scarred by KLeena Girl (animal farm read txt) 📖

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LSD Trilogy – Part 3: scarred

by KLeenaGirl
Finished December 31st, 2009

For Bee
because her integrity is a sole enlightenment

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Serena had her eyes closed, as she felt a warm hand caressing her cheek. Her lids fluttered open and a genuine smile spread over her face. She sensed an overwhelming feeling of happiness swelling inside of her and as it began to rise higher and higher, she found herself speechless. Opening her mouth, she tried to express what she was experiencing right now, but the sensation was too strong. Instead her pink lips appreciated his long, loving kiss, which let her dive even deeper into the security of care and comfort. When they finally parted, she looked up into his beautiful, brown eyes and gathered up all the strength she could still find after that amazing kiss to say something. „I’ve missed you.”
„I know”, he breathed against her tender skin. With his index finger he brushed through her hair. „But I’m back now. I love you.” He leaned forward to give her a quick peck onto the forehead.
She giggled quietly, but once caught by his eyes again, she became very silent. Thoughtfully she cupped his face in her hand, as if she needed to feel the texture of his skin to realize this wasn’t a dream. Her delicate fingers wandered over his handsome features, while she felt vindicated of his presence. „Promise me you’ll stay.” Her voice was wispy, she didn’t want to ruin this moment of salvation. She frowned, fearing his answer.
„I love you”, he repeated and blinked back at her.
Not quite pleased by his words, she shook her head slightly. „I know. I love you, too.” Still holding his face in her hands, she pulled him closer, narrowing the space between them. „But I need you to promise me.”
His loving gaze suddenly turned sad. „I love you”, he said again. „I’m sorry, Serena.” His voice continued, as his figure began to vanish right in front of her.
„No”, the girl shouted and tried to grasp him again. Though, the surface of his skin was soon nothing else than thin air between her fingers and she closed her fist until her knuckles showed white, and her slim body started shaking like a leave in the autumn, threatening to fall from its tree.
The sound of sirens rushed through her brains, the warmth was substituted with a cold you would remember to feel on a lonely winter night.
„Lucas had an accident this evening. He’s dead.”

No more rosy skin, all pale. A dead body, a corpse.
„He isn’t going to wake up.”

But he was here, a second ago! It can’t be true.
„Serena, it was not your fault – “

But what if it was? Yes, it was. Rethinking the whole events of that particular evening, she had to realize how recklessly she had acted, how egoistic. Visions of his parents appeared in her mind. Grieving and caring parents, who had lost their son due to her. She had failed. She had truly failed them all.
The darkness around her was stretched out on everything and about to devour her wholly. She didn’t fight it. It was her sentence for failing. Serena had already resigned to it, when she jerked terrified at a hand capturing her wrist in an icy, tight grip. A flicker of light grazed across and she found herself staring into the lifeless and hollow eyes of his.
„LUCAS!” The scream cut through the night and tore her awake. Serena’s back arched forward and in one quick movement her chest was pulled up, her head falling forward, so that she was now in a sitting position. Her breasts heaved because her lungs were struggling to breathe. Eyes wide opened she could see the contours of her hands seizing the blanket’s fabric in the darkened room. The explosion of panic inside her heart wouldn’t leave, no matter how hard she tried to calm herself. „It was a nightmare”, she told herself in her mind over and over again, before starting to speak her perception out loud. „Only a nightmare, it was only a nightmare.” Her throat was sore and catchy, as if she had been screaming very loud and very long. On wobbly legs, she stood up and opened the balcony door. Frosty wind entered and brought in the smell of snow. Serena froze, her heated body quickly cooled. Leaning against the frame, she watched the sleeping city outside. Hamburg, this was the place her heart belonged to. So many memories, good and bad, were attached to this town. She had managed to regain her self-composure again, yet she was still scared about having such a nightmare. It wasn’t something completely new to her. In fact, she had had endless nights of dreaming about Lucas and his death. And there had been times, when it had been far worse than simple nightmares. She had begun to hear his voice out of nowhere and had seen him, Lucas, standing at the school yard, strolling through the park or watching her in the bus. Shaking her head, she felt stupid of herself. These occurrences had been only temporary and dispersed a few weeks after the funeral. Serena was a rational person, she didn’t believe in God, resurrection or ghosts for that matter. Sure, such dreams and coincidences had scared her, but she was over it now. At least, she had believed she had left this part of her life behind.
Why had she dreamt of him tonight? Was it because she was here, in Hamburg? Because she had been lying in his bed? Had the memories forced the nightmare upon her? His touch, his kiss, the texture of his skin – it had all felt so real and so intensive. Her fear made room for confusion. Sinking deeper into her thoughts, she gripped the heart-shaped pendant of the necklace and enfolded it. „Lucas.” The word left her lips in the way a prayer would.


