The Experiment by Cassidy Shay (i can read with my eyes shut .txt) 📖

back soon, at full force. But if I give in, even that full force won’t be enough to win. To save your family would be to kill countless other people who are fighting for freedom. Your family is going to have to die so that others can live. There’s nothing I can do about it.”
He hangs his head. “I was afraid that you would say that.” He stands up. “Nothing I can do will change your mind?” I shake my head.
“I’m sorry. I really am. It’s not fair to kill innocent people because I won’t give in. and for the rest of my life, I’ll remember them, remember that I could have saved them. But if I save them, it will cause the death of so many more.”
He hangs his head and walks out the door, and I can’t help but feel sorry for him. Nothing was his fault. So why must he suffer?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next week, I’m numb. When I’m not being tortured, of course. I haven’t figured out how to block that out yet. All I can think about is that family.
At the end of the week, there is no pencil and paper on the table. There is just me and a screen. I sit down, exhausted, waiting for it to begin. What now?

I’m paralyzed, and they peel my eyes open, and I can not move my eyelids back over my eyeballs. The screen comes to life, and I see a family. I try to shut my eyes, because I know what’s going to happen. But I can’t.
For two hours, I watch as the government slowly cuts the family into pieces. The drugs that they were given keeps their hearts going. They stay awake the entire time, and their screams fill the room.
After the video is over, the screams still ring in my ears, the blood and fearful looks in their eyes are projected across my eyelids. I begin to cry. I didn’t know anything about these people, except that they were innocent. The three children, the beautiful wife, are gone.
Today, my body isn’t exhausted from the torture. Today, it is my mind that needs to regain strength before I can get up and go back to my room. When I find that strength, I walk back and grab the white board that Mathew and I used to communicate. We hardly ever use it now. I rarely have the energy to leave the room, so I’m always here when he is. I put four small tally marks on the top corner. One is for the wife, the other three are for each of the children. I shake my head slowly, because I know that, by the time this war is over, there will be many more tally marks.
Belle comes through the door to see me at the table, staring at the white board as if it will undo what happened. “Mommy? Are you alright?” She touches my arm, and I jump.
“Yeah. I’m fine. I actually feel a lot better today than I usually do. They didn’t do anything to me today. I just had to watch a video.” I turn her away from the white board.
“Did you have fun with Aron?” She nods her head, looks into my eyes. And once again, she knows that I’m not fine.
“I saw Dr. Pender in the hall. She will be here soon,” she says. “I guess she thought that that was more important than how much fun she had with Aron. She sits down in the chair next to me and grabs the white board.
“What’s this?”
“It’s nothing, honey,” I say, and take it into my room. When I get back, I see her sitting there, staring at her hands. I think about how mature she is for her age, how much she has been forced to grow up in only a few short years.
Dr. Pender comes in without knocking, and she has a folder in her hand. “Belle, will you please go into your room for a moment?” Her room really isn’t a room. It’s a heavy curtain that we hung up three days ago to separate her space, give her a little bit of privacy.
Dr. Pender sits in the chair that Belle was just in, and hands me the folder. “Before you open it and read it, let me tell you something. For two years, I’ve been fighting with my boss, When Belle was five, she was supposed to start going in to be observed, as they call it. I got it pushed back, two months at a time. But now that it’s been delayed two years, he’s determined to start.” I open the folder, and there is a single sheet of paper.

