Kerplunk - It's Over!! by A.W., H.R. and Our Girlfriends (i can read with my eyes shut txt) 📖

comes. Just get through it. Be strong sister and know that you will never have to live through this ordeal again. Every child is different and will react differently to the news but TELL them it is okay to be sad, to be upset, to be mad, and above all the ask questions about this new lifestyle you are forcing upon them. Our girlfriends highly suggest finding additional support from family, friends or professionals to help the kids talk through their feelings on the divorce.

6. Minimize change so their life remains as “normal” as possible.
Divorce means a lot of change for both of you and for your children. They didn’t want the divorce. If possible, try to keep them in the same school and home and continue their same afternoon and evening activities. Consistency is the key.

“I sat down with our son (age 7) and told him that Daddy was moving out – that some people (like him and me) like being part of a team, and some people just have to fly solo. I told him that his Daddy loved him very much but that he was one of those solo people. I explained that he would see and talk to his Daddy all the time/any time but that he was going to stay with me in our same house, and that our lives would pretty much be the same except for Daddy not being around in our house. For the first few minutes, predictably awful! But tellingly, after that, seemed to kind of shake it off and roll with it. He only seemed a little anxious the day or so after Ex actually moved out. He needed to go see Daddy’s new apartment and get Daddy’s new phone number. I think he just needed to know where his Daddy was and how to get in touch with him. Once that got nailed down, we really didn’t have any more emotional incidents until a few months later when he wanted to see his Daddy on a Saturday morning and didn’t want to have to put on his clothes/leave the house to do it. I had to have a heart to heart with him that this was just our life now, whether we liked it or not, and we could chose to either make this situation a defining moment where everything before the move was great and everything afterwards was awful, or we could chose to move forward and make our lives good notwithstanding that our situation was not something that we wanted or would have chosen if we could have avoided it. Even though he was so young, he actually seemed to “get” it, and has never really seemed to dwell on the “victim” idea again.

Now, 8 years later: “Our son is 15 and seems to be very happy. He’s always been a very happy-go-lucky child with a very playful disposition. He talks to his dad regularly, although doesn’t see very much of him, but that seems to work for both of them. He is a very funny child, and honestly very fun to be with. We have definitely had our moments as he has moved into the teenage years, but overall I think we’re doing great.” – Crystal, 46

7. Be yourself and be consistent.
Divorce is painful for children because their relationship with each parent is constantly being tested and redefined. As parents we are unsure of our new roles as divorcées. You might seek to reinvent yourself, to change old patterns and adopt new hobbies and interests; but you are still your child’s parent. First and foremost they need you to be who you have always been to them and to be consistent. Help them maintain relationships with grandparents, friends, and other family. This isn’t easy for either of you and they need you to simply be the mom they love.

“Divorce brings so much change. It awakened a desire within me to be someone I was never allowed to be before. I wanted new friends. New experiences. New interests. I'm not suggesting that I suddenly wanted to get tattoos, body piercings and to jet off to Ibiza. Nothing as wild as all that! I wanted to live out loud! However, first and foremost, I am a mother. As much as I want to be selfish and to experience life without being told no, I know that it is MY main responsibility to love, protect, and nurture my kids…and to simply be the same mom they have always loved. So I chose to slowly incorporate new experiences and new people into my life, but to not shove it in my kids’ faces. I wanted them to see the positive changes in my life…just gradually.” – Tammy, 38

“Consider your kids in every decision you make. They are watching you. Your kids are learning from your actions. They are listening to your comments. Sometimes it is easy to make a split decision that takes you quickly out of your Ex’s line of fire, or gives you a much need release from stress and responsibility, but think about how those choices effect your children long term. They didn’t choose this. They don’t want this change. Lead by example and let them know you will love them always and are doing what you consider to be the best for them.” – Wren, 41


Reflections of a divorced mom: Through the eyes of her grown daughter
One of our girlfriend’s (who is not divorced) shares her story about her parent’s divorce when she was a preteen. “My mom always appeared calm and made us feel as if everything was okay. She never spoke negatively about my dad and made us feel comfortable through the divorce. I never realized how much stress she went through during the divorce. She held it all together for us. Looking back it was her attitude made it so easy for us to transition too.
The cat's out of the bag, what next?

