Lauren Takes Leave Gerstenblatt, Julie (classic literature list txt) 📖

guy and shakes her head indisgust. “No, you may not.”

About ten feet away from where we are standing, tuckedinside a sunshade cabana, sits the offending individual. He’s wearing fadedshorts and a ripped T-shirt, a Kangol summer-style fedora, and mirroredaviators. From his chin hangs the scraggliest looking beard I’ve ever seen.It’s long and unkempt and kind of grayish blond, like an old man’s pubes.

An overstuffed army-style duffle bag rests at his side,probably containing all his worldly possessions. He looks like Nick Nolte’scharacter from Down and Out in Beverly Hills.

“What is he, homeless?” Kat whispers to us.

“Don’t get too close. Ignore him,” Jodi instructs. “AndI’m not talking to you, Lauren.”

“One, I’m sorry. I should not have lashed out at you likethat. You want to get famous, go for it. Two, I thought we were on the goodpart of the beach,” I say.

“I thought so, too, until you yappers showed up, ruinedyoga over there, and made me all tense in my private beach cabana,” the mansays. Then, pointing at Jodi, “I agree with her. You guys are giving me someserious agita.”

“I don’t need your agreement!” Jodi calls back.

“I thought you said we were supposed to ignore him!” Katsays.

“I’m merely telling him that we are ignoring him!”she explains.

“What if he wants to eat our small intestines with aspoon?” Kat asks.

“Then we’ll give him Lauren.”

“Ha,” I say.

“I’m a practicing vegetarian, ladies…no worries aboutcannibalism from me. And yes, I heard all about your little drama, since youwere whisper-screaming it to the whole of South Beach.”

Jodi’s shaking her head in wonder. “He’s got, like,Spiderman’s hearing.”

“Batman’s,” I correct. “You know, like bats?”

“Maybe spiders have great hearing, too, for all you know.”She cannot be wrong.

“Are you two really going to fight about something thisstupid?” Kat demands.

“Yup,” the man calls. “I think they are.”

“Listen here, you motherfucking Fu Manchu—”

The man interrupts what is sure to be one of Kat’s mostcolorful diatribes on record. “All I’m saying is, Mercury is in retrograde,and…”

Kat stops. She turns her head to the side just the tiniestbit, to see if she heard him correctly. “All right. You’ve got ten seconds.”

He scratches his beard, like he’s seriously thinking aboutwhat advice to dish out.

Then he looks up and begins pointing. “To you, theblack-haired girl, I say: stay away from trouble. As my great-granny used totell me back in Missouri, you don’t shit where you eat.”

“See?” I say, nodding along with the random man’s words ofwisdom and hitting Kat on the arm. Hard.

“I’m Kat, by the way,” she calls back.

“Nice to meet you, Kat. Please keep your dick in yourpants.”

“Fuck you,” she retorts, one corner of her mouth turned upin a devilish smile.

“Lovely,” Jodi says. I’m not sure if she’s referring tothe beach bum or Kat. It kind of doesn’t matter.

“And you,” he says, pointing at me.

“Moi?” I look over my shoulder to see if he’s mistaken mefor anyone else on the beach.

“Yes, blondie. You’re not so unique, you know. Everyonefeels the way you do. Wanting to cut school, call in sick, take a break.”

“I’m not ill; I’m on jury duty,” I clarify. “You onlyeavesdropped on part of the story.”

“Well, I caught the part about those little texts. Thatare not from your husband, I’m guessing.”

“I might not be married, you know,” I call back. Then Iwhisper to Jodi and Kat, “I’m really not liking this guy.”

“I can see that pretty diamond sparkling in the fadingsunlight, my friend,” he replies.

“Shit, he’s going to rob us,” Jodi says.

“I’m not gonna rob y’all!” he says, sounding very muchlike a character from a movie who is, indeed, just about to rob us. “I’ve gotkids, too,” he adds, motioning to Jodi. “Lots of ’em. And I’ve got paparazzi.Lots of ’em.”

“Go slip into something more comfortable—like a coma,”Jodi says. Like a coma? I think. She gets up and faces him. It’s likeshe’s practicing for a scene for which she’d win Best Actress in a StringBikini in a Dramatic Role. “You’ve been spying on us and now you knowall this shit about us and you’re slimy and you’re freaking meout!”

“That’s it. Time’s up. I’m calling the cops,” Kat says,grabbing her BlackBerry from her beach bag.

His face—what little of it is visible—registers alarmmingled with something else. Is he laughing at us? He gets up and saunterstoward us, palms in surrender mode, his voice taking on a stage whisper. “No,no! Don’t call the cops! It’s cool. Really! I’m sorry for upsetting you. I’llexplain!” He smiles and pulls his sunglasses down to his nose, flashing somegorgeous baby-blue eyes at us, dimples creasing his cheeks. “Will you let meexplain? Sans police?”

Kat drops her phone. My mouth hangs open. Jodi takes astep forward.

The beard and the Kangol and the sunglasses and thedimples. The baby-blue eyes, and all those kids. All that paparazzi.

“Hey,” he says, sticking out his right hand toward Jodi.“I’m Tim.”

Chapter 17

It’s truly amazing how quickly Jodi’s repulsion and fearcan be replaced with full-on lust.

“Hi-yyy,” Jodi coos, straightening her shoulders andtossing her auburn waves theatrically. “I’m Jodi.”

Then she shakes hands with world-famous actor, two-timeAcademy Award–winner, and legendary hottie Tim Cubix like it’s the most naturalthing in the world, like she’s just been waiting since seventh grade for him toshow up and fight with her on the beach. “And this is Lauren,” Jodi adds,motioning in my general direction without letting go of his hand or shiftingher gaze from his. “I believe you’ve already met Kat.”

How can Jodi form words at a time like this? Kat and I arehaving a much harder time keeping our shit together in the face of thisastonishing bit of news. We manage to be calm for about a half a millisecondbefore gathering together in a hug and shrieking. Then we jump around in acircle of elation and share the discovery with each other.

“Ohmigod!” I scream.

“I think I just called Tim Cubix a motherfucker!” Katcries excitedly.

“Shh!” Tim Cubix smiles, motioning us to come sit underthe cabana. “Be subtle, could you, maybe?”

“I can’t! I just can’t!” I gasp. “You’re too real forwords!” I’m having the weirdest sensation standing next to the physical beingof such