Lauren Takes Leave Gerstenblatt, Julie (classic literature list txt) 📖

Intellectually, I know Tim Cubix is just a guy. Butmy reaction is visceral. I might break down at any moment. Like he’s the MonaLisa and the painting is hanging in my house. It’s both utterly fabulous and,at the same time, it’s unsettling to look it in the eye.

As we enter the hotel room, a call comes up from thelobby. “Hello?” I answer in a British accent.

“Oh, sorry, wrong room,” Jodi says.

“No! It’s me, Jo, with a disguised voice!”

“Freak. Tell Lex that housekeeping hasn’t gotten to hisroom yet. They didn’t believe he was Tom Cruise, who, apparently, always staysat the W when he’s in town. They say the room won’t be ready for a while, buttell him not to worry. I have my ways and I’m gonna use ’em.” She disconnectswithout saying good-bye.

I tell Tim the news of what happens when you are not afamous person and you check into a hotel pretending to be Tom Cruise. Howsometimes you have to wait.

“Mind if I just freshen up in here?”

“Yeeea—uhhhhh…!” a stunned Kat and I reply in unison, ourfour eyeballs watching his every move.

So now Tim is “freshening up” in our bathroom. Kat and Iare unpacking our things and watching E! on television, the volume turned up sowe can hear it over the rush of water.

“Hey, Kat.” I smile. “Tim. Cubix. Is. On. TV. And. In.Our. Bathroom!”

“Taking a shower!” she adds.

“He’s probably naked!” I scream, on the verge of tearsagain.

“Shh…I sure as hell hope so. Otherwise, that’s weird,right? Why would he shower with his clothes on?”

“Because we are sitting here fantasizing about him righton the other side of the door! Duh!”

“It’s locked.”

“People know how to pick locks.”

“Well, unfortunately for us, we don’t.”

A knock comes as we are debating whether or not we could—andthen should—try to open the bathroom door with our credit card–like room keys.

“Coming, Jodi,” I say, opening the door.

Only it’s not Jodi.

Standing before me is Lenny Katzenberg. All six feet, twoinches of him, with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen. His hazel eyes hold aflicker of devilish charm and his hair is noticeably more salt-and-pepperedthan it looks in his videos. He’s wearing worn Levi’s and a rock concert T-shirt,just like he does on camera.

He looks better than great.

“Lauren!” he announces, pulling me close to him in a bearhug. “What a surprise! What are you doing here in Miami?”

He smells like cinnamon and oranges and pine trees.

“What am I—?” I begin, as he releases me.

“Kidding. I got your e-mail this morning and knew: thiswas it. It was like you were telling me without telling me.”

My heart starts to beat wildly, not out of lust, butrather in a full-on panic attack. “And…what, exactly, was I not tellingyou?”

“That you wanted me to come to Miami!”

“Because…?”

“Because.” He nods his head solemnly and takes both of myhands in his, looking in my eyes. “Exactly.”

Holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit.

The bathroom door opens, and a towel-clad Tim emerges. Hishairless torso is rock solid and dripping wet. It takes all the strength I canmuster not to reach out and lick him.

I am a sick woman, surrounded on all sides by temptation.

“Hey,” Tim says, noticing the open door to the hallway andspeaking to Lenny. “Could you decide in or out, and close that behind you?Thanks.” He picks up his duffle bag from one of the beds and takes it back intothe bathroom with him.

“By the way, you look familiar,” Tim Cubix says to LennyKatzenberg, before shutting the bathroom door once again.

Lenny cocks his head to the side, evaluating what justhappened. “Was that…?”

“Tim Cubix, yeah, yeah, yeah, big effing deal,” Kat says,coming over to us. “Get over it. I mean, you came down here to get laid, right?Not to stargaze.”

“Kat!” I say, shocked more by the idea of Lenny gettinglaid than by Kat’s complete rudeness. Am I to be the lay-er?

“I’m Kat, if you haven’t figured that out by now,” shesays, putting her hand out to shake Lenny’s. “Lauren’s best bud.”

Lenny releases my hand to shake Kat’s, then looks aroundthe room, waiting for me to say something.

“Lenny! Wow, I mean, this is really…” I trail off, notsure what it is or how to feel about it.

Kat fills the awkward silence.

“Oh, you’re probably looking to see who else we’re hidingin here. Bono was hanging out, but he had to go. Some forest he had to savesomewhere, big tree emergency. And Ashton Kutcher took a Snickers from theminibar and owes me four bucks! Famous people, I’m telling you.” Kat soundsconfident but starts pulling nervously at her curls.

Getagripgetagripgetagripgetagrip.

“Hi-yyy!” Jodi sings, the front door slamming behind her.“I got you an adjoining room. Only now you are known as Mr. Moncrieff of room1215.” She stops talking and takes in the scene of me standing awkwardlybetween Lenny and Kat, Tim nowhere in sight. “Well, isn’t this interesting.”One of Jodi’s perfectly arched eyebrows is perfectly arched in surprise.

We all stand around silently. Lenny adjusts his duffle bagon his shoulder and coughs.

“I got it!” Tim hollers, stepping out of the bathroomfully dressed. He towels off his hair and points at Lenny. “I know where I knowyou from! You’re that YouTube rapper! Love your stuff, man!”

Everyone relaxes. A hearty guy handshake follows and it isagreed that Tim and Lenny will bunk together next door.

“Well, that was bizarre,” I sigh, sitting down on one ofthe beds.

Jodi makes sure that the door between our room and theirsis locked. Then she comes and sits down next to me.

“Which part, specifically?”

“The Lenny coming to see me in Miami part!” I say. “Imean, not that the me-being-in-Miami part isn’t bizarre, or theus-being-here-with-a-gorgeous-movie-start part isn’t even more bizarre,” I add.“I think I’m getting sick. I think I need to lie down.”

“Lauren, the Lenny-coming-to-see-you part is probably theleast bizarre of them all,” Jodi says.

Kat nods, coming to sit. “You’re beautiful. And you’refunny. Putting aside the fact that Lenny’s pulled a dick move as an accessoryto potential adultery, he’s not wrong about you.”

“I don’t believe you.” I put my head on a pillow and pullthe blanket up to my shoulders.

“Believe us. We wouldn’t hang out with