Fantastic Fables by Ambrose Bierce (self help books to read .TXT) 📖

the untoward events of last evening. If my memory serves me the

disasters which overtook the Majority of this honourable body

always befell when it was the Minority’s deal. It is my solemn

conviction, Mr. Chairman, and to its affirmation I pledge my life,

my fortune, and my sacred honour, that that wicked and unscrupulous

Minority redistricted the cards!”

 

The Sportsman and the Squirrel

 

A SPORTSMAN who had wounded a Squirrel, which was making desperate

efforts to drag itself away, ran after it with a stick, exclaiming:

 

“Poor thing! I will put it out of its misery.”

 

At that moment the Squirrels stopped from exhaustion, and looking

up at its enemy, said:

 

“I don’t venture to doubt the sincerity of your compassion, though

it comes rather late, but you seem to lack the faculty of

observation. Do you not perceive by my actions that the dearest

wish of my heart is to continue in my misery?”

 

At this exposure of his hypocrisy, the Sportsman was so overcome

with shame and remorse that he would not strike the Squirrel, but

pointing it out to his dog, walked thoughtfully away.

 

The Fogy and the Sheik

 

A FOGY who lived in a cave near a great caravan route returned to

his home one day and saw, near by, a great concourse of men and

animals, and in their midst a tower, at the foot of which something

with wheels smoked and panted like an exhausted horse. He sought

the Sheik of the Outfit.

 

“What sin art thou committing now, O son of a Christian dog?” said

the Fogy, with a truly Oriental politeness.

 

“Boring for water, you black-and-tan galoot!” replied the Sheik of

the Outfit, with that ready repartee which distinguishes the

Unbeliever.

 

“Knowest thou not, thou whelp of darkness and father of disordered

livers,” cried the Fogy, “that water will cause grass to spring up

here, and trees, and possibly even flowers? Knowest thou not, that

thou art, in truth, producing an oasis?”

 

“And don’t you know,” said the Sheik of the Outfit, “that caravans

will then stop here for rest and refreshments, giving you a chance

to steal the camels, the horses, and the goods?”

 

“May the wild hog defile my grave, but thou speakest wisdom!” the

Fogy replied, with the dignity of his race, extending his hand.

“Sheik.”

 

They shook.

 

At Heaven’s Gate

 

HAVING arisen from the tomb, a Woman presented herself at the gate

of Heaven, and knocked with a trembling hand.

 

“Madam,” said Saint Peter, rising and approaching the wicket,

“whence do you come?”

 

“From San Francisco,” replied the Woman, with embarrassment, as

great beads of perspiration spangled her spiritual brow.

 

“Never mind, my good girl,” the Saint said, compassionately.

“Eternity is a long time; you can live that down.”

 

“But that, if you please, is not all.” The Woman was growing more

and more confused. “I poisoned my husband. I chopped up my

babies. I - “

 

“Ah,” said the Saint, with sudden austerity, “your confession

suggests a very grave possibility. Were you a member of the

Women’s Press Association?”

 

The lady drew herself up and replied with warmth:

 

“I was not.”

 

The gates of pearl and jasper swung back upon their golden hinges,

making the most ravishing music, and the Saint, stepping aside,

bowed low, saying:

 

“Enter, then, into thine eternal rest.”

 

But the Woman hesitated.

 

“The poisoning - the chopping - the - the - ” she stammered.

 

“Of no consequence, I assure you. We are not going to be hard on a

lady who did not belong to the Women’s Press Association. Take a

harp.”

 

“But I applied for membership - I was blackballed.”

 

“Take two harps.”

 

The Catted Anarchist

 

AN Anarchist Orator who had been struck in the face with a Dead Cat

by some Respector of Law to him unknown, had the Dead Cat arrested

and taken before a Magistrate.

 

“Why do you appeal to the law?” said the Magistrate - “You who go

in for the abolition of law.”

 

“That,” replied the Anarchist, who was not without a certain

hardness of head, “that is none of your business; I am not bound to

be consistent. You sit here to do justice between me and this Dead

Cat.”

 

“Very well,” said the Magistrate, putting on the black cap and a

solemn look; “as the accused makes no defence, and is undoubtedly

guilty, I sentence her to be eaten by the public executioner; and

as that position happens to be vacant, I appoint you to it, without

bonds.”

 

One of the most delighted spectators at the execution was the

anonymous Respector of Law who had flung the condemned.

 

The Honourable Member

 

A MEMBER of a Legislature, who had pledged himself to his

Constituents not to steal, brought home at the end of the session a

large part of the dome of the Capitol. Thereupon the Constituents

held an indignation meeting and passed a resolution of tar and

feathers.

 

“You are most unjust,” said the Member of the Legislature. “It is

true I promised you I would not steal; but had I ever promised you

that I would not lie?”

 

The Constituents said he was an honourable man and elected him to

the United States Congress, unpledged and unfledged.

 

The Expatriated Boss

 

A BOSS who had gone to Canada was taunted by a Citizen of Montreal

with having fled to avoid prosecution.

