Fantastic Fables by Ambrose Bierce (self help books to read .TXT) 📖

>Saint and Sinner

 

“MY friend,” said a distinguished officer of the Salvation Army, to

a Most Wicked Sinner, “I was once a drunkard, a thief, an assassin.

The Divine Grace has made me what I am.”

 

The Most Wicked Sinner looked at him from head to foot.

“Henceforth,” he said, “the Divine Grace, I fancy, will let well

enough alone.”

 

An Antidote

 

A YOUNG Ostrich came to its Mother, groaning with pain and with its

wings tightly crossed upon its stomach.

 

“What have you been eating?” the Mother asked, with solicitude.

 

“Nothing but a keg of Nails,” was the reply.

 

“What!” exclaimed the Mother; “a whole keg of Nails, at your age!

Why, you will kill yourself that way. Go quickly, my child, and

swallow a claw-hammer.”

 

A Weary Echo

 

A CONVENTION of female writers, which for two days had been

stuffing Woman’s couch with goose-quills and hailing the down of a

new era, adjourned with unabated enthusiasm, shouting, “Place aux

dames!” And Echo wearily replied, “Oh, damn.”

 

The Ingenious Blackmailer

 

AN Inventor went to a King and was granted an audience, when the

following conversation ensued:

 

INVENTOR. - “May it please your Majesty, I have invented a rifle

that discharges lightning.”

 

KING. - “Ah, you wish to sell me the secret.”

 

INVENTOR. - “Yes; it will enable your army to overrun any nation

that is accessible.”

 

KING. - “In order to get any good of my outlay for your invention,

I must make a war, and do so as soon as I can arm my troops -

before your secret is discovered by foreign nations. How much do

you want?”

 

INVENTOR. - “One million dollars.”

 

KING. - “And how much will it cost to make the change of arms?”

 

INVENTOR. - “Fifty millions.”

 

KING. - “And the war will Cost - ?”

 

INVENTOR. - “But consider the glory and the spoils!”

 

KING. - “Exactly. But if I am not seeking these advantages? What

if I decline to purchase?”

 

INVENTOR. - “There is no economy in that. Though a patriot, I am

poor; if my own country will not patronise me, I must seek a market

elsewhere.”

 

KING (to Prime Minister). - “Take this blackmailer and cut off his

head.”

 

A Talisman

 

HAVING been summoned to serve as a juror, a Prominent Citizen sent

a physician’s certificate stating that he was afflicted with

softening of the brain.

 

“The gentleman is excused,” said the Judge, handing back the

certificate to the person who had brought it, “he has a brain.”

 

The Ancient Order

 

HARDLY had that ancient order, the Sultans of Exceeding Splendour,

been completely founded by the Grand Flashing Inaccessible, when a

question arose as to what should be the title of address among the

members. Some wanted it to be simply “my Lord,” others held out

for “your Dukeness,” and still others preferred “my Sovereign

Liege.” Finally the gorgeous jewel of the order, gleaming upon the

breast of every member, suggested “your Badgesty,” which was

adopted, and the order became popularly known as the Kings of

Catarrh.

 

A Fatal Disorder

 

A DYING Man who had been shot was requested by officers of the law

to make a statement, and be quick about it.

 

“You were assaulted without provocation, of course,” said the

District Attorney, preparing to set down the answer.

 

“No,” replied the Dying Man, “I was the aggressor.”

 

“Yes, I understand,” said the District Attorney; “you committed the

aggression - you were compelled to, as it were. You did it in

self-defence.”

 

“I don’t think he would have hurt me if I had let him alone,” said

the other. “No, I fancy he was a man of peace, and would not have

hurt a fly. I brought such a pressure to bear on him that he

naturally had to yield - he couldn’t hold out. If he had refused

to shoot me I don’t see how I could decently have continued his

acquaintance.”

 

“Good Heavens!” exclaimed the District Attorney, throwing down his

note-book and pencil; “this is all quite irregular. I can’t make

use of such an ante-mortem statement as that.”

 

“I never before knew a man to tell the truth,” said the Chief of

Police, “when dying of violence.”

 

“Violence nothing!” the Police Surgeon said, pulling out and

inspecting the man’s tongue - “it is the truth that is killing

him.”

 

The Massacre

 

SOME Holy Missionaries in China having been deprived of life by the

Bigoted Heathens, the Christian Press made a note of it, and was

greatly pained to point out the contrast between the Bigoted

Heathens and the law-abiding countrymen of the Holy Missionaries

who had wickedly been sent to eternal bliss.

 

“Yes,” assented a Miserable Sinner, as he finished reading the

articles, “the Heathens of Ying Shing are deceitful above all

things and desperately wicked. By the way,” he added, turning over

the paper to read the entertaining and instructive Fables, “I know

the Heathenese lingo. Ying Shing means Rock Creek; it is in the

Province of Wyo Ming.”

 

A Ship and a Man

 

SEEING a ship sailing by upon the sea of politics, an Ambitious

Person started in hot pursuit along the strand; but the people’s

eyes being fixed upon the Presidency no one observed the pursuer.

This greatly annoyed him, and recollecting that he was not aquatic,

he stopped and shouted across the waves’ tumultous roar:

 

“Take my name off the passenger list.”

 

Back to him over the waters, hollow and heartless, like laughter in

a tomb, rang the voice of the Skipper:

 

“‘T ain’t on!”

