The Self Harmed by Chalen D. (libby ebook reader .txt) 📖

lip is small and one side is higher than the other, My arms are fat, I’m fat. I’m ugly, and there’s nothing I can do about it, but starve.”

“How much do you weight?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“How much do you weight?”

“99.”

“What!”

“It was wedding stress okay?”

“It was not wedding stress Charlie.” He said. “What would be the perfect weight to you?”

I sniffed, and wiped at my nose, “88.”

“88!”

“Sh!” I hissed at him.

“You’ll be dead.” He lowered his voice.

I looked at him, “I don’t care. And that’s what scares me Cyrus. The fact that I don’t care if I die.”

“Excuse me?” A nurse came over.

I sighed and pulled up my sleeve, and held out my right hand. She snapped on a red bracelet and then left.

“See?” I demanded, holding up my hand. “I’ll never get better.”

“Getting better doesn’t have anything to do with how many bracelets you have. It has to do with this.” He touched my temple.

“Well this is dead.” I told him. “You have too much Faith in me.”

“Just like you have in everyone else.”

“It’s no use in having faith in me.”

“Why not?”

“Because when I don’t make it, it will hurt you that much more.”

“It will kill me if you don’t make it.” He grabbed my arms. “Snap out of this Beautiful! Don’t say your ugly. Don’t say your Fat, Don’t say you can’t get better, Don’t lie to me Charlie.”

“I’m not lying. I can’t get better.”

“You  know you can get better Charlie, I know you know it, but your just scared.”

I took a breath and didn’t say anything. I knew he was right. I was scared.

“I can’t help it.” I finally said. “When I’ve felt one way for so long, it’s so hard to feel something different. I don’t know if I can.”

“Have you even tried?”

“I don’t know how to try Cyrus. I really don’t.”

“Do what they tell you to do. Listen to what they say. Hold on to the hope of getting better.” He grabbed my Hands. “Who’s someone you would hate to go through this?”

“My sister if I have one. Chloe or Caroline.”

“So when they come around, do you want them thinking that they’re ugly and fat because big sister thinks that way?”

“No.”

“But it’s okay right? I mean big sister thinks that way, so it has to be okay for Chloe or Caroline.”

“It’s not.”

“Well what’s good for one sister is good for the other.”

“No it’s not. I’m going to Teach Chloe or Caroline to love themselves, to not care what others say about them. I’m going to raise them with Hope. I’m going to be there for everything they need help with no matter how stupid and little it is, because She’s mine. She’s mine to protect, Society will not get to her like it got to me.”

“And how are you going to protect her from the thing that threatens your life, when you have no idea how to do it?” He questioned. “I mean if you get better you’ll know all the warning signs, and you’ll know how to stop her from getting as bad as you did.”

“Am I really that bad?” I looked at him.

“Worse.”

~Trapped Inside~

It was around lunch time when I started to feel a little better. I still felt fat, and I still didn’t want to eat. I mean my little sister wasn’t here yet and what if I never ever got one? What if they were both boys? I knew how to stop people from cutting. I knew how to help people, I just didn’t know how to help me. Eating food didn’t seem like it was the answer.

I still wanted to go home but I knew damn well that my Mom wasn’t going to let me when she realized just how bad it got. I had major dizzy spells, I was barely able to pick up my bag because of how much muscle I had lost. It hurt when someone tried to hug me so I started to cringe. It only made people worry about me more when that’s the last thing I had wanted from anyone. Was for them to worry. It was hard to try when you had no goal. During the week the music room was closed so it was hard to practice anything for the band.

Which just let me focus on more on the fact that I felt trapped inside my very own dreams.

~Reason for Insane.~

It was now February first. It was starting to get warmer, but you still had to wear a jacket in the garden which was wear I was. Sitting in front of the stones. Ryder was at my left and Alex was at my right. It was hard to have a decent conversation now with so many nurses around, waiting for you to say the wrong thing. They had retaken off my red bracelet again. They never took off my blue bracelet however.

“Do you think they can hear us?” Alex whispered.

“I wouldn’t doubt it.” Ryder muttered back.

