Love Is A Form Of Suicide by Jimm Tumbly (book club reads .TXT) 📖

is Nothing Without You

*Victory's Point Of View*

Define freedom. Webster's dictionary defines freedom as "the state of being free; exemption from the power and control of another liberty." Freedom to me is being with the one you love without the chains of the world holding you back. The bars of this Psychiatric Hospital keep me chained inside myself, not allowing me to break free of the crazy that lives deep within, hiding under my flesh. I tried to escape, tried to leave behind this sick, masochistic image of a girl I thought I knew. Nothing can ever shatter this mirror image, break my mask and unveil the me everyone is so desperatly searching for. Nothing except death.

"Victory," Mrs. May says, opening my door. "It is time to see Mr. Jordan." I stand up silently, following her out the door. With a somber expression, Mrs. May and I walk down the hall to Mr. Jordan's office. The door opens with a whisper, and I enter without enthusiasum. I take my seat like always.

"Victory, nice to see you again. How have you been holding up?" Mr. Jordan asks with a huge smile on his face. I stare at him.

"Fine I guess. How would you feel if the love of your life commited suicide and you watched them die right before your eyes?" I reply coldly. He clears his throat and leans forward on his desk.

"Look, Victory, I know Brent's death has been hard on you. It has been hard on all of us. But you have got to learn to let go. You cant keep dwelling on what could of been. Dont cry because its over, smile because it happend." Classic Mr. Jordan, throwing in a Dr. Suess quote.

"Its easier said than done. Can we just get on with it?"

He leans back in his chair. "Yes, I suppose we can. Victory, tomorrow you will be released from Spring Hill. It is manditory to have a psychiatric evaluation the day prior to your leave. Now, I have a few questions for you to answer and then we will be done here. Answer them honestly please."

I nod my head, understanding every word. "First question: have you had any suicidal thoughts recently?"

Yes. "No." I reply. He writes on a piece of paper.

"Have you heard any voices in your head?"

Just the evil side of me. "None at all."

"Has Spring Hill helped you any at all with your disease?"

Ha, thats a joke. "Yes, definitely."

"Do you feel comfortable being released?"

Hell no. I am terrified. "I feel very comfortable. I think I am ready."

"Do you agree to see a therapist once a week after being released?"

No, that will only make me crazier. "Yes."

"Well Victory, thank you for answering these questions." Mr. Jordan says, shuffling through papers. "Let's see, it says here that you will be released at 10:00 am tomorrow morning. Your mother will be picking you up. are you comfortable with her escorting you home?"

No. Fuck her. "Yes, I am comfortable with my mother." I reply.

"Okay, everything seems to be in order. Do you have any final questions? This will be our last session."

Yes. How do I kill myself? "No, none at all. Thank you so much Mr. Jordan for all of your help. You have really helped me turn my life around." He smiles big and I plant a fake smile on my lips. I shake his hand and then exit the room.

Quietly, I am escorted back to my room. I lay on my bed, placing my hand over my stomach. The only thing I have left that is even close to Brent is our baby. In seven months this little baby will enter this world without a father, only a mother to care for it.

A silent tear falls from my eyes as the thought occurs to me.

Tomorrow I will be free from this place. I will be able to eat what I want, go where I want and do what I want. But freedom is nothing without Brent.

Mine Again

“Brent, you’re scaring me.” Cera complains. I chuckle, her fear causing a certain side of me to rise again.

“Don’t flatter me, Cera. Just do what I say.” I reply. I grip her arm tighter. Slowly, I bend down and whisper in her ear. “You will not tell anyone about our little adventure today, got that?” She nods her head vigorously. “Good, now head to lunch.” I let go of her arm and she walks quickly towards the school.

I laugh to myself as I keep a distance behind her, walking towards the main doors. I am back. Granted, psycho Brent is still there, waiting to be unleashed and let loose to roam the halls. But for now I keep him tucked inside, waiting to pounce.

I make my way to my locker, thinking about the day’s advents. I had just had sex with a complete whore, not once thinking about my beautiful Victory locked away with crazies and psychos, no doubt losing herself. How could I do that? I loved her, didn’t I? So why, then, did I let myself go and fuck some chick part of my old life? What was wrong with me? I know, I am suicidal, demented, and completely full of evil. I can do dangerous things when I allow that part of myself to be let loose. Only Victory can tame the beast that lies within. Where is she? How is she? What is she doing at this moment? I can only wonder.

