Love Is A Form Of Suicide by Jimm Tumbly (book club reads .TXT) 📖

shout, following him out the door. Its time for breakfast, and Im starving. Maybe Ill see Victory in the cafeteria. Stop it! Dont think about her!

Jack laughs and leads me down the hall. He leads me down the stairs and into the cafeteria. He chuckles and then walks away. I roll my eyes, heading towards the line. I try not to look around, dont want to search for her. But I do and see her sitting by herself in the back of the cafeteria. Perfect.

I grab a tray and allow the lunch lady to place a plate with an egg, baccon and sausage. I grab a cartan of orange juice and head over to Victory. She lifts her head as I take a seat across from her.

"Ive sat alone by myself plenty of times. It just adds to the crazy." I say, giving her a smile. She laughs softly and my heart skips a beat.

"Hey psycho." She replies, her smile warm.

"I have a name you know." I say as I take a bite of my eggs. There is no salt what so ever on them. They taste disgusting. But Im starving, so I continue to eat.

"I know. But I like giving people nicknames." She takes a sip of her orange juice and studies me.

"Then you wont mind if I give you a nickname." She thinks for a moment.

"What do you have in mind?" I pretend to think hard. I already have tons picked out for her; beautiful, perfect, amazing. But none of those will do. I want to get with her, not marry her.

"Hmm...how about freak?" After all, she is a freak.

She laughs. "I guess that suits me well." A smile lights up her face and I know she has me wrapped around her finger.

"Psycho and freak, we go together well." I offer a sly smile, trying to hide the pounding of my heart.

"I guess so." I dont know what to say to that, so I look down at my plate. I take another bite of eggs.

"Brent, why did you do it?" I look up at her, her eyes are sincere.

"You called me Brent." I smile.

"Yeah, I did." She smiles back. "So, why'd you do it? Why did you shoot yourself?"

Ive never told anyone the reason. I hadnt even told Mrs. Scarlett the truth.

"No reason." I reply, peeling my eyes from hers. She reaches out and touches my hand.

"You can tell me." Her voice is soft, and sweet. I want so bad to tell someone. But I barely know Victory.

I pull my hand away and stand up. "Your wrong, I cant tell anyone. Its not like you would understand anyway!" I shout the words and walk away, sitting somewhere else. I catch a glimpse of Victory. Her expression is puzzled, but sad. I didnt mean to hurt her, I just snapped.

I sigh and stand up, walking towards the trash can. I dump my tray and walk back over to Victory. This time I dont sit down.

"Im sorry." I say. She doesnt look up at me. "Victory, I really am sorry. I just dont like talking about it, okay?" She finally looks up at me, her face pouty.

"Okay." She replies. I sit down and try to cheer her up.

"Hey, you wanna hear about crazy chick?" That sparks her interest. She leans foward in her chair, placing her elbows on the table.

"Who's that?" She asks.

"Well, its this chick who everyone nicknamed crazy chick. Just last week she tried to strangle herself with her pillow, so they put her in a straight jacket for a week." Her eyes widen.

"Woah. She must be crazy." I nod. "Tell me more!" I smile and continue.

Victory makes me happy, she makes me smile. Shes smokin hot and is nice to talk to. Maybe once we get out of here we can hook up. But thats as far as Ill allow it to go. I already have enough freaks in my life.

Flashbacks Are A Bitch

Memories stay with you, good or bad. Sometimes you wish you could erase the bad memories, forget them all together. But then again, they are the only things linking you to the hatred and anger you feel. If the bad memories about a person were erased, you would forget why you tried to kill yourself.

Its been two weeks since I first met Victory. We talk a lot. She hasnt asked one more thing about why I tried to kill myself, which is good. Nobody knows why. My mom might, but I dont talk to her. I dont hate her, but I havent forgiven her. She was a victim too, but she was someone who could have helped me and she didnt.

Victory is a great person. She listens to me even when I ramble on and make no sense. And for the very first time in my life, Im actually....happy.

Jack opens my door, signialing its time for therapy. I sigh and stand up, follow him into the hall. Im sure Mrs. Scarlett will ask once again why I tried to kill myself. And once again, I wont talk.

I follow close behind Jack as we retreat down the hall. Victory is still in her room until we have group later on today. I stuff my hands in my pockets and keep my head down, not looking at all the psychopaths that pass me.

Quietly, Jack opens the door and I walk inside. I take a seat like usual and Mrs. Scarlett begins to speak.