“It’s not fair that we have to be watched so much.” I muttered.

“That’s what we get for being sick.” Ryder whispered.

“How are we supposed to get better when we feel alone?” I demanded. “Like we have no one to talk to.”

“I guess that’s what group is for.” Alex answered.

“Even group is more quieter. Barely anyone is expressing their feelings.” Ryder whispered.

“Because They’re all afraid.” I muttered, ripping at the grass.

“Careful,” Alex touched my hand, “You don’t want them coming over here thinking you’re going to have an episode.”

I sighed and let the grass I had in my hand slowly fall out.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not going to be able to get better in this hostile environment. Sure there wasn’t so much nurses lurking around back then but at least it felt like a home. Like we belonged here.” Ryder said. “It feels like we’re intruding now. This used to be a place where it was safe to talk to your friends about your problems. Now you say the wrong thing and you get a bracelet strapped into place.”

“I feel the same.” Alex nodded. “It doesn’t feel like I have support here. It feels like all the staff members have something better to do.”

“Exactly.” I mumbled.

“And the worst part is we can’t do anything about it because we don’t know who to talk to. They’d probably Strap us all into a padded cell if we told them we didn’t feel safe.” Ryder muttered.

“If they want us to get better you would think that they would actually act like they cared.” Alex whispered.

“What are you guys doing?” Clara asked squeezing between Alex and I.

“We’re talking about all the new nurses.” Alex answered.

“I know right?” She asked. “It feels like we’re in prison. One wrong turn and they’ll start strapping on shocking bracelets.”

“Can they do that?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” Clara whispered. “But I wouldn’t put it past them.”

“Me either.” Ryder spoke up.

“This school is making me feel scared to get better.” I muttered.

“Mr. Pepper.” Alex jumped up. “We can trust him.”

He held out his hands and I grabbed them so he could pull me up.

“Come on.”

Clara and Ryder each grabbed one of his hands, and jumped up. We quickly hurried to Mr. Pepper and voiced our opinions.

“And we have no idea of what to do about it.” Alex finished.

Mr. Pepper stayed quite for a second, then ran a hand over his face. “I agree with you all completely. Other students have come to me complaining also.”

“So what do we do?” Clara asked.

“What can we do?” I asked.

“I’m working on it.” Mr. Pepper sighed. “But I have no idea on how to go about it. The board spoke. It was rather we did this or we had to get shut down.”

“So they’d rather have us afraid of getting better, then feeling like there’s hope?” Ryder questioned.

“I don’t know Ryder.” Mr. Pepper shook his head. “I’m trying to work through it I am, but there’s only so much one person can do.”

“Our parents.” I said.

“What about them?” Clara asked. “They put us in here.”

“Maybe if we talk to them-“

“And then they take us out?” Alex cut off Ryder. “There’s nothing we can do. We’re just kids. Kids who are sick. They think we’re all crazy. We don’t need to give them reason to see us insane.”

“Well then what about the other kids that feel the same?” I questioned. “What if we put up a strike? I’m not going to just roll over and play dead. I’m here for one thing and one thing only, and that’s to get better. Every time I see one of these stupid bracelets it just reminds me of how sick I really am, and when other people look at them it makes me feel bad about myself. And our friends are the ones who have helped us the most and all of the sudden we can’t talk to them without getting another bracelet slapped into place. This is bull shit!”

They were all quite after I finished I knew they all believed me and were on my side but they didn’t say anything.

“When is the strike?” Caden asked from the door.

~When's the Strike?~

 "When is the strike?" Caden asked from the door.

I smiled at him, and He nodded.

"I'm in, but we have to make sure we have a lot of people becuase no one is going to want to listen to a couple of teenagers." Ayelie said, "Who cares if a couple of kids have a promblem. But if half the schoold had a problem?"
"The only problem is, How are we going to talk to anyone about this?" Ryader asked, "There's nurses everywere, and if they see us trying to rebel they'll probably lock us in a padded cell."

"Do they have thoes?" Clara wanted to know.

"Yup." Alex, Ayelie, and Caden said