The Self Harmed by Chalen D. (libby ebook reader .txt) 📖

ran closer to the screen, “Bam! Right in the head!” I yelled as the screen read ‘Head Shot!’

We played for an hour when Jackson called us up for dinner.

“Before we eat, I got us all something.” Jackson handed me a red sweater.

“Oh sweet.” I pulled it on.

He handed one over to Mom and then held one out to Caden, as I picked up a glass of grape juice.

“I’m not wearing that.” Caden said.

“Come on we’re going to take pictures.” Jackson shook the sweater.

“Opps.” I wiped at my boob, as everyone looked at me. “I got grape juice on my ugly sweater.”

 “Can’t you just be fun for once?” Jackson demanded.

Caden yanked the sweater from him and pulled it on.

“Thank you.” Jackson said, pulling one over his head leaving the kitchen. “We’re eating in the sun room.”

I handed a grape juice glass over to Caden.

“This is ridiculous.”

“At least you have a Dad to do stupid silly things with.” I left the kitchen.

The sunroom didn’t have any lights. Instead it was lit with White Christmas lights and candles.

“Do you like it girls?” Jackson asked. “I got off work early to do it just for you.”

“It’s beautiful.” Mom gave him a kiss.

“It really is.” I looked up.

“Why don’t you do things like this for me?” Caden asked.

“Because you never like it. You just say it’s cool.” Jackson said. “Charlie enjoys the little things. I think I spoiled you too much.”

“I’m not spoiled.” Caden muttered sitting next to Mom.

“Can I have the lights when you take them down?” I asked, as I sat next to Jackson. “I want to hang them over my bed. I’ll take some to school too.”

“They won’t let you have them, Charlie. You’re in the suicide wing, they’ll think you’ll try to hang yourself like a Christmas tree.” Caden said.

“That’s true.” I sighed.

Jackson and Mom just stared at us.

“Maybe if I promise-“

“No dude. Not until you get out of the suicide wing.”

“I can do that?”

“Yeah, I asked.” Caden set his grape juice down. “I’ll go in the cutting wing when I get out.”

“I guess I would go to the eating disorder wing again.”

“So,” Jackson clapped his hands, “What’s your favorite part of Christmas?”

“I like the lights.” I sat up a little taller when Caden didn’t say anything. “And I kind of like this sweater too. I never did funny things like this with my Dad. I always did them with you.”

“You did, didn’t you?” Jackson smiled at me, “And you loved it to.”

“It was fun.” I said. “It was different. And I only got to do it once a year.”

“Did you see the lights outside?”

“Yeah, I liked that they were blue.”

“I think it added a nice charismas touch,” Mom added in. “Don’t you Caden?”

“Yeah.” He smiled at her, “Sure.”

A man came in followed by others, they each held a tray. The first man grinned and spoke in Italian.

Mom looked at Jackson.

“He said, Food’s ready, and it looks perfect.”

Mom looked surprised. Someone set a plate down and I asked if it was vegetarian just in case. After reassuring me, he moved on.

“Caden is a good teacher.” Mom touched his arm.

“Charlie learns fast.” Caden grabbed a bun.

After we had finished dinner we all gathered by the fire place to take a picture.

“I will smack you if you don’t Smile!” Maria threatened Caden.

Mom looked to me. “If he doesn’t smile she’ll smack him.”

Caden grinned, and the picture was snapped.

“Silly yes?” Maria asked.

I licked my finger and stuck it in Caden’s ear. Caden sucked in some breath and Maria took the picture. We watched a movie in the family room with a cup of Coco and then headed to bed. I stuck my presents under the tree and bumped into Caden who held rapped boxes.

~What's it like?~

“I think you get one point for presentation.” He said, bending down.

He moved the boxes around and waved me forward.

“Here’s your beefy one.”

I bent down beside him holding onto his leg. My balance was still really bad.

He looked at me, “What’s it like?”

“What?”

“To have an eating disorder.”

I sat down, and we layed back on our elbows looking at the tree.

“Well it starts off easy. You have to hate yourself. The way you look, talk, feel. Everything. From there on it just goes downhill. You get cold a lot faster, your hands get really ugly and boney, your vision starts to blur, and you get dizzy.

You’re balance sucks and your nails turn purple blue because you have a lack of nutrients. You start to crave people telling you look good because you’ve lost weight. When people start to talk about how you look, it makes you feel so small, so you want to be that small, and you just don’t stop. I’ll stop when I’m skinny, you can promise, but you never get skinny enough. When you reach your goal you start to have another one.”

“How much do you weigh?”

“One-fifteen.”

“How much did you weight?” He asked voice low.

“One-eighty.” I said just as low.

“How did it get so bad so fast?”

“I don’t know.” I looked at the star. “It takes over your whole life, and the more you lose the better. When you get dizzy it starts to be a thrill for you. You love it, you want to feel it more. You want to look like all the other girls. The ones who are super skinny, and have bones sticking out.”

