Kerplunk - It's Over!! by A.W., H.R. and Our Girlfriends (i can read with my eyes shut txt) 📖

start over, but the next time it was worse; and the time after that was even worse. It is a definite pattern and when you are in it, it is so difficult to see. Our girlfriends' tolerance to the abuse got higher and higher. Again, you can’t see it when you are in the middle of it. They say you can't see the forest for the trees. When you are inside an abusive relationship, especially an emotionally abusive one, you begin to believe that this dance you do is normal. And once you are out, once you are standing in a sunny clearing and can clearly see each tree in the forest line, only then can you begin to heal yourself from the hell that you pretended was an acceptable existence.

"As I was crying and crouched on the floor after he hit me, he said, "And next time, you’ll really be sorry." – Ava, 42

"He has never physically abused my daughter but he does talk down to her. He has tried to fight my oldest son but I got between them which ended up with him choking me…it was a mess. And he has mentally abused both my boys constantly putting them down and telling them what a piece of crap they are. He would beat the crap out of his kids with a belt up to the age of 15. I would have to leave because if I said anything he would come after me. He is a military guy who thinks he can order you around and if you don’t listen you should be disciplined. It is his way or no way…just like the lifestyle he wanted…if I didn’t give in and do it he say he could never be happy…what an ass! And of course it was my fault that he would hit or choke me because of whatever I had done to piss him off…I was not supposed to piss him off…again what a good man!"

"After he hit me, I started crying not so much because the hitting hurt but because I was so shocked he did it. It felt like my heart was crying. Then what he said next was worse. He said, "next time I'll really give you something to cry about". – Kimberly, 28


“My ex-husband has scar on his chest that is an outline of his father’s shoe. It was so difficult to imagine a father hurting his own son. I thought I could help my ex-husband and fix him. History repeated itself.” – Tricia, 41

Our girlfriends found the strength to leave their abusive relationships. Thank Goodness! Months of abuse (sometimes years) and being controlled left our girlfriends drained, exhausted emotional wrecks. It was hard for them to work. Quite a few lost their jobs. Some found it impossible to manage day-to-day tasks like going to the grocery store, picking up the kids at school, remembering clothes for the soccer game, or making dinner. They would question their own judgment regarding almost everything. Our abused girlfriends describe the feeling as if they were walking on egg shells wearing golf shoes. They were completely afraid to move. They said the smallest sound; a knock on a door, someone tapping them on the shoulder or calling their name from across the parking lot would make them jump out of their skin.

"Looking back, now it seems like I was living someone else's life. I remember running from my house at 10:00 pm, into the pitch black snowy February night to a police officers house and standing there next to his car, heart pounding. Frozen with fear; I couldn't make myself walk up to his front door and ask him to shelter me from the beatings. I couldn't go back home. I was embarrassed, afraid, confused, shivering; and I finally went home. Four months later, that same police officer responded to my 911 call." – Leslie, 25

The Domestic Violence Crisis Center reports that abused women have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Living through domestic violence can have a gigantic impact on our life. Most of our girlfriends still look over their shoulder all the time. They check their rear view mirrors as they drive, pull their cars into the garage and shut the garage door before they get out of their car. They triple check locks on their doors, even in the daytime. They carry pepper spray and have several cans strategically placed through their homes. They carry their car keys with them so that they can hit the “panic” button to set off the alarm if they need to. They have a baseball bat or golf club by the front door.

Most police officers will not arrest an abuser unless they witness violence or witness
the threats. – Chief John Guard, IV, Chief of Community Operations,
Pitt County, NC Sheriff’s Office


"I once called the police, but after they arrived I backed down and lied to them. I said he had not hit me yet but that I was afraid of him. They just talked to us and left. Also during our marriage counseling he admitted to choking me and the counselor turned him in to the military police. They made him go to the anger management counseling. I was terrified. For a year he kept throwing that up at me, threatening, but he was much better about being violent because he was afraid for his career." – Geranna, 34

There’s no emotion more powerful than love. But when love turns to fear, threats and isolation, it is time to get help. No matter how you define love, the definition does not include the word fear.

Does someone you love:
• Call you names, put you down?
• Grab, slap, kick you or pull your hair?
• Threaten to hurt you or your children?
• Force you to have sex against your will?

