Lauren Takes Leave Gerstenblatt, Julie (classic literature list txt) 📖

gonna lose ya!” Tim Cubix assures me, soundinglike a commander in a Vietnam War movie. “No girlfriend left behind!”

He scoops me up and carries me over his shoulder like awounded soldier, pausing here and there as he scans the crowd for my friends.

Instead, he finds a seat for me at the end of the bar andplops me down on the high, backless stool. Brushing some sweat from his brow,he sighs. “Too crowded. For now, you’re just going to have to settle for me.”

At first, I think he means that I should kiss him insteadof Lenny, and I want to shout, “Uncle!” I’ve had enough, I give up. And then Icome to my senses; he means he’ll stand in for Jodi and Kat. “I’m not sure Ican explain,” I say. “But, you know, thanks for playing.”

Tim smiles, a big full-on grin. “What? You think becauseI’m a guy, I can’t relate to whatever it is you’re going through right now?”

I consider this. “It’s more the movie-star factor,” I say.“You make me feel really uncomfortable. Physically. Like my insides areactually melting into a gelatinous mess.”

“Jeez.”

“I know,” I say, “It isn’t pretty. Just trying for truthhere.”

But instead of walking away from le freak that is me, TimCubix starts talking.

“My eight- and six-year-old sons, Slim and Leo, they’realways fighting these days. Wresting and getting into each other’s space. Onewill be like, ‘Dad, he’s hurting me!’ and the other will be like, ‘He startedit,’ and I’m like, Can’t you just stop touching each other for fiveminutes, people? And the big girls, Leyla and Bette, same thing…my househas, like, a thousand small forest fires everywhere. You think you have it bad,Lauren? No offense, but I’ve got six children, three times as many asyou.” His eyes are wide and he’s holding up six fingers as proof of the math,in a Nixon-like pose. It’s comical, but I try not to laugh, because I want tokeep our heated debate on track. It’s the first time I’ve felt reallycomfortable around him and I don’t want to break the spell.

“No offense, Lex Sheridan, but you’ve probably also got tentimes the staff.”

He orders us some water from the bartender. “True, but theother day Ruby caught one of our nannies using her straightening iron and wasreally grossed out. And in terms of discipline or love, no hired help is asubstitute for a mom or a dad.”

I can’t believe it. Ruby Richmond has a babysitter ashair-centric as mine!

Which means I’m totally missing the point of his tutorial.

“Ruby and I have tried everything with the kids, from starcharts to special days with just one of us, and we’ll hit on a strategy thatworks for a while, but nothing seems to work consistently. It’s like as aparent, I’m a magician, a tap dancer and a parole officer all in one.”

Got it. So the Rubix Cubes know that raising a family isexhausting and not always particularly rewarding. I open my mouth to speak, butTim just keeps on venting.

“Plus, we’re trying to toilet train the twins, now thatthey’re turning three. Bubba is all right with it. He’s an easygoing littledude. But Didi just won’t take a shit. She holds it and holds it,driving me and Ruby nuts, until we think we’ll have to take Deeds to thehospital. Then, finally, she’ll go into the bathroom and close the door behindher and strain and cry until she’s landed the biggest dump you’ve ever seenin your life. Didi actually clogs our toilets.”

I am rendered speechless.

“Not to mention, there’s all the usual stress of parentingwith the added scrutiny from the paparazzi. I might be fiercely angry with mychild, but, in public at least, I have to look like the perfect father. Leylalikes to go to the children’s shoe store for the helium balloons, you know? Andso we left the store one time and she accidentally let go of the balloon and,naturally, started to chase it. Into traffic on Wilshire! I grabbed herarm really hard and yanked her back from the curb. My heart was beating wildly,adrenaline rushing. I could hear the paparazzi calling after me, and so, in themiddle of making sure my child was unharmed, and simultaneously wanting toscream at her and smack her butt, I had to think, Remember, the cameras areflashing.”

“Is this my breakdown or yours?”

“And then, there’s always the issue of fidelity,” he says,raising his eyebrows knowingly.

“You’re quite the conversationalist.” I’m mesmerized byhis dimples and will continue to say anything to make the man smile, even justthe teensiest bit. Score.

“Every few weeks, Star magazine or People orTMZ.com runs some piece about how I was caught cheating, or how Ruby isflirting with some celebrity on the set of her new movie and I’m jealous. Theymake up quotes, attribute them to ‘someone close to the actor’ or ‘sourcessay.’ It’s all bullshit. Ruby and I aren’t married, but we have made acommitment to each other and to our children. Sexual fidelity may or may not bea part of that equation, but that’s for us to decide. So the point I want tomake to you, Lauren, is that your life is in your hands. You’re a grown-up,making mostly good decisions. Parenting sucks, fidelity sucks. Sometimes.But isn’t that real? Isn’t that messy and awful and confusing, and therefore,worth every bit of the struggle?” He says it like he’s asking himself the verysame thing, like he’s rehearsing for the biggest role of his career. We’re bothdrunk enough to have tears in our eyes. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

I blink mine away and nod my head. “I kissed Lenny.”

Tim swallows a gulp of water. “Shocker.”

“And there’s no erasing that, no Superman reversing theglobe to make time rewind, to undo the event. And now I’m scared.”

“Scared of what?” Tim Cubix, posing as Dr. Phil, asks.

“Of…well…” The music is still blasting, a typical Eminemrap, and I align my thoughts with the heavy beats of his refrain.

I’m scared of liking the kiss,

I’m scared of wanting more,

I’m scared of losing Doug,

that he won’t love me anymore…

I’m scared of so many things; those are only the ones thatrhyme. It’s all there, and Tim