The Experiment by Cassidy Shay (i can read with my eyes shut .txt) 📖

worth it.
But first, there’s one thing that I need to do. I lay my head back against the pillow and close my eyes. Before I can raise my child, there’s one thing I need to do, one weight that I need to have lifted from my small, fragile shoulders.
“Collin. You know that I love you. You know that I always will. I have part of you with me, this baby that belongs to you. No matter what happens, we’ll always be bonded together through our daughter.” I take a deep breath before I continue. “But I can’t keep holding on to something that can never be. I can’t keep gripping something that’s no longer mine, that’s already slipped through my fingers and landed in someone else’s hands. I need to let you go.” I open my eyes, and I feel relaxed. I feel lighter, not weighed down by invisible forces trying to suppress me. I feel like, after all these months, I’m finally strong enough to go on without him.
Chapter 8

The first night, I get no sleep. The first day, she sleeps, waking up only to be fed and changed. The second night is another sleepless one. She’s fussing all night, needing to be changed or fed or even just held.
The second day, Julie visits me. She has her son, Aron. He’s just as beautiful as Belle. We switch children, and I hold him as she coos over Belle. “She’s so perfect,” she says, “She’s going to be gorgeous when she gets older.” She whispers nonsense to the baby while I study Aron’s face.
His eyes match his mom’s, two deep pools of blue that sparkle in the light. His think, dark curls spill into his eyes, even though he’s only a little over a week old. His long, delicate fingers wrap around mine as I look into his eyes. His ears are small and nearly disappear under the black fluff on his head. I trace the birthmark under his eye, the “A” labeling him as an Azuli. It’s light and hardly noticeable, but I know that it will darken as he gets older.
Belle starts to cry, and I remember that it’s been a while since she was fed. I flash an apologizing smile to Julie as we switch children again. As I feed Belle, Julie and I talk about the upcoming months and what they will bring. “The main thing I’m scared of is not being able to take care of him the way that he needs to be taken care of,” she tells me. I nod, because I feel the same way. I know that if I can’t take care of my baby, I will have failed both her and Collin.
Thinking about Collin brings in the old memories, and I push them aside. It’s time to move on now, and start a new life. You have a husband who loves you and a beautiful baby.

