Love Is A Form Of Suicide by Jimm Tumbly (book club reads .TXT) 📖

you get laid, no jocks to watch your back as you beat up a freak, and no one to save you from that voice inside your head. No one to save you as the demons begin to scream and shout, begging you to make one more deep gash to bleed out and end your life. No one to save you from yourself.

Today I start high school, begin to ride that roller coaster once more. Everyone says your senior year is the best, but no one has been through what I have. I am sure everyone knows by now where I have been, and the story of how I turned crazy. Sure, there will be deformed definitions of the truth, ending with me dying. But I will set the record straight, deny my psycho status.

As I get ready I stare out my huge window. The sky is a bright blue, the clouds fluffy and white. I can only imagine what Victory is thinking, what she is seeing at this very moment. Thinking about Victory causes an ache in my chest. I can feel the blood pumping through the veins in my arm. I want desperately to grab a knife and begin to cut, allowing the crimson to flow from the confinement of blue veins.

I stop, shaking myself mentally before I do something I will regret. I sigh and slip my red t-shirt over my head and grab my back pack. I head downstairs, ready to get the show on the road.

Dad is gone for work and mom is in the kitchen, fixing a cup of coffee. “Hey honey,” She says as I enter the kitchen. “You excited for you first day back?”

Let's see, how do I answer her? My last year of high school should be a breeze, and I'm pumped to see all my friends again. But on the other hand I miss Victory terribly. I wish she were here with me, sharing the same experience.

“Yeah, I guess so.” I mumble, grabbing the keys off the counter and heading towards the door.

“Brent,” My mom calls after me. I turn around and look at her. Her expression is wise, and her eyes are serious. “Everything is going to be okay. I'm here if you need someone to talk to, you know that.”

“I know that mom.” I reply.

“Just, be careful.” I nod, knowing exactly what she means. She wants me to come home, alive. I head out to the car and embrace myself for the roller coaster I am about to ride once more.

High school for me was always a party. I was never a loner, never left out. I was invited to all the parties, had a date to every dance. I was the guy everyone wanted to be, the one every girl wanted to get their hands on. Now, I dont know what I am. The freak who tried to kill his self? The psycotic football star and basketball team captain? The guy who used to be hot, but has just become crazy? One can only hope none of those are my title.

I pull into the school parking lot and park my red mustang in my familar spot. I turn off the engine and sit there for a moment. Never in my life have I been nervous for anything. I have always went on to the court with confidence, charged the field determind to get a touch down. I will not allow myself to be nervous now. I take a deep breath, grab my bag from the passenger seat and step out onto the concrete of the parking lot.

Nobody seems to notice me as I stare at all of Mound High's student body. I sling my backpack over my shoulder, suddenly feeling confident. With my head held high I make my way towards the main entrance.

I hear whispers of people behind me, noticing me for the first time. I ignore them as I head towards the office. The secriatry, Mrs. Keith, looks up as I approach her.

"Hi, um I am returning here this year. I need my schedule." I say politly. She stares at me for a moment, boggled.

"Of-of course." She plants a fake smile on her face as she searches her computer for my schedule. I know what she is thinking. She is wondering how psychotic I have become since my depature last year. She wonders if I will try to kill her too since I so obviously faild at trying to kill myself.

I laugh quietly to myself as she stands from her chair and walks over to the printer. She grabs a piece of paper and hands it to me.

"Here is your schedule. I am sure you will have no problem finding your classes." She smiles.

"Thank you," I nod as I make my way to the door.

"Uh, Brent," She says. "Welcome back." I nod.

"Thanks," I say before heading out the door. I look down at my schedule. Trig, German III, Goverment, Study Hall, English, Pyshics II, and Gym. This year should be fun.

I sigh and head to my old locker, remembering the combination well. I grab my binder and pencil out of my bag before placing it in my locker. As I shut my door a girl walks up to me.

"People said you would be coming back. I didnt believe them." Cera Watts. Cera and I messed around junior year. She was never my girlfriend, just a booty call. Cera was pretty. She had light blonde hair and a killer body. Her boobs were huge and her waist was little, just the way I like them. She had a fine ass that looked even better without clothes. The best thing about Cera was that she was a freak in bed. I loved it.