"Hello, Brent." She says with a smile. "How are you today?" Thats a loaded question. I feel fine, happy acutally. But am I fine?

"I dont know." I reply. "I feel fine. Actually, Im happy."

"Thats good."

"Yeah, but Im a sick person. Why do I feel happy?" She thinks for a moment, going over my question in her head.

"In what way are you sick, Brent?" She finally asks.

I smile at her innocents. "Im surprised you dont know why, Mrs. Scarlett."

She shakes her head. "Im sorry Brent but I dont. I think you are healing and getting better. I never thought you were sick."

"Maybe thats one of you defects, Kathy." I reply using her first name. The name makes me wince, but I keep going. "Your a good therapist, but you cant get in my mind. You cant see all the things that make me sick." I place my elbows on her desk and lean foward, looking into her eyes. "Im a very sick person, you see. I tried to kill myself, would give anything to die. Every day I look around me, thinking about what I could use next to ensure my death." She backs away a little bit. "I actually thought about killing my dad once. Almost went through with it until my mom walked into the living room. She took me in my room and talked me out of it. I was seven." I see the fear in her eyes. She thinks Im going to hurt her, try to kill her too. I wouldnt do that.

"Brent, could you please sit back in your chair?" She swallows hard, looking at the pen close to my hand. She thinks Im going to pick it up and stab her in the neck. Im not kill crazy, just crazy. I laugh and sit back in my chair.

"Thank you." She says, suppressing a sigh of relief. "So Brent, why did you try to kill your father?" Her words trigger a flashback. The memory comes at me like a ton of bricks, causing me to be lost in thought.

Im seven again, playing with dinosaurs in my room. I hear my parents yelling. My dad is screaming at my mom, saying something I cant quite understand. I hear something break and my mom scream in pain. Im scared now, dont know what to do. I open my door and look down the hall into the living room. I see my mom laying on the floor with blood gushing from her nose. The coffee table lay broken beside her. I run to her in panic, screaming her name.

As I am running to her my dad cuts me off. He grabs me by the shoulders, anger on his face.

"Dont you dare touch her!" He spits at me. Im crying by now, scared to speak. "If you take one step towards her Ill beat you too. Do you understand me?" I shake my head yes and he hits me across the face. "Speak boy! You arent fucking stupid, are you?"

"No sir, Im not." I reply quietly.

"Good. Now tell me you understand."

"I understand sir." He looks me in the eye with evil and then throws me to the floor. He walks over to my mom smiling and kneels beside her. He strokes her hair gently.

"Maybe if you werent such a whore, Kathy we could make this work. Maybe if you would have closed your legs we would have such a screw up." He motions towards me. My mom doesnt speak. Just lies there on the floor and cries.

"Brent? Brent, can you hear me?" I hear Mrs. Scarlett's voice calling my name. I hadnt realized I had been screaming until I came too. I had been screaming for my mom, for help.

Jack and Mrs. Scarlett were staring at me now, concern visible on their faces. I stare at the for a moment without speaking.

"I-Im sorry." I whisper.

"Brent, what happend. Why were you screaming?" Mrs. Scarlett asks.

"He-he was beating her. She was bleeding and he wouldnt let me save her. I couldnt save her." I begin to cry. Mrs. Scarlett wraps her arms around me and I cry on her shoulder.

"I think he needs to go back to his room." Mrs. Scarlett whispers to Jack. "He needs rest."

"No," I object, pulling away from her. "I cant go back to that small room. I need to see Victory." She looks at Jack.

"I think he should see her." Jack says. She nods.

"Okay Brent, you can see Victory but only for a little bit." I nod and stand up. Jack leads me out of Mrs. Scarletts office and down the hall. We stop at the rec room. The rec room is a huge room with a couch, chairs, a pool table and a t.v. Inmates who cooperate get higher privilages like the rec room.

"Sit here. Ill tell Mrs. May to get Victory." Jack says. I nod and he exits the room. I stare around, my hands shaking and tears still forming in my eyes.

That day after my dad left I called my grandma. She came over and took my mom to the hospital. Her nose was broken and she had two broken ribs. She still never left him.

"Brent?" I hear Victory's voice. I stand up and wrap my arms around her, burring my face in her hair. "Brent, what's wrong?" She asks. I cant bring myself to talk. I let go of her and sit down on the couch. Tears are running down my cheeks.

"J-just hold me. Make me forget." I say to her, looking into her moss green eyes. She doesnt hesitate. She sits down next to me and takes me in her arms. I lay my head on her shoulder and continue to