________________________________________

“Brent!” My mom yells. I grab my pillow and place it over my face, trying to drown out the annoyance of her voice. “Brent! you are going to be late for school if you don’t get up right now!” I jolt up and look at my clock. It is 7:05. I forgot all about school, and that I had to wake up for it. Quickly, I head over to my closet and grab a pair of blue jeans and a black t-shirt. I throw on my clothes and head downstairs.

“Finally,” my dad says, sitting at the kitchen table. “I thought you were dead.” I chance a look into his eyes and see the evil in them. He really did hope I was dead.

“Brent, do you want some breakfast honey? I fixed pancakes.” My mom asks, standing by the stove.

“No thanks mom, I better get to school.” I reply, slipping on my Nike tennis shoes. “I don’t want to be late.” I throw my back pack over my shoulder, grab my keys and kiss mom on the cheek. “I love you.” Without so much as a glance in my father’s direction, I head out the door.

On my way to school, I think about Cera. I wonder if she told anybody about our “reunion” or about my excessive force. For a moment I am sorry, and then as I pull into the parking lot I see her smug face. All remorse vanishes as I turn off the engine and get out of the car.

“Hey Brent,” she calls with a fake smile. I can see fear in her eyes, so I plant a smug smile on my face.

“What’s up Cera?” I ask, heading towards her. She is standing next to Summer Banks and Brittani Frank, her best friends.

“Nothing really, I was just talking to Summer and Brittani about your baby.” Her smile turns evil. I stare at her for a moment, not quite comprehending her words.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“That girl you knocked up, Brent. Was she psycho too?” Anger boils just under my flesh. I clench my fist, using all of my strength not to deck her. Cera laughs. “Come on girls, we don’t want to be here when he blows.” They walk away laughing.

I close my eyes, imagining Victory’s beautiful face. Her green eyes sparkle and her pale pink lips mumble something like an “I love you”. “I love you too, Victory.” I mumble, opening my eyes. I take a deep breath and make my way towards the main entrance. I don’t see Cera again as I head to my locker.

Everybody around me whispers as I open my locker. Two guys pass me in the hallway talking. “Did you see that new chick? I would totally bang her.” I shake my head and grab my chemistry I book. I shut my locker, heading down the hall.

“Brent! Brent!” Someone behind me calls my name. I turn around to see Todd Hunter heading towards me. Todd and I have known each other since we were freshman, both being on the football team.

“Yo Todd, what’s up man?” I ask.

“Nothing man. Dude, have you seen that new chick? I heard she is smoking hot.” He replies.

“No man, I haven’t. But I’m sure she will fall for me as soon as I do.” I laugh, thinking about Victory once more.

“Whatever man, I am way better looking than you.” He laughs and punches me in the arm. I chuckle as we both make our way to Chemistry I. “Dude, I think that’s her.” Todd points to a slender girl with black hair. The moment I see her, she reminds me of someone. Her eye sparkle green and her lips are a pale pink. Her eyes meet mine and instantly I know who she is.

“Victory,” I whisper.

“What did you say?” Todd asks.

“Victory,” I say, louder. “Victory!” She looks at me and her mouth drops. Her eyes start to water and she shakes her head, mumbling something to herself. I run over to her. I smile ear to ear and wrap my arms around her.

“I-I’m sorry but I don’t know you.” She replies, pushing out of my grip.

“What do you mean? It’s me, Brent.” Her eyes fill with tears.

“Is this a cruel joke? Did someone put you up to this?” I stare at her, confused.

“No, no one put me up to anything. Why would you think that? Do you really not know me?”

“Brent is dead. I watched him die in my arms. How could…how could you do this to me? I don’t even know you!” She breaks down and starts crying. Everyone looks at us, but I ignore their piercing eyes. I wrap my arms around her slender body.

“Victory, I am not dead. I’m right here. Please, don’t cry.”

“No, no. I watched him die! I seen the blood! You…you can’t…“ She trails off, sobbing harder.

“The doctor saved me, Victory. He brought me back to life. I told him to tell you, to let you know I was alive.” She pulls out of my arms and looks up into my eyes.

“Then why didn’t you visit me? Why didn’t you call?”

“Nobody would let me see you; they wouldn’t let me talk to you. The doctor’s