Fantastic Fables by Ambrose Bierce (self help books to read .TXT) 📖

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“Good heavens!” cried the Patriot; “if I do that, I shall have

nothing to deposit with you.”

 

“I don’t see that,” the Honest Banker replied. “We are not the

whole American people.”

 

“Ah, I understand,” said the Patriot, musing. “At what sum do you

estimate this bank’s proportion of the country’s loss by me?”

 

“About a dollar,” answered the Honest Banker.

 

And with a proud consciousness of serving his country wisely and

well he charged that sum to the account.

 

The Mourning Brothers

 

OBSERVING that he was about to die, an Old Man called his two Sons

to his bedside and expounded the situation.

 

“My children,” said he, “you have not shown me many marks of

respect during my life, but you will attest your sorrow for my

death. To him who the longer wears a weed upon his hat in memory

of me shall go my entire fortune. I have made a will to that

effect.”

 

So when the Old Man was dead each of the youths put a weed upon his

hat and wore it until he was himself old, when, seeing that neither

would give in, they agreed that the younger should leave off his

weeds and the elder give him half of the estate. But when the

elder applied for the property he found that there had been an

Executor!

 

Thus were hypocrisy and obstinacy fitly punished.

 

The Disinterested Arbiter

 

TWO Dogs who had been fighting for a bone, without advantage to

either, referred their dispute to a Sheep. The Sheep patiently

heard their statements, then flung the bone into a pond.

 

“Why did you do that?” said the Dogs.

 

“Because,” replied the Sheep, “I am a vegetarian.”

 

The Thief and the Honest Man

 

A THIEF who had brought a suit against his accomplices to recover

his share of the plunder taken from an Honest Man, demanded the

Honest Man’s attendance at the trial to testify to his loss. But

the Honest Man explained that as he was merely the agent of a

company of other honest men it was none of his affair; and when the

officers came to serve him with a subpoena he hid himself behind

his back and wiled away the dragging hours of retirement and

inaction by picking his own pockets.

 

The Dutiful Son

 

A MILLIONAIRE who had gone to an almshouse to visit his father met

a Neighbour there, who was greatly surprised.

 

“What!” said the Neighbour, “you do sometimes visit your father?”

 

“If our situations were reversed,” said the Millionaire, “I am sure

he would visit me. The old man has always been rather proud of me.

Besides,” he added, softly, “I had to have his signature; I am

insuring his life.”

AESOPUS EMENDATUS

The Cat and the Youth

 

A CAT fell in love with a handsome Young Man, and entreated Venus

to change her into a woman.

 

“I should think,” said Venus, “you might make so trifling a change

without bothering me. However, be a woman.”

 

Afterward, wishing to see if the change were complete, Venus caused

a mouse to approach, whereupon the woman shrieked and made such a

show of herself that the Young Man would not marry her.

 

The Farmer and His Sons

 

A FARMER being about to die, and knowing that during his illness

his Sons had permitted the vineyard to become overgrown with weeds

while they improved the shining hour by gambling with the doctor,

said to them:

 

“My boys, there is a great treasure buried in the vineyard. You

dig in the ground until you find it.”

 

So the Sons dug up all the weeds, and all the vines too, and even

neglected to bury the old man.

 

Jupiter and the Baby Show

 

JUPITER held a baby show, open to all animals, and a Monkey entered

her hideous cub for a prize, but Jupiter only laughed at her.

 

“It is all very well,” said the Monkey, “to laugh at my offspring,

but you go into any gallery of antique sculpture and look at the

statues and busts of the fellows that you begot yourself.”

 

“‘Sh! don’t expose me,” said Jupiter, and awarded her the first

prize.

 

The Man and the Dog

 

A MAN who had been bitten by a Dog was told that the wound would

heal if he would dip a piece of bread in the blood and give it to

the Dog. He did so.

 

“No,” said the Dog; “if I were to accept that, it might be thought

that in biting you I was actuated by improper motives.”

 

“And by what motives were you actuated?” asked the Man.

 

“I desired,” replied the Dog, “merely to harmonise myself with the

Divine Scheme of Things. I’m a child of Nature.”

 

The Cat and the Birds

 

HEARING that the Birds in an aviary were ill, a Cat went to them

and said that he was a physician, and would cure them if they would

let him in.

 

“To what school of medicine do you belong?” asked the Birds.

 

“I am a Miaulopathist,” said the Cat.

 

“Did you ever practise Gohomoeopathy?” the Birds inquired, winking

faintly.

 

The Cat took the hint and his leave.

 

Mercury and the Woodchopper

 

A WOODCHOPPER, who had dropped his axe into a deep pool, besought

Mercury to recover it for him. That thoughtless deity immediately

plunged into the pool, which became so salivated that the trees

about its margin all came loose and dropped out.

 

The Fox and the Grapes

 

A FOX, seeing some sour grapes hanging within an inch of his nose,

and being unwilling to admit that there was anything he would not

eat, solemnly declared that they were out of his reach.