“You’re bones do stick out though.”

“Not as much as I want them to Caden.”

“You still want to starve?”

“It will never go away. The thoughts will always be in the back of your mind, no matter how better you get. It takes a second to be anorexic and a life time to try to fix it.”

“Do you think it needs to be fixed?”

“It will never be fixed. I promise you that, Brother.”

“Will you be okay?”

“One can only hope.” I smiled up at the star.

“I wish I had something to tell you.” He said. “You know how it is to cut.”

“Tell me about you wanting to die.” I looked at him, but he was looking at the star. “I’ve only done it once because I was in the crazy school.”

He didn’t look at me.

“It creeps up on you. Mostly when you’re alone, but sometimes not even then. It’s like a black hole that you have to constantly fight to not get sucked into. You’re alone. No one understands that you want to die. They don’t get it. You don’t even get it. You just feel like you should be dead.”

I looked at the star.

“Does it get better?”

“One can only hope.” He smiled over at me.

“We should head to bed.” He stood up and held out his hands. “Come on.”

“Easy. I’m fragile.” I held up my hands. “I get head rushes.”

He pulled me up carefully.

“You good?”

“Yup.”

We snuck past Maria and up the stairs. We hugged on the landing and then headed to bed. I pulled on a big T-shirt, some black Pj bottoms and climbed into bed.

~Beffyiest gift of all~

“Wake up, wake up!” A pound sounded on my door.

I grinned tossed off my blankets pulled on my silk robe and yanked open my door. Caden grinned and we ran down the stairs.

“There they are.” Mom laughed as we skidded to a stop.

She pulled Caden in for a hug and a kiss.

“Hey princess.” Jackson dropped one on my head.

“Are you guys ready?” Mom sked.

We all went to the tree.

“Big ones first.” Caden set my present in front of me, and then grabbed his.

“You go first.” I nodded as Jackson started to film.

“You sure?” Caden grinned at me.

“Go.” I nodded once.

“Alright.” He blew some air out. “Please be a key board.” He ripped open the paper and punched the air, “Yes!”

He jumped up and ran to mom, for a hug. He hugged Jackson next then sat back down yanking off the paper.

“Your turn Princess.” Jackson zoomed in on me.

“I’m nervous.” I Looked at mom.

“What are you nervous for?” She laughed.

“Okay.” I blew out some air, and looked at Caden.

He nodded.

I grabbed the top of the paper and ripped straight down. 

“No way!” I grinned at the flat screen Tv. “This is so cool!”

Jackson and Mom laughed. I hugged them both and we finished off our presents.

“I’ll go first.” I said getting up and going to the tree. “I’m too excited to wait.”

I grabbed Mom’s present and handed it over. I sat at her feet and waited for her to open it. Caden crawled over as well, Jackson zooming in.

She shook the box, and smiled at me. I smiled, and nodded.

“Alright.” She picked at the tape. “Here we go.”

I watched her face as she opened it. She started laughing, and opened an arm, “Thank you sweaty.” I hugged her, and she showed Jackson. “I can only get it when I have money. It’s expensive.” She wiped a tear away.

I scooted to the tree on my knees and grabbed Caden’s box, then scooted back.

“Your turn.” I pushed it to him.

He ripped it open right away, and then stared on the tape from the box.

“No way!” He pulled out the controller and the head set, “and in blue!”

“There’s one more.” I pointed.

“There is?” Caden set the controller and head set down and dug in the box. “Are you kidding me?” He grabbed the game and held it to the camera. “Seriously?”

He dropped the game and tackled me onto the rug.

“Don’t kill your sister!” Jackson laughed, “She’s only been here for one night!”

“Thank you!” He said as he hugged me.

“Okay.”

I took the camera from Jackson and handed it over to Caden. Jackson sat down and I gave him the box. I sat down by mom’s chair.

“Zoom in.” I told Caden.

In the same fashion as his son he ripped open the paper. I bit my lip as he opened the box. His face fell, and he looked at me.

“You remembered?” His eyes got watery.

“Of course I did.” I tried to not cry.

“What is it?” Mom asked.

Jackson held up the copy of Dracula. The book he was reading when I was a little girl.

“That’s it.” Mom said, grabbing the box of tissues off the table stand.

“There’s more.” Jackson set the book aside. “Moby Dick?” He grinned, “Wuthering heights?” He pulled it out, “Pride and prejudice, The classics.” He grinned at me. “Come here.”

I got up and walked to him, he pulled me into a hug. “You’re the best daughter anyone could ask for.” He kissed my head.

“Thanks Dad.”

“Did you hear that?” He yelled at the camera. “She called me Dad!”

Caden laughed, and handed Mom the camera.

“Mine next.” He handed Jackson a box.

He