Kerplunk - It's Over!! by A.W., H.R. and Our Girlfriends (i can read with my eyes shut txt) 📖

your tongue but just bite it…and do not slander your Ex. It’s not easy, but one day, your kids will see clearly which parent had their best interests at heart, just as you see now.” – Camille, 37

“Do not talk about it with your children; remain positive about the other person, even if they are not. Take the high road. It’s a difficult path but the view is really nice from up there!” – Barbara, 43

2. Don’t be the Disneyland Parent.
Often a parent will overcompensate for the limited time spent with their child by lavishing the kids with gifts or trips in attempt to win the child’s love or favor. Divorcing parents often make unrealistic promises out of guilt. This is really playing dirty! Being Daddy (or Mommy) Warbucks usually only lasts for a little while ... while one parent is trying his/her hardest to screw over the other. When the Disneyland days cease, your child will have grown accustomed to the sweet life of getting everything they want. You will have set them up with false expectations of a lifestyle that you can no longer support. If you have repeatedly made grandiose plans and promises to them, your kids will learn that they can’t trust you to make good on your promises.

3. Don’t make your child the messenger.
Kids resent being made the messenger in parental communications and it stresses them out. (For example: "Tell your father he's late with the child support payment.") Communicate with your Ex directly (even by email if you can’t do it personally) but don’t make your child the go-between.

4. Don’t make your child a spy.
We know it is so tempting to try to collect top-secret intelligence from your toddler or teen. "So, does Daddy's girlfriend sleep over? She does? On the couch or in his bed?" Some children are generally magpies and will spill their guts to you about situations at your Ex's place that make them uncomfortable. You are welcome to glean this information and put it in your quiver of arrows; but it is not cool to pump your child for information. When they are little, it is easy. They just blab. As they get older, they will (mark our words WILL) resent you for interrogating them. When they begin to resent it, they will develop a defense mechanism and either lie to you or shut you out altogether. Usually one parent is guilty of continuing to attempt to control the Ex spouse and will resort to prying the children open every time they get them back. If your Ex is the guilty party, then take the high road and do not follow suit. If they don't volunteer any information, don’t pry. An easy comment is "I have missed you! Did you have a good time? I’m glad."

5. Don’t fight in front of the kids.
You are going to fight. If you didn’t fight, you might not be getting divorced, right? But it is bad juju to all involved when you fight in front of your kids. There are going to be times when you will be literally biting through your lip to stifle the cloud of cuss words that wants to spew forth from your mouth, but just zip it! This includes not screaming at your Ex on the phone from behind your closet door.
“Learn the incredible power of the word “OK” for as many things as you possibly can, just say, “OK” to all your Ex’s demands and threats. (For example: “If you don’t do “X,” then I’m going to do “Y” or “I want the kids for dinner every Wednesday night instead of every Thursday night” or “I want the kids the first Christmas and we can alternate after that”) It DOES NOT make you a doormat – it means you figured out what’s worth fighting about and what’s not. It also pretty much takes all the thunder out of the threats that are honestly just a continuation of the emotional abuse you’ve likely already been putting up with for years. It’s not much fun for him to keep swatting at someone he can’t get a responsive rise out of!”– Penny, 52

6. Don’t pretend everything is “just fine, Honey”.
Everything is NOT just fine. You are getting a divorce. Presenting the divorce as “everything is just fine and dandy” with no conflicts, no ill emotions, no problems can screw up your child royally! Your child will develop an altered perception of reality. They will question your honesty and perhaps lose trust in both you and your Ex. “If everything is just fine, why did this happen?” Consider also how this might affect their relationships in the future.