In case of emergency or if you need to leave in a hurry, keep the following items in a safe and accessible place:
• Money and checkbook
• Extra set of keys
• Personal identification
• Marriage license
• Birth certificates, social security cards and citizenship documentation for you and
your children

Stress – finding it hard to cope during the day and sleep at night?
Abuse creates more stress than you may realize and it is rampant in the United States. Aside from turning our home life into a game of pick-up-sticks, costing a fortune, taking time and nights of much needed sleep ...yep...emotional stress takes a drastic toll on our bodies!
The stress response creates a set of changes in our body that occur whenever we are faced with a threatening situation. Confronted by a threat – physical or emotional, real or imagined – the brain causes the nervous system to release hormones into the body. The following happens as we begin to experience stress in our bodies:
• Metabolism goes up
• Heart rate goes up
• Blood pressure goes up
• Breathing rate goes up
• Muscle tension goes up

As we begin to live with this stress over days, weeks, and months it may begin to manifest in our bodies as the following:
• headaches
• stomach and digestion problems
• sweaty or cold hands
• sleep problems
• muscle pain and aches
• teeth grinding
• over eating and under eating
• crying
• anxiety
• anger
• loneliness
• confusion and inability to focus
• forgetfulness
• indecisiveness
• suicidal thoughts
• mood swings
• self-doubt
• compulsion towards drug use, excessive alcohol intake, smoking
Unless you take immediate steps to control your body's reaction to stress, the long-term effects of the stress response may lead to permanent, harmful changes in your body. So now that we know all of that and we probably already knew that – it serves as a good reminder! You know that you need to RELAX! Physically, emotionally, and mentally RELAX! A few tips our girlfriends used: Yoga (any flavor will do and some girlfriends really liked Hot Yoga), meditation (our girlfriends liked to go to group meditations at the local YMCA or churches), breathing (count, focus on s-l-o-w-l-y inhaling and s-l-o-w-l-y exhaling in your car, in the pick-up line at school, at the grocery store), prayer (let go and let God), walking, intense aerobic activity (some of our girlfriends loved kickboxing and martial arts)!
We know we are relaxed when we begin to feel: more at peace, energetic, self-accepting, happier throughout the day, less preoccupied with the past and future, free from obsessive and compulsive worrying, feeling less anxious, our concentration improves and zzzzzzz we finally begin to sleep better!
Girlfriends, we are with you. We’ve been there. If we made our way out of abuse, you can too. Our hearts are breaking for you and we want you to know that you can and you will live through this. It is abuse and it is a pattern. Come on, you can make it! Begin today to pull yourself up, make a plan, and take a stand.


Chapter 9 Checklist: Abuse – Signs, stereotypes and solutions for escaping it

___ Did you recognize your Ex in any of the descriptions of abuse? Which types of abusive behavior sounded familiar to you?
___ If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please contact your local Domestic Violence Crisis Center and take advantage of their information and materials. Most centers offer a free counseling session.
___ I have been open and honest with at least one other friend or, confidante about my abusive situation and expressed concern about being abused.
___ Check here and say, “I have chosen to stand up for MYSELF and I am no longer a victim!”
___ Check here if you have determined a safe place for you and your children to escape to any time of the day or night should your abusive situation continue or escalate.
___ Put a big fat X here if you have this number programmed into your cell phone: The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (0000)
(www.TheHotline.org)
___ Suggested Reading: The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker
The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus The Rest of Us, Martha Stout
Why Does He Do That?: Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft


CHAPTER 10
Working the System – Tips from the trenches of an assault trial
One of our main areas of focus is abusive relationships. Unfortunately 98% of our girlfriends surveyed have been abused. We find it necessary to dedicate an entire chapter to The System. By The System we mean the police, the courts, and the government funded local domestic violence groups that vow to serve and protect…us! Yes, you and me! We want you to know how to work within The System – what to anticipate when dealing with the business of the law.
Surviving The System isn’t exactly a walk in the park. It is worse than a trip to the DMV, more confusing than doing your taxes, more of a hassle than dealing with medical insurance; however, you will be better for it when it is over. Decide that you deserve to be heard. Decide that you will not be swept under the rug. Decide that you will set your goals and stick to them! Now stay with it! Stick with it! We’ll say it again. If you want justice, stick