"Cera, havent seen you in a while." I smirk.

"Did you really try to kill yourself Brent?" She cuts right to the chase. I guess this is what I expected. I shrug.

"Hasnt everybody?" I begin to walk towards Mr. Howards trig class. Cera follows close behind.

"Why'd you do it? I mean, your life is perfect, isnt it?" I choke down anger, clinching my fists.

"Not really Cera." I reply between clentched teeth. "Not really."

"Come on Brent. You were the football star, captain of the basketball team. You could have any girl you want. Hell, you banged me." I laugh, my old ways coming back as I walk these familar halls.

"You were a nice bang, Cera." I say, looking down at her ass. She smirks.

"You were amazing. Always knew how to preform."

"Yeah, I did didnt I?" My turn to smirk. She blocks my way before I head into Mr. Howards class.

"Your still pretty hot." She says, running her hand up my leg, lingering just below my most sensitive spot. "What do you say Brent, one more for old times sake?" The words escape my lips before I have time to think.

"Why not sexy? My car still has lots of leg room." She leans up and kisses my lips.

"See you at lunch." She breathes before making her way down the hall.

Victory doesnt cross my mind at all during lunch as Cera and I head to my car. Her image doesnt enter my mind as I slip Cera's pink panties off. Her voice doesnt touch my memory as I slowly slip inside, feeling better than ever. The only thing on my mind as Cera screams my name is: I am back.

Bad Boy Reputation

*Brent's Point Of View*

All of my four years of high school I have gotten the "bad boy" reputation. Not the kind of bad boy you see in movies who wears leather jackets, smokes, and doesnt give a fuck. Im the popular kind. The jerk football star, overrated basketball captain, great lay hottie. Lets face it, girls wanna fuck me, guys wanna be me. Its that simple.

I stare at Cera as she pulls her panties on, admiring her long, tan legs. She smiles and leans over to kiss me as I rest my hand on her leg.

"I had a great time." She said, reajusting her bra. "Funest lunch Ive had in a while."

I smirk. "Well I am the best." We get out of the car and her green eyes stare at mine as we walk towards the main entrance. They remind me of someone. They dont sparkle like hers, but are a darker green. They remind me of...Victory. As soon as I think her name I stop abruptly.

"what's wrong?" Cera asks.

"We...we just had sex." I reply.

"Yeah, and it was amazing." She smiles and grabs my hand. I shake her away.

"No you dont understand, I have a girlfriend."

"Come on, its not like this is the first time you have cheated on a chick. Calm down." She rolls her eyes.

"I have been dating Victory for four months." Her eyes widen.

"What? The longest you have ever dated anyone was a week." I nod.

"God, what have I done? I cant believe I let you talk me into having sex! Im such a fucking dumbass!" I shout, throwing my hands up over my head.

"Come on, you cant be that serious about her. She must be pretty good in bed for you to still be with her."

"Cera, shes having my baby. I love her." She looks at me with a shocked expression.

"Wow, thats something I didnt expect." I nod. "Well I wont tell if you dont. That way we can continue having sex." She smiles a sexy grin.

"Did you not just hear what I said? I love her! Im not going to have sex with anyone!"

"Ha sure. Brent the bad boy not have sex? Thats like asking Briteny Spears to wear underwear, not gonna happen." I clentch my fists at my side.

"Yes it will." I reply through clentched teeth.

"Whatever Brent, you screwed up. Chances are you will do it again." Her words trigger old memories.

I am five sitting at the kitchen table drawing a picture. My dad walks in the door from work and I run over to him.

"Daddy! Daddy! Look what I drew!" He takes the picture out of my hands and studies my badly drawn rocket ship. "I want to be an astronaut!" I chim.

His cold eyes find mine, and I see nothing but black. "Your too much of a screw up to be an astronaut." He replies, tearing my paper into tiny pieces.

The memory comes and goes, but the anger still lingers. I grab Cera's arm as she begins to walk away. I pull her body close to mine and whisper in her ear.

"Make one more move and your dead."

Freedom