7. Don’t make your child your best friend.
Your child is your child. He or she is still a child, a minor. It is not your child’s responsibility to be your best friend, your support, or your therapist. They are NOT emotionally equipped to deal with your drama! You are the grown-up. Do not burden them with your grown-up problems. Period. Shame on you if you do. Listen to what some grown-ups say about living through divorce with childish parents:

“My parents were divorced when I was six. My mother was bitter towards my Dad. She didn’t manage her finances very well. She was always stressed about money and was constantly late paying her bills. Often we would have to drive to the night-drop at the phone company, the utility company, and the bank to make a payment just before they cut our service. She always complained to me that we didn’t have any money and that she was afraid ‘that we weren’t going to make it this month.’ It frightened me to see my mom so sad and stressed…and to be small and unable to help. Sometimes I was afraid to ask for things I needed, like new underwear or lunch money. I thought that if I had managed my things/money better I would not have to ask for extra. Now I understand how very unfair and detrimental it was of my mother to treat me as a girlfriend, not as her child, and to burden me with her financial problems.” – Cindy, 35

“Sometimes I felt like the grown up. My Mom and Dad acted like kids. My Dad was out dating and traveling and my Mom was always trying to be my best friend and even borrow my clothes when I got to high school. My Mom dressed sort of young for her age and kept getting tattoos when she broke up with a boyfriend. I was usually pretty embarrassed and didn’t want my friends to meet my parents. I’m in therapy now and the therapist said that I never really had time to act like a kid and play.” – Jamie, 43

8. Don't make your children choose sides.
Children naturally want to please both parents. It is completely unfair and detrimental to your relationship with the child to try and make them choose between you and your Ex in a dispute. Children need quality time with both parents. It is unfair to restrict their access to one parent, no matter how willing the children may seem at the time.

“My parents divorced when I was in seventh grade. They did not put any restrictions on when I could see either parent. They allowed me the option of choosing when I would see them. I still lived with my Mom, but given the freedom to see my Dad on the weekends took away pressures and extra stresses.” – Brooke, 27


Monday through Wednesday and every other weekend?
Before you tell your husband you want a divorce, before you tell the kids, you must rationally consider the custody arrangement you will want. You’re the mom! You want your kids 24-7. Maybe the Ex will consent to fatherhood Wednesdays and every other weekend? Don’t count on it. That arrangement was en vogue in the 1970s, but it’s not what’s trendy in current custody plans. Many Dads today simply don’t tolerate limited access to their kids…and that is a good thing! (Nod in agreement, and repeat, “That is a good thing.”) Although it makes life a little more challenging for you, we applaud men who don’t shirk their parental responsibilities and who continue to be active in their kids’ lives. Yay, Dads! (That being said, we certainly realize that there are some Dads that are not good role models. Your choice of a custody arrangement must focus on what is the best for your kids and that might mean limited access to their Dad. We’re sorry!)
“I was so mired down in figuring out how to tell my husband I wanted a divorce, how to tell the kids, how to get through the initial blast that I didn’t think forward about how to set up a custody arrangement. I figured I would get the kids, all the time. I’m the mom after all! So when my husband wanted joint custody, a 50/50 split, I was really thrown for a loop.” – Brianna, 43
“I did not understand the court system at all. I had been bullied and emotionally manipulated for years. When I left he told me that he would sue me for full custody. He was a very persuasive and dynamic person, who usually could talk his way into getting anything he wanted. I was so afraid I would lose my kids. I was a good mother and had no reason to believe this except HIS continued insistence that he would win in court. I wanted full custody with visitation for him – for a more stable environment for the kids – but he would not consent. I was so afraid of losing them. I had to be assured over and over and over again that the courts would not take my kids away because I left the marriage. I was afraid that moving out would be considered abandonment. He drilled into my head that it would be viewed as abandonment.” – Terry, 49
You need to decide what type of custody agreement you want. Joint custody means that both parents have joint legal and joint physical custody of a child. Sole custody means that one parent has the sole legal and sole physical custody of a child. (See the glossary of custody terms in this chapter.) Aside from the legal custody arrangement there is the visitation/parenting agreement. When will you have the kids? When will he? Spend some time investigating the different arrangements. Choose one that is best for you, then have 2 back up plans that you are willing to consent to. Like the Rolling Stones sing "You can't always get what you want" (Love that song!) so before you lay out your ideal plan, have a backup plan that you can try to live with for a little while. Your Ex may not agree to the plan you want. Be prepared for debate and compromise. Keep in mind that later on, you can revisit the custody arrangement/visitation schedule and change it if it is not working for you and the kids. Initially, you need to find a plan that works for you, for the kids and for your Ex while focusing on your main goal – stability for the kids.
“I am a full time mom and was determined I would not settle for less than having my kids full time. I could not imagine not waking up to their little faces every day. But in order to go through