Kerplunk - It's Over!! by A.W., H.R. and Our Girlfriends (i can read with my eyes shut txt) 📖

with the divorce I needed, I had to emotionally work through coping with a joint custody arrangement. It was so hard at first. I felt like I was not being the mother I was supposed to be. I ached for my children. Finally, I came to terms with the fact that they needed their father as much as they need me. And that while I wanted to be away from him, they needed to be allowed to love and be loved by him in equal time.” – Lindsay, 34
“We found a shared custody plan that would work for the interim. Sunday through Tuesday nights with me. Wednesday and Thursday with him and we rotated weekends. It really sucked at first. I missed the kids. They missed us both when they were away from the other parent. It was too much shuffling around for everyone. After a year or so, we eased into a week-to-week plan. Friday to Friday with visitation during the week after school. While the time apart is long and odd, this was easier on everyone.” – Charlotte, 45
You need to decide which parent will have physical and legal custody. Physical custody is where the child actually is, and legal custody is the decision-making authority of each parent. You should discuss in mediation the types of decisions that will require both parents to agree from the decisions that either parent may make on their own. Some examples of consensual decisions you will need to make about your kids might include:
• Holidays: Family and family traditions are important to children
• Birthdays (parties? The child’s and the parents’)
• Health Care decisions and costs: “Do we need to go into braces now or later?”
• Religious training: “Catholic or Methodist?” “Baha’i or Jewish?”
• Private or public school
• Will the kids go to this summer camp or that one?
• Which college to attend?
• Extracurricular activities
• Driving and Car Ownership (teens)
• Vacations: it is important that children have fun, relaxed time apart with each parent
• School (teacher conferences, school expenses)

When the time comes to legally outline your child custody agreement (parenting agreement), try to be as open minded as possible. Be willing to listen to your Ex and consider his needs and wishes too. If both of you are willing to compromise, you'll have a better go at brainstorming solutions to the custody issues that will work for everyone involved. Always remember that there's not a one-size-fits-all custody plan that will work for all families. Carefully and honestly examine your family situation and the needs of the child. Talk to an attorney before you begin child custody negotiations to get a firm understanding of your legal rights and options.

Girlfriends talk about their custody arrangements:
“Our child is supposed to stay with his father every other weekend. My Ex has given me all rights in regard to decision making for our child. At the moment, our child is not staying with him on a regular basis because our son sees that his dad has made some bad decisions and doesn't trust him.” –Marie, 41

“I told my Ex from day one that I would NOT negotiate our son – he was simply not on the table. Whatever Ex wanted monetarily/asset-wise we could discuss but we each needed to continue to be, respectively, our son’s 100% father and 100% mother. I asked for our son to live with me for his sense of security and well being, since I had been the caretaker parent his whole life to that point. I offered Ex absolute open access to our son in exchange, with no strings attached (monetary or otherwise) which was his top priority. Ex is an absolute spendthrift and no matter how much money I ever made, he still was desperate for more. No child support and no regular parental responsibilities were without question the two most enticing things I could offer and he couldn’t take me up on them fast enough. That is still our arrangement 9 years later and for the most part, has worked well for all of us.” – Anita, 40

"Men used to get a raw deal in regards to custody. In the 1960s, 1970s, 1980s, the courts generally awarded mothers primary custody and the fathers were relegated to limited visitation: Wednesdays and every other weekend, shared holidays and a couple of full weeks in the summer. Times have changed and fathers are no longer accepting this as a rule. Both parents deserve equal time with the kids. Now we are seeing more 50/50 or 60/40 shared custody plans." – Elisa, 34

“I didn’t get exactly what I wanted which was full custody and their father would have visitation on alternating weekends. We now have shared custody.”– Nina, 31

“We did ultimately agree that I would have custody and he would have generous visitation. After all the crap that he put me through, he never paid me a dime for child support and had no relationship with his son.” – Nancy, 62

“I’m the primary custodian. That’s what I wanted and that’s what I got. I had a great attorney taking care of me.” – Leah, 32

“During our separation and divorce I wanted primary custody and the ability to relocate out of state with my son. I got everything I asked for.” – Sandra, 42

5 Key Elements to Consider When Forming Your Custody Plan
Each family is different, but there are several standard factors to consider when you are developing a co-parenting plan:

1) Your child’s age
Infants: (0-18 months): Visits should be frequent and short. It is better for infants to have several short visits (a few hours) every week than a long visit on weekend or every other week. Keeping their schedule is most important.

