with which he so play'd the Cormorant, that he devour'd all but the Bones, paid his Ordinary, and troop'd off. The next Time he came, the Cook casting a Sheep's Eye at him, desired him to agree for his Victuals, for he'd have no more Ordinaries. Why, a Pox on you, says he, I'm sure I paid you an Ordinary Price.

180. The extravagant Duke of Buckingham [Villars] once said in a melancholy Humour, he was afraid he should die a Beggar, which was the most terrible Thing in the World; upon which a Friend of his Grace's replyed, No, my Lord, there is a more terrible Thing than that, and which you have Reason to fear, and that is, that you'll live a Beggar.

181. The same Duke another Time was making his Complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich Miser, of the Disorder of his Affairs, and asked him, what he should do to prevent the Ruin of his Estate? Live as I do, my Lord, said Sir John: That I can do, answered the Duke, when I am ruined.

182. At another Time, a Person who had long been a Dependant on his Grace, begged his Interest for him at Court, and to press the Thing more home upon the Duke, said, He had no Body to depend on but God and his Grace; then, says the Duke, you are in a miserable Way, for you could not have pitch'd upon any two Persons who have less Interest at Court.

183. The old Lord Strangford taking a Bottle with the Parson of the Parish, was commending his own Wine: Here, Doctor, says he, I can send a couple of Ho—Ho—Ho—Hounds to France (for his Lordship had an Impediment in his Speech) and have a Ho—Ho—Ho—Hogshead of this Wi—Wi—Wi—Wine for 'em; What do you say to that, Doctor? Why, I say, your Lordship has your Wine-Dog-cheap.

184. The famous Jack Ogle of facetious Memory, having borrow'd on Note five Pounds and failing the Payment, the Gentleman who had lent it, indiscreetly took Occasion to talk of it in the Publick Coffee-house which oblig'd Jack to take Notice of it, so that it came to a Challenge. Being got into the Field, the Gentleman a little tender in Point of Courage, offer'd him the Note to make the Matter up; to which our Hero consented readily, and had the Note delivered: But now, said the Gentleman, If we should return without fighting, our Companions will laugh at us; therefore let's give one another a slight Scar, and say we wounded one another; with all my Heart, says Jack; Come, I'll wound you first; so