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„Could you pass me the sugar?” Jenny asked and took the pink mug filled with coffee, „Serena, are you listening?”
Serena jumped. „Wh-What?” She lowered her head. „I’m sorry, what did you say?”
„The sugar”, Jenny answered, „oh, sweetheart, what’s wrong? You haven’t been yourself this morning.” Passing her the sugar, Serena replied, „I know. It’s just…I had a pretty ugly nightmare last night.” She dodged her friend’s knowing gaze to signal her I-don’t-wanna-talk-about-it attitude. Jenny noticed, but she had to ask her anyway. „About Lucas?” The quiet staring at the kitchen table was more than clear to Jenny. „I guess you don’t want to tell me about it, but maybe it could help you.” Comfortingly she put her hand on Serena’s shoulder. „I have been having a lot of dreams about him since he deceased. I’m scared each and every time, but I know that’s my subconscious trying to manage my grief.”
Serena listened up. Jenny’s way of explaining the dreams made sense. It might be really for the best to tell her. She had learned in the past that swallowing down and hiding your problems only made things worse and more confusing for everyone. Being Lucas’ sister, Jenny would understand her feelings, she always had. Serena was close to her, almost as close as she had been to Lucas himself. Still not able to raise her view, she said in a low voice, „I haven’t had such intense nightmares about him for two years.”
„Maybe it’s because of this place. And his room. I feel with you, I know how hard it is.”
Gaining a little more confidence, she continued half curiously half afraid, „Have you ever”, Serena hesitated, „it sounds crazy, I know, but have you ever seen Lucas after his death?”
„Yes.” Serena lifted her head in surprise, hearing this. „I have felt him around the first few times. And then I began to see him. Those happenings weren’t long – flickering moments. Like I was reliving a dream for a split second. He was always gone within the blink of an eye. But yes, I have seen him.”
A relieved smile displayed on Serena’s lips. „Thank goodness. I thought I’ve gone crazy then, during the time while and after the funeral.”
„You haven’t.” The girls sat in silence, unspoken understanding dwelled between them. „Just so you know”, Jenny said with caution, „I really appreciate you being here. I don’t think I could deal with this without you. Even though Lucas isn’t with us anymore, you will always be my sister.”
Serena’s heart grew soft. „Aww, Jenny, that’s so nice of you. Come here” She embraced Jenny and another nostalgic feeling arose within her. But this one didn’t make her sad. No, this one was a sign of hope.
„Alright now”, Serena said, „it’s time to go.”
„Are you sure you’re okay?” Jenny worried.
„Yes, I’ll be fine. Let’s go.”
Jenny nodded and the two sisters

left the Newmans’ house to head toward the next subway station.


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„Here we are again”, Serena said and faced the young man. David looked so much fitter now than in the time shortly after his return. His hair had grown and he obviously had gained some weight again. Still, he wasn’t back to the David she once knew. His face was marked, you could see the tiredness in his capturing eyes. If she thought about it, every one of them had changed so much since Lucas had passed away. Even though, it was yet another time to say goodbye, Serena didn’t hold any feelings of regret and utterly sadness. She was glad she had the chance to spend some days with her closest friends and to share the nice memories with them.
„Yeah, here we are”, David confirmed and found themselves in the tower hall at Hamburg Airport. „It was good to see you, both of you.” He smiled at the two girls, who returned the expression. „Thank you for the invite, Jenny.”
„I have to say thanks”, Jenny spoke softly, „It helps me so greatly to deal with my brother’s death and his obit, when you two are around.”
„Do you really have to return to England so soon?” Serena asked, „I still have a few days of holidays and I bet it would be no problem for you to stay a bit longer.”
David raised his arm and held it against his neck. Laughing, he excused himself. „I would love to. But you see, the United Kingdom needs me.”
Serena giggled and Jenny stuck out his tongue at him. „Oh, Newton, you can be so un-funny sometimes!”
After taking a breath, his voice turned serious. „I have to go now. I’ll probably come back in summer.”
„Alright”, Serena cheered, much to the young man’s surprise, „we’ll throw you a big birthday party then!”
„Okay, I’ll take you up on that, Serena. See you soon, okay?” Exchanging quick hugs, he grabbed his suitcase, ready to check in. „One more thing”, he suddenly declared, „Take good care of each other!”


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Gosh, she missed them so dearly! Life back at home had become so boring by now. David sent a lot of letters to her and bunches of e-mails and she tried to phone Jenny at least once a week. But still…it wasn’t the same anymore. And Adam hadn’t reappeared, either.
Serena sighed mentally and looked out of the window. The green trees outside rushed by and were soon replaced by grey skyscrapers and cranes. Finally

, she thought and noticed her heart beat becoming faster. The train slowed down and eventually stopped, when it arrived at the Hamburg Main Station.