 

And there, in the focus of a million pairs of convergent eyes, the

Ambitious Person sat him down between the sun and moon and murmured

sadly to his own soul:

 

“Marooned, by thunder!”

 

Congress and the People

 

SUCCESSIVE Congresses having greatly impoverished the People, they

were discouraged and wept copiously.

 

“Why do you weep?” inquired an Angel who had perched upon a fence

near by.

 

“They have taken all we have,” replied the People - “excepting,”

they added, noting the suggestive visitant - “excepting our hope in

heaven. Thank God, they cannot deprive us of that!”

 

But at last came the Congress of 1889.

 

The Justice and His Accuser

 

AN eminent Justice of the Supreme Court of Patagascar was accused

of having obtained his appointment by fraud.

 

“You wander,” he said to the Accuser; “it is of little importance

how I obtained my power; it is only important how I have used it.”

 

“I confess,” said the Accuser, “that in comparison with the

rascally way in which you have conducted yourself on the Bench, the

rascally way in which you got there does seem rather a trifle.”

 

The Highwayman and the Traveller

 

A HIGHWAYMAN confronted a Traveller, and covering him with a

firearm, shouted: “Your money or your life!”

 

“My good friend,” said the Traveller, “according to the terms of

your demand my money will save my life, my life my money; you imply

you will take one or the other, but not both. If that is what you

mean, please be good enough to take my life.”

 

“That is not what I mean,” said the Highwayman; “you cannot save

your money by giving up your life.”

 

“Then take it, anyhow,” the Traveller said. “If it will not save

my money, it is good for nothing.”

 

The Highwayman was so pleased with the Traveller’s philosophy and

wit that he took him into partnership, and this splendid

combination of talent started a newspaper.

 

The Policeman and the Citizen

 

A POLICEMAN, finding a man that had fallen in a fit, said, “This

man is drunk,” and began beating him on the head with his club. A

passing Citizen said:

 

“Why do you murder a man that is already harmless?”

 

Thereupon the Policeman left the man in a fit and attacked the

Citizen, who, after receiving several severe contusions, ran away.

 

“Alas,” said the Policeman, “why did I not attack the sober one

before exhausting myself upon the other?”

 

Thenceforward he pursued that plan, and by zeal and diligence rose

to be Chief, and sobriety is unknown in the region subject to his

sway.

 

The Writer and the Tramps

 

AN Ambitious Writer, distinguished for the condition of his linen,

was travelling the high road to fame, when he met a Tramp.

 

“What is the matter with your shirt?” inquired the Tramp.

 

“It bears the marks of that superb unconcern which is the

characteristic of genius,” replied the Ambitious Writer,

contemptuously passing him by.

 

Resting by the wayside a little later, the Tramp carved upon the

smooth bark of a birch-tree the words, “John Gump, Champion

Genius.”

 

Two Politicians

 

Two Politicians were exchanging ideas regarding the rewards for

public service.

 

“The reward which I most desire,” said the First Politician, “is

the gratitude of my fellow-citizens.”

 

“That would be very gratifying, no doubt,” said the Second

Politician, “but, alas! in order to obtain it one has to retire

from politics.”

 

For an instant they gazed upon each other with inexpressible

tenderness; then the First Politician murmured, “God’s will be

done! Since we cannot hope for reward, let us be content with what

we have.”

 

And lifting their right hands from the public treasury they swore

to be content.

 

The Fugitive Office

 

A TRAVELLER arriving at the capitol of the nation saw a vast plain

outside the wall, filled with struggling and shouting men. While

he looked upon the alarming spectacle an Office broke away from the

Throng and took shelter in a tomb close to where he stood, the

crowd being too intent upon hammering one another to observe that

the cause of their contention had departed.

 

“Poor bruised and bleeding creature,” said the compassionate

Traveller, “what misfortune caused you to be so far away from the

source of power?”

 

“I ‘sought the man,’” said the Office.

 

The Tyrant Frog

 

A SNAKE swallowing a frog head-first was approached by a Naturalist

with a stick.

 

“Ah, my deliverer,” said the Snake as well as he could, “you have

arrived just in time; this reptile, you see, is pitching into me

without provocation.”

 

“Sir,” replied the Naturalist, “I need a snakeskin for my

collection, but if you had not explained I should not have

interrupted you, for I thought you were at dinner.”

 

The Eligible Son-in-Law

 

A TRULY Pious Person who conducted a savings bank and lent money to

his sisters and his cousins and his aunts of both sexes, was

approached by a Tatterdemalion, who applied for a loan of one

hundred thousand dollars.

 

“What security have you to offer?” asked the Truly Pious Person.

 

“The best in the world,” the applicant replied, confidentially; “I

am about to become your son-in-law.”

 

“That would indeed be gilt-edged,” said the banker, gravely; “but

what claim have you to the hand of my daughter?”

 

“One that cannot be lightly denied,” said the Tatterdemalion. “I

am about to become worth one hundred thousand dollars.”

 

Unable to detect a weak point in this scheme of mutual advantage,

the financier gave the promoter in disguise an order for the money,

and wrote a note to his wife directing her to count out the girl.

 

The Statesman and the Horse

 

A STATESMAN who had saved his country was returning from Washington

on foot, when he met a Race Horse going at full speed, and stopped

it.

 

“Turn about and travel the other way,” said the Statesman, “and I

will keep you