Kerplunk - It's Over!! by A.W., H.R. and Our Girlfriends (i can read with my eyes shut txt) 📖

with it!
So we’ll skip the nasty bits (bruises, blood, broken teeth and bones, etc.) and
start with the fact that you’ve been abused and the police were called in either by you, a family member, or a neighbor who reported the incident. Did you know that national statistics report that 3 out of every 4 people know someone who has been a victim of domestic violence? Yes, our girlfriends were bruised, bloodied, strangled and had their heads cracked open on concrete floors by their intimate partners. It breaks our hearts to realize how many women have had these horrible experiences served up to them by their husbands.

Are victims safer after leaving a batterer?
Short run = more dangerous
Long run = it is less dangerous

- Chief John Guard, IV
Chief of Community Operations,
Pitt County, NC Sheriff’s Office


Living through a criminal trial is really pretty hellish. I mean, your HUSBAND freaked out and beat you up! What the...? Surreal, we know! There is going to be so much information coming at you very quickly. “HOW many more court dates do I have?" "What happens next?" and “How am I supposed to co-parent though a restraining order?” What is the difference between a Restraining Order and a Protective Order? Suddenly you will be inundated with all this random, time-sensitive legal jargon – as if you weren’t already having fun wading through a separation – and you are expected to comprehend what is happening, take action and still hold down your job, make cupcakes for the 4th grade bake sale and go to that baby shower for the woman who leads the Sunday School class!

Just another crappy day at the courthouse:
“Wait! What can I take through the metal detectors at the courthouse?
I forgot. No! Don’t take my pepper spray AGAIN!”

“I was so nervous that I was shaking but I parked the car and walked up to the courthouse, emptied my pockets, showed them the inside of my bags and because my phone takes photos, I could not bring it in. Add one more layer of stress. I had to walk back outside, back to the parking lot, run into my soon to be ex-in-laws all to put my phone in the car. I thought I was going to get sick.” – Sandra, 42

Okay, let's back up a minute. Here is how a typical domestic violence incident (*please note, this varies state to state) goes down:
First, your husband snaps and goes Ninja or maybe Psycho on you. You are stunned! You are afraid for your life. You are trying to protect yourself. You are trying to protect the kids. "Oh No! This is not happening to ME!"
A call to 911 is made; they ask for your name, address and an assessment of what is going on (try to be calm and very descriptive, but don't worry they are accustomed to the crying, stammering and the “Oh No’s!”)

The police will either show up at your home or you will go to the police station. Do it! File the damn report! Don't be too proud to get this on record. Remember that Christmas Eve 911 call with the beautiful Mrs. Charlie Sheen screaming into the receiver at the 911 Operator, "I have to file a report! I have to file a report this time!”? Don’t be proud or stupid. File the report!
You will be asked to write out an Incident Report in great detail immediately after the incident. This is crazy difficult. Your mind is a million places and you are trying to recount the play-by-play. Take your time. Replay every nano-second in your mind.

“I remember sitting at my kitchen table, trying to write the police report. I couldn’t stop shaking. I don’t know whose handwriting was coming from my pencil. The police were walking in and out of my house while I sat there in my flannel pajamas. I couldn’t think to write anymore. I was afraid to write down what really happened. I was so embarrassed. I finally got it written down and it took three pages. Then I tried to calm down and take my mind off of all of the police in my house so I started cleaning up the mess from my husband's violence, until an officer said “Ma’am. You have to stop that cleaning. You are disturbing the evidence. It was like I woke up in a TV movie” – Myra, 37

TAKE YOUR TIME and get all the specifics in. The police will wait for you. Don't rush. Use all your best adjectives. The details do matter - the more the better. Don’t worry about your grammar and punctuation! Don’t worry about writing in complete sentences. Just let the details flow and get it all down as soon after the incident as possible. The police will have a witness sign a copy of the report when you are finished. Keep a copy of this. This document is extremely important.
Ask for the name of the officer who is taking your report. Get his business card. Ask him/her what the next step is. If they are in a helpful mood, ask about the entire process and take notes if you can. One of our girlfriends stayed up until 3:30 am with a police officer because he was willing to help and explain the system. Take advantage when situations of kindness present themselves.
Our girlfriends have met with hundreds of police officers, social workers, detectives and court employees who were helpful, polite, and extremely informative; but also some who were rude and unsympathetic. Remember, you need them on your side so don't get flustered if these civil servants aren't always so nice to you. They have difficult jobs. Don’t get discouraged when you hit a dead end. Find another way around The System. Keep it up and you will find the awesome civil servants who will stick their neck out to help you. Ultimately they serve, protect, and work for us. We've met some officers and detectives who were beaten down by the system but remember it is not you! Stick with it!