Raaarrrrr! You did it. You let the cat out of the bag. You told the kids you two are divorcing, now what? Talking to kids about divorce is not a one-time word vomit session. It may feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders, but kids will need to talk about the divorce again…and often. This should be an on-going conversation. Kids will need to talk about, and even debate different aspects of the divorce from time to time, as their perspective and needs change and as they get older.
It is very important to listen to your kids’ feeling and concerns about how the divorce affects them. Talk about living arrangements. Assure them that they will be able to spend time with and communicate with the absent parent. Keep lines of communication and visitation open for the kids and their extended family. Yes, especially your judgmental Ex In-Laws and that snitty sister-in-law! We know you had rather eat glass than have those haters in your life but this act of graciousness will reap you barrels full of good karma!

“My daughter had a difficult time verbally expressing her feelings about the divorce with me. I gave her a journal and told her that if she had questions for me, but she didn’t want to voice them aloud, she could write them in the journal and I would respond, also in the journal. This means of private, written communication really worked well for us. Years later, she told me that, at the time, she just couldn’t bring herself to talk to me face to face because she was anxious, angry, sad, etc., but that the journal made her feel comfortable discussing the hard topics of divorce.” – Abby, 37

Everyone – both adults and kids – react differently to divorce, but some reactions are quiet common. When are in the middle of a divorce you are often not Ho-Jo the Happy Clown. You will be stressed, distracted, tired, listless, and most days left with about as much energy as a dustpan. You think your kids are going to pick up on this? You betcha! Kids are empathic little souls. If you are mentally fried and anxious, odds are they will be too. During the days and weeks (even months) following your big announcement, you can expect your kids to be exceptionally stressed, even though they may try to hide it. (Hmm? Whom do you think they learned that from?). Boys often exhibit stress by acting up and acting out. They get into trouble. They seem unable to control their bodies and their sassy mouths! Girls tend to manifest their stress by having stomachaches and headaches. They might become whiney (and sassy too) and have trouble sleeping. Both boys and girls have a tendency to react to the divorce by becoming withdrawn and reclusive.
This period of change is the pits for everyone. We know your fuse is very short now, but please do everything in your power to keep your emotions in check. If you can keep your composure and seem as normal as you used to be in the kids’ eyes, it will help them get through this with a bit less heartache. Research shows that it typically takes 3-5 years for a family to complete the cycle of divorce completely. Try to understand that the kids are going to have mood swings too, that may or may not be in conjunction with yours. Time takes time and you all have to learn how to settle into this new lifestyle you have chosen.
Save the Drama, Momma! 7 Don’ts for Divorcing Parents

1. Don’t talk smack about your Ex.
We know you want to. We know when the kids come in singing the Hymns of Super Daddy that your teeth will clench and your hands will involuntarily cramp into fists, you’ll cock your little head and say “Oh, yeah? Huh! Let me tell you a thing or two about your Daddy!” but STOP! When you take your anger out on your Ex by trash talking or putting him down to your child, your child is the one who is damaged. Your sweet little baby loves you both…and is attached to you both. Our kids want to be just like us…the good parts of us. By slamming his dad you will erode your child’s self esteem. So just zip your lips. Don't vent to the kids and don't let them over hear you talking to others about their father. NOT EVER. Children are skilled eavesdroppers. Make sure your conversations with other adults are completely confidential.


Don’t mutter about your Ex under your breath. “You lost your backpack? You are just like your father! He was so forgetful! He could never keep up with anything.”
Put a muzzle on it, sister!

“Actions speak louder than words. It is a hard lesson to learn but boy, is it true. My parents were divorced when I was in preschool. All my life I recall my mother bad-mouthing my father. ‘He left us. He didn’t love us. We would have money if your Dad hadn’t been so selfish.’ My father was a good man who provided for and loved me above all else, but he didn’t love being married to my mother. I cannot recall my Dad ever saying a negative word about my mother. Ever. When I began going through my divorce, my Dad said, “Actions speak louder than words. Sometimes you just have to bite