Toddlers: (18 mos – 3 years): Shorter visits throughout the week are often best as toddlers are changing and learning. Frequent contact helps to maintain a relationship with the non-custodial parent.

Pre-school (3-6 years): Pre-schoolers don’t fully understand time frames. Use a calendar to help kids anticipate visits. Kids at this age are growing and developing so rapidly. Each week is a new adventure. Shorter visits allow each parent to enjoy their growing child.
Young school age: These kids want lots of parental contact. Both parents need to be involved as possible. When your child is away visiting your Ex it is important to call and email them often. Make certain your custody arrangement doesn’t deprive him/her of special events (school trips, sports events, etc).

Older school age kids: Kids at this age become more involved with their friends and parents need to be more flexible about visitation. They still need to know they are important and loved by both parents.

Teenagers: Whether dealing with a divorced family or not, teens typically prefer to spend time with their friends. Their relationship with their parents is still important. Include teenagers in planning visitation times and be flexible. Non-custodial parents, like all parents have to push to stay informed about their children. Both parents have to remain calm in dealing with the teenager’s love/hate relationship with parents. Also keep in mind, teens know how to work the system. Don’t put it past them to play both ends against the middle to try to get exactly what they want from separated/divorced parents!

2) Geographic distance between parents’ homes.
Kids need to be able to travel easily from one parent’s home to the other.

“After leaving my husband all I wanted was to get as far away from him as possible; however, the kids needs outweighed my desires for total disconnect from Ex. We both agreed to live within 10 miles of each other so that the kids could remain at their same schools, with their friends, and could have some feeling of being “just down the road” from each of us.” – Dee, 39

3) Your child’s attachment to you.
It’s easy to become so bitter and embroiled in conflict with your Ex that you forget your child has the right and the need to spend time with both of his/her non-custodial parent.

4) Your child’s physical and emotional needs and how best to provide for these.
Children need to feel at home, comfortable, and wanted in each house. They need a space in the home that is theirs.

5) Lifestyle consistency. Consider the ability of each parent to maintain contact with previously positive people and things in a child’s life (grandparents, other family, school, church, sports).

Don’t get Angry: POSITIVE Co-Parenting Tips
We’re not the Cosbys, but it works!
Agree on the Rules and Regs.
We’ll say it once again, kids need consistency. It may be difficult, but try to establish the same rules and regulations (and punishments) at both houses. Try to agree with each other about bedtimes, activities, what movies or TV shows are permitted, Internet usage, and discipline methods. It is a wonderful thing if the King and Queen and still present a united front!

“My parents were divorced when I was 5 years old. As far as I could tell, they got along fine during my childhood. Almost too well actually! I lived with my Mom and visited my Dad on Wednesdays and every other weekend. Once, when I was 16, I got into an argument with my mother and she grounded me and took away my car. I was enraged and told her she could NOT prevent me from going to see my Dad! She gave me back my car keys and said, “Fine, you can go to his house.” Victory! I thought I had escaped punishment! To my surprise, when I arrived at my Dad’s house, he met me in the driveway, held out his hand and asked for the car keys. He said “You are welcome to ride out your punishment here, but you are still grounded and have lost the car for a week. You need to learn to not disrespect your mother.” Of course, I despised it at the time, but as an adult and a divorced mother of two, I appreciate and am in awe of their strict unified discipline tactics.” – Erika, 35

Therapy – Not just for grownups anymore!
Don’t take it personally if your child shuts you out or acts out towards you. They are trying to cope. It is very important to help them find a way to express their feelings and concerns and to let them know that you care that they are struggling. Kids going through divorce often don't know how to deal with their feelings. They may "act out” or misbehave. They may become introverted and depressed. The school counselor, church counselor or professional therapist may be helpful in showing them constructive ways of expressing their feelings. Local domestic violence groups may have individual and group therapy sessions available to kids and parents for free.

“No matter how dysfunctional a child's life is, it only takes one person, one steady, stable adult in their life to make them feel valued and loved. This person may not be a parent or a grandparent. It may be a therapist, a neighbor, and a teacher. Just one person that they can trust and who is unwavering in their life is all they really need to know they are loved, that they matter and to remain emotionally okay.” – Maggie, 43

“My parents took us to a family counseling session after