* This varies state by state so please keep in mind that we are trying to provide you with a general overview.

Usually, the next business day after a domestic violence incident, the courts will call and they will let you know that you have been issued a Protective Order and there may be domestic violence services available if you need them. Again, the process is different from state to state. In some states you will be required to go to the courthouse after the incident to request Protective and Restraining Orders. Ask the police officer or call your local domestic violence protection organization. They will have all the answers for you.
“What does this protective order protect me from exactly?” The Protective Order looks like a boring legal document, but it has specific information outlined by a judge that lets your cutie-pie know that he cannot call you. He cannot visit you. He cannot drive past your house 20 times. He cannot happen to be at the grocery store the same time you are and fun things like that. Depending on the severity of his actions this order may be very, very restrictive. If you have children with that bully, be sure to ask your attorney, or who ever is advising you legally, how you will co-parent through the Protective Order. Make sure there is language in the order regarding whether or not you will allow your spouse to pick up the kids from school. How and where will they visit their dad? If it is against constraints of the Protective Order for him to call you, how will the kids be able to talk to him on the phone? You will be overwhelmed and stressed but take time to ask the right people pertinent questions about the rules and regs of this Protective Order. Going back later to fix it is not an easy option.
The police will probably call and tell you that your till’-death-do-you-part-honey will be arrested (unless he already has been). Bail will be set and then he will probably post it and get out. Ugh! Girl, we know you will be afraid. Most girlfriends advise you to be prepared because your man will probably try to come after you again (you stupid, insolent girl!) This is your cue to get a clue and extricate this jerk from your life A.S.A.P! Remember most abusive men, abuse again. It is a pattern and that is why they call it the Cycle of Abuse. (See Chapter 9 Abuse)
Next, the judge will set your court date and be prepared – all of our girlfriends had their court date “continued”. This means that it was postponed and dragged out a month or so. Aurgh! It stinks! Often it was postponed again and again, sometimes for over a year. The fun just keeps on coming, huh? We know you want it over. There are so many domestic violence cases that the courts have to deal with. Welcome to our American judicial system also known as Cirque Du Soooo Long!
Print and keep all email correspondence between you and the courts, the police, the District Attorney, and your Sugar Boy's lawyer, if he has one. (One of our girlfriends said her Ex was so arrogant and self-righteous he was determined to represent himself at his own criminal trial. Way to go hubby! The judge told him to leave and come back with a lawyer.) Information is coming at you very quickly now and you need to keep track of it!
“There was so much paperwork to manage during the court proceedings! I bought a plastic accordion file organizer and kept it in my car with me at all times. I took it to every meeting with my attorney and every time I set foot in the courthouse.” – Brenna, 41
We are amazed by how often pertinent documents and reports are misplaced by The System. This is happening to you, so YOU need to manage the entire process. Like we said before, the courts are busy and they have hundreds of people just like you to deal with so you need to be proactive.

“The police lost their copies of my protective orders and asked ME if they could make a copy of my documents!” – Anita, 40

“The District Attorney said that he had received the statements from the police and signed off on a Protective Order but that was 3 weeks ago. I was left unprotected. No one could find any of the documents. How did they all get lost? I had to hurry and make copies of everything and drive to the court house to deliver them in person.” – Jillian, 34

“I had to involve Immigration because my husband was not from this country. It added another dimension to The System for me. I had to keep giving copies of the Police and Court documents to Immigration Control and Enforcement (ICE) and vice versa.” – Sara, 41

Your assault case is not the only one on the docket. Unfortunately, the District Attorney and Assistant District Attorney have hundreds of abusive and criminal husbands to throw the book at each day. It is up to you to communicate with them clearly and often.
“I was calling the District Attorney’s office, the detective and the police officers involved in my case so often they began to recognize my voice when they heard me on the phone!” – Sally, 35
Make yourself heard. Do not get lost in the