When I think about who the baby’s father is, though, I can’t keep the sad, hurt feeling from showing in my face. Julie is busy changing a diaper, so she doesn’t notice.
After a few minutes, Sarah comes in. “Let me hold that baby,” she commands as she slams the door open. She’s only held Belle a couple times, but I can already tell that she’s great with kids. I finish feeding Belle, hand her over, and then cram myself back into my jumpsuit.
The past few months, my chest has just about doubled in size. That, paired with the swelling in my belly, caused me to need a bigger jumpsuit. Now that my stomach isn’t extended, I’ve gone back to wearing the smaller jumpsuits so I don’t have to roll the sleeves and legs up anymore.
My chest, however, is still the same size. Zipping the front of my jumpsuit has turned into something that requires a lot of effort. And since I have to have it unzipped while I feed Belle, I haven’t been zipping it up all the way unless I am leaving the room. I zip It up part way when I’m in the room, but a good amount of cleavage still shows.
Sarah joins the conversation, good-heartedly reminding us of all the things we’ll have to do now that we have other human beings relying one hundred percent on us. “If either of you need help, or just want a rest, let me know. I can work something out with my work schedule so that I can help out.” She smiles. “I figured that if you guys are too tired, you won’t be able to do the job right anyway. And it would be a shame to let these two grow up without the proper care just because their mom’s were too exhausted and no one wanted to help out.”
The conversation is brought to an end when Belle throws up all over Sarah. “Oh my gosh!” I jump up and go over to her, burp rag in hand. Julie steps up to take Belle while I help clean off the puke from Sarah’s jumpsuit and neck.
After she’s clean, I strip Belle’s soiled clothes and search for new ones. Her pants are clean, but she needs a shirt that doesn’t smell like regurgitated milk.
I’m slipping the clean clothes over Bell’s head when Sarah heaves a sigh too dramatic to be accidental. Julie and I don’t react, so she does it again. “Alright, what is it?” I ask her, feigning annoyance.
“Well…” she says, dragging out the single syllable. “There’s this guy…” Again, she drags out the last word, acting like she’s too embarrassed to talk about it. Julie and I exchange looks, both of us wondering what it would have been like to have this kind of girl talk with someone.
“Just spit it out,” Julie tells her. Although she sounds irritated, a huge smile splits her face in two. Sarah dives into a story about how she met this boy, what he’s like, what they talk about.
When she’s done, she sits on the bed and stares off into space, thinking about her new boyfriend. “Just be careful,” I warn her. “You don’t want to have a broken heart. Take it from us. That’s the last thing anyone needs. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
That night as I’m feeding Belle, I’m thinking about the boy that Sarah was talking about. Mathew notices my silence, and comes to rub my shoulders. “You’re pretty quiet tonight,” he says. I just nod, proving his point further. What’s on your mind?”
“I’m just worried about Sarah. She’s got a crush on some guy that she works with. I don’t want her to get hurt.” I pause for a moment and tilt my head to the side, thinking. “Do you think we should have her invite him over for dinner sometime?”
Behind me, Mathew chuckles. “You really are quite the motherly figure, aren’t you?” It’s quiet for a minute. “I know that you care about Sarah just as much as I do. But Meagan, you have to let her grow up. She needs the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. And you have to remember that she’s not much younger than you are.”
I nod. “I know that she needs her freedom. But I just don’t want her to end up heartbroken, raising a child, and trying to decide who she’s supposed to love. I’m barely sixteen, Mathew. It’s hard to sort everything out. I don’t want her to have to go through all of this.”
I can tell by his silence that he’s stuck on something that I said. I’m not positive, but I can guess that it’s the part about who I’m supposed to love. “Even if you don’t know who to love,” he says, “just remember that I love you, and I’ll always be here for you, no matter what that requires of me.”
I nod slowly. “And I love you too, Mathew.” Once I say it, I want to say it again. “I love you.” It feels good on my tongue, it sounds great in my ears. “You’re just… a wonderful person, and I can’t thank you enough for all that you’ve done for me.” Belle is asleep now, so I put her into her crib and fix myself up top so that nothing’s hanging out. Then, I turn to face Mathew.
“Meagan, I know that you aren’t ready to love me yet. I know that you still need some time.” He looks at the ground, unsure of what to say next.
“Penny, I know you love him,” says Collin, appearing for the first time since Belle’s birth. “Take this chance, or you’ll lose him. You’re hurting him every day that you hold back. You’re breaking his heart.”
I shake my head and close my eyes, but Collin continues to tell me the truth that I want to deny. “He needs you to love him, just as you need to be loved. You both have broken hearts. Use each other to heal. Love him,” he pauses, looks up, and looks into my eyes, takes a deep breath, “and allow him to love you.” He slowly fades, and I look back to Mathew.
“What can I do to make you love me?” he asks. I shake my head and take a step toward him. I can see in his eyes that Collin was right. I don’t know if it was me or someone else, but his heart has been shattered.
“I already do.” I close the distance between his body and mine, but our faces are still about an inch apart. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”
The space between our mouths disappears, and I know that I’ll never feel like this again. After months of waiting for the moment, the need and desire is stronger than anything I’ve ever felt. The kiss makes everything disappear, forces all thoughts and feelings to melt away. It all fades, and I know nothing but Mathew.
I know his hand on the back of my neck, his thumb behind my ear. I know his other arm around my waist, holding me as close to him as possible. I know the smell of his skin, the bittersweet mix of his natural scent and the stench of his sweat. I know the deep blue ocean in his eyes and I know the taste of him. I know the sound of his heart racing mine.
I don’t know how long the kiss it, but I know that I want more. He places his hands on my shoulders and pushes me back. He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. I give him another light kiss on the lips and then rest my head on his chest. “It’s been a long day,” I say. “Why don’t we go to bed?”