 

The Penitent Thief

 

A BOY who had been taught by his Mother to steal grew to be a man

and was a professional public official. One day he was taken in

the act and condemned to die. While going to the place of

execution he passed his Mother and said to her:

 

“Behold your work! If you had not taught me to steal, I should not

have come to this.”

 

“Indeed!” said the Mother. “And who, pray, taught you to be

detected?”

 

The Archer and the Eagle

 

AN Eagle mortally wounded by an Archer was greatly comforted to

observe that the arrow was feathered with one of his own quills.

 

“I should have felt bad, indeed,” he said, “to think that any other

eagle had a hand in this.”

 

Truth and the Traveller

 

A MAN travelling in a desert met a Woman.

 

“Who art thou?” asked the Man, “and why dost thou dwell in this

dreadful place?”

 

“My name,” replied the Woman, “is Truth; and I live in the desert

in order to be near my worshippers when they are driven from among

their fellows. They all come, sooner or later.”

 

“Well,” said the Man, looking about, “the country doesn’t seem to

be very thickly settled here.”

 

The Wolf and the Lamb

 

A LAMB, pursued by a Wolf, fled into the temple.

 

“The priest will catch you and sacrifice you,” said the Wolf, “if

you remain there.”

 

“It is just as well to be sacrificed by the priest as to be eaten

by you,” said the Lamb.

 

“My friend,” said the Wolf, “it pains me to see you considering so

great a question from a purely selfish point of view. It is not

just as well for me.”

 

The Lion and the Boar

 

A LION and a Boar, who were fighting for water at a pool, saw some

vultures hovering significantly above them. “Let us make up our

quarrel,” said the Boar, “or these fellows will get one of us,

sure.”

 

“I should not so much mind that,” replied the Lion, “if they would

get the right one. However, I am willing to stop fighting, and

then perhaps I can grab a vulture. I like chicken better than

pork, anyhow.”

 

The Grasshopper and the Ant

 

ONE day in winter a hungry Grasshopper applied to an Ant for some

of the food which they had stored.

 

“Why,” said the Ant, “did you not store up some food for yourself,

instead of singing all the time?”

 

“So I did,” said the Grasshopper; “so I did; but you fellows broke

in and carried it all away.”

 

The Fisher and the Fished

 

A FISHERMAN who had caught a very small Fish was putting it in his

basket when it said:

 

“I pray you put me back into the stream, for I can be of no use to

you; the gods do not eat fish.”

 

“But I am no god,” said the Fisherman.

 

“True,” said the Fish, “but as soon as Jupiter has heard of your

exploit, he will elevate you to the deitage. You are the only man

that ever caught a small fish.”

 

The Farmer and the Fox

 

A FARMER who had a deadly and implacable hatred against a certain

Fox, caught him and tied some tow to his tail; then carrying him to

the centre of his own grain-field, set the tow on fire and let the

animal go.

 

“Alas!” said the Farmer, seeing the result; “if that grain had not

been heavily insured, I might have had to dissemble my hatred of

the Fox.”

 

Dame Fortune and the Traveller

 

A WEARY Traveller who had lain down and fallen asleep on the brink

of a deep well was discovered by Dame Fortune.

 

“If this fool,” she said, “should have an uneasy dream and roll

into the well men would say that I did it. It is painful to me to

be unjustly accused, and I shall see that I am not.”

 

So saying she rolled the man into the well.

 

The Victor and the Victim

 

TWO Game Cocks, having fought a battle, the defeated one skulked

away and hid, but the victor mounted a wall and crowed lustily.

This attracted the attention of a hawk, who said:

 

“Behold! how pride goeth before a fall.”

 

So he swooped down upon the boasting bird and was about to destroy

him, when the vanquished Cock came out of his hiding-place, and

between the two the Hawk was calamitously defeated.

 

The Wolf and the Shepherds

 

A WOLF passing a Shepherd’s hut looked in and saw the shepherds

dining.

 

“Come in,” said one of them, ironically, “and partake of your

favourite dish, a haunch of mutton.”

 

“Thank you,” said the Wolf, moving away, “but you must excuse me; I

have just had a saddle of shepherd.”

 

The Goose and the Swan

 

A CERTAIN rich man reared a Goose and a Swan, the one for his

table, the other because she was reputed a good singer. One night

when the Cook went to kill the Goose he got hold of the Swan

instead. Thereupon the Swan, to induce him to spare her life,

began to sing; but she saved him nothing but the trouble of killing

her, for she died of the song.

 

The Lion, the Cock, and the Ass

 

A LION was about to attack a braying Ass, when a Cock near by

crowed shrilly, and the Lion ran away. “What frightened him?” the

Ass asked.

 

“Lions have a superstitious terror of my voice,” answered the Cock,

proudly.

 

“Well, well, well,” said the Ass, shaking his head; “I should think

that any animal that is afraid of your voice and doesn’t mind mine

must have an uncommon kind of ear.”

 

The Snake and