 

“You do me a grave injustice,” said the Boss, parting with a pair

of tears. “I came to Canada solely because of its political

attractions; its Government is the most corrupt in the world.”

 

“Pray forgive me,” said the Citizen of Montreal.

 

They fell upon each other’s neck, and at the conclusion of that

touching rite the Boss had two watches.

 

An Inadequate Fee

 

AN Ox, unable to extricate himself from the mire into which he

sank, was advised to make use of a Political Pull. When the

Political Pull had arrived, the Ox said: “My good friend, please

make fast to me, and let nature take her course.”

 

So the Political Pull made fast to the Ox’s head and nature took

her course. The Ox was drawn, first, from the mire, and, next,

from his skin. Then the Political Pull looked back upon the good

fat carcase of beef that he was dragging to his lair and said, with

a discontented spirit:

 

“That is hardly my customary fee; I’ll take home this first

instalment, then return and bring an action for salvage against the

skin.”

 

The Judge and the Plaintiff

 

A MAN of Experience in Business was awaiting the judgment of the

Court in an action for damages which he had brought against a

railway company. The door opened and the Judge of the Court

entered.

 

“Well,” said he, “I am going to decide your case to-day. If I

should decide in your favour, I wonder how you would express your

satisfaction?”

 

“Sir,” said the Man of Experience in Business, “I should risk your

anger by offering you one half the sum awarded.”

 

“Did I say I was going to decide that case?” said the Judge,

abruptly, as if awakening from a dream. “Dear me, how absent-minded I am. I mean I have already decided it, and judgment has

been entered for the full amount that you sued for.”

 

“Did I say I would give you one half?” said the Man of Experience

in Business, coldly. “Dear me, how near I came to being a rascal.

I mean, that I am greatly obliged to you.”

 

The Return of the Representative

 

HEARING that the Legislature had adjourned, the people of an

Assembly District held a mass-meeting to devise a suitable

punishment for their representative. By one speaker it was

proposed that he be disembowelled, by another that he be made to

run the gauntlet. Some favoured hanging, some thought that it

would do him good to appear in a suit of tar and feathers. An old

man, famous for his wisdom and his habit of drooling on his shirt-front, suggested that they first catch their hare. So the Chairman

appointed a committee to watch for the victim at midnight, and take

him as he should attempt to sneak into town across-lots from the

tamarack swamp. At this point in the proceedings they were

interrupted by the sound of a brass band. Their dishonoured

representative was driving up from the railway station in a coach-and-four, with music and a banner. A few moments later he entered

the hall, went upon the platform, and said it was the proudest

moment of his life. (Cheers.)

 

A Statesman

 

A STATESMAN who attended a meeting of a Chamber of Commerce rose to

speak, but was objected to on the ground that he had nothing to do

with commerce.

 

“Mr. Chairman,” said an Aged Member, rising, “I conceive that the

objection is not well taken; the gentleman’s connection with

commerce is close and intimate. He is a Commodity.”

 

Two Dogs

 

THE Dog, as created, had a rigid tail, but after some centuries of

a cheerless existence, unappreciated by Man, who made him work for

his living, he implored the Creator to endow him with a wag. This

being done he was able to dissemble his resentment with a sign of

affection, and the earth was his and the fulness thereof.

Observing this, the Politician (an animal created later) petitioned

that a wag might be given him too. As he was incaudate it was

conferred upon his chin, which he now wags with great profit and

gratification except when he is at his meals.

 

Three Recruits

 

A FARMER, an Artisan, and a Labourer went to the King of their

country and complained that they were compelled to support a large

standing army of mere consumers, who did nothing for their keep.

 

“Very well,” said the King, “my subjects’ wishes are the highest

law.”

 

So he disbanded his army and the consumers became producers also.

The sale of their products so brought down prices that farming was

ruined, and their skilled and unskilled labour drove the artisans

and labourers into the almshouses and highways. In a few years the

national distress was so great that the Farmer, the Artisan, and

the Labourer petitioned the King to reorganize the standing army.

 

“What!” said the King; “you wish to support those idle consumers

again?”

 

“No, your Majesty,” they replied - “we wish to enlist.”

 

The Mirror

 

A SILKEN-EARED Spaniel, who traced his descent from King Charles

the Second of England, chanced to look into a mirror which was

leaning against the wainscoting of a room on the ground floor of

his mistress’s house. Seeing his reflection, he supposed it to be

another dog, outside, and said:

 

“I can chew up any such milksoppy pup as that, and I will.”

 

So he ran out-of-doors and around to the side of the house where he

fancied the enemy was. It so happened that at that moment a

Bulldog sat there sunning his teeth. The Spaniel stopped short in

dire consternation, and, after regarding the Bulldog a moment from

a safe distance, said:

 

“I don’t know whether you cultivate the arts of peace or your flag

is flung to the battle and the breeze and your voice is for war.

If you are a civilian, the windows of this house flatter you worse

than a newspaper, but if you’re a soldier, they do you a grave

injustice.”

 

This speech being unintelligible to the Bulldog he only civilly

smiled, which so terrified the Spaniel that he dropped dead in his

tracks.