Meagan and Mathew-
Now that Belle has reached the age of seven, we have decided that it is time to begin the observations.
Eight years ago, we received permission for a long-term experiment dealing with the offspring of Azuli. We only have two children who have been the result of the first step of this experiment. These children are, as you know, Belle and Aron.
Starting tomorrow, one of you will bring Belle to Dr. Pender’s office every day at 1:30 in the afternoon. She will remain there for three hours, until 4:30.
Belle may have one day off each week, but we must be notified of this at least one day in advance.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
Sincerely,
Azuli Academy Science Team

I read the letter three times before I look up at Dr. Pender. The sadness in her eyes almost makes me look away, but then I realize that the same sadness is reflected in my own.
“I asked to be the overseer of the project, for both Aron and Belle. I promise that nothing too bad will happen to them. Before they do anything, I have to be okay with it.”
She takes a deep breath, and looks away from my eyes. “But I can’t promise that they won’t get hurt. In order to keep my place as overseer of the project, I will have to let a considerable amount of the experiments pass. If I’m blocking everything, then they will just have someone else watch over things.”
I reach out to touch her arm, to tell her that it will be okay, that I trust her to be in charge of Belle’s well-being. But she shies away from my touch.
“There are going to be days when Belle comes home in pain, when you won’t want to speak to me or ever see me again. But I promise that on those days, I will be feeling much, much worse, and that I’ll be praying for forgiveness for hurting someone so innocent and helpless.”
She lets out an apprehensive, uneasy laugh. “I don’t even know if I believe in God or not, but I’ll be praying every day, hoping that he exists.”
She gets up from her chair and leaves, doesn’t even say goodbye. When she hears the door click shut, Belle comes over to the table.
“What was she talking about?” I don’t answer her. How can I explain this to her? Instead, I pull her up onto my lap, even though she’s really too big for that. I put my head on her shoulder and cry, and cry, and cry.

Chapter 24

The next day, I wake up late. I didn’t sleep very well, because I was thinking about the family that I watched get torn to pieces.
I had nightmares about that family, and other people who suffered through the same thing. Some of my nightmares were merely Memories, things that that happened to people all over the world.
I also had nightmares of what might happen to Belle. One of the worst parts about being an Azulate is that I know that things that happened, the terrible, inhumane things that were done in secret, like Belle’s experiments will be. But because of the Memories, I can not be a naïve young girl who knows nothing of the cruelty that resides in the hearts and minds of many people. Because of the Memories, I know all the terrible things that they might try to do to my daughter.
I skip going to the DarkRoom today. I know that I will need every ounce of my strength to take Belle in to Dr. Pender’s office.
I think about the way that they worded the letter, like they’re trying to convince themselves that they’re not doing anything wrong. They know that experimenting on someone is bad, that you perform experiments on plants or inanimate objects. So they used the word observation instead, which makes it sound not as bad.
I choose not to tell Mathew about it. I know that he’ll find out eventually, but for some reason, I feel like it would be best if he doesn’t know right away. It would only make him even more mad, and right now, that would be bad.
At 1:30, I go get Belle. She is in her room, playing. As I draw back the curtain, I think about how young she was, and how much I wish I could take her place, endure this pain for her. But I know that I can’t. They know all about me, as far as science goes.
“Belle, it’s time to see Dr. Pender now.” She jumps up, but I stop her when she gets to me. “There will be other people there, too.”
“Like a party?” she asks. I just look at her, and for a minute, I think that I won’t be able to do it. She trusts me. She trusts that I won’t let her do anything where she could get hurt.

“No, not like a party. But I want you to cooperate with them, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt. If I can, I’ll stay with you. But they might not let me.” Her smile erases itself, and she looks at the ground, away from my eyes.
“Okay, Mommy.” We walk down the hall toward Dr. Pender’s office, not saying a word. Just as I suspected, I’m not allowed to stay in the room with Belle.
For the next two and a half hours, I worry. I think about what they’re doing to her, and try to find a way to stop it. Is this what Belle does every morning while I’m being tortured? Pace around the room and worry?

At about 4:20, Mathew comes in. I forgot that he usually comes home before 4:30. “Where’s Belle?” he asks.
“With Julie and Aron,” I lie. I put my head on the table.
“Okay. Well, I have some things that I need to tell you guys.” His smile extends all the way to his eyes. “I’ll go get her.”
“Alright.” When what he’s said registers, I jump up. “No!” I know that my voice was too loud and my actions were too desperate, but