The Self Harmed by Chalen D. (libby ebook reader .txt) 📖

ways. I'll pick up a bald, or a pipe, and I'll get bad again. But like Clara says I can't tell my Doctor this because He'll look at me like I'm a crazy piece of shit. I don't deserve to live."
     "Yeah you do." He looekd up at me, "We all do. We just have to believe it."

"How?" Clara asked.
    "I don't know." Owen answered for me.

"I don't think It's ever going to go away." Caden spoke up. "Because if it did, if the sadness and hating yourself ever went away, we wouldn't be here. Ryder, ALex, Ayelie, Charlie, and I wouldn't cut ourselves, and Charlie, Clara and Ryder wouldn't feel the need to starve for perfection."

"The only good thing about this place is that I met you guys. I never had friends out in the real world." I picked at my thumb again. "Normal people don't understand me. They don't know what it feels like to ahte yourself. They just don't get it."

"And the worst thing about this place?" Ryder asked.
     "Them forcing us to Recover." Alex said. "I don't do well when I'm forced to do something."

"Yeah," Ayelie shook her head, "I don't like being told what to do. It makes me feel like a little kid and I've been through more shit that most adults."

"I know right?" Clara snorted. "I bet they don't even know what it's like to hate yourself."
     "I don't like how they act all careful." I kicked my leg out. "Like I"m going to fall and break the first chance I get."

"I know!" Owen tossed out a hand. "They tip toe around the situation at hand. We might as well jsut go back home. That's what are parents do. That's why they sent us here, so other poeple can take care of thier kids, becuase they don't feel like it."
"I don't think it's becuase they don't feel like it." Alex shook his head. "I think it's because they're afraid of us."

"Which is insane." Ayelie looked at us to make sure we agreed with her. "They raised us. They should know how to treat us. How to help us."
"But they don't," Clara yanked a string from her sweater. "And that's why we're here. And I'm not to sure if they're scared of us, or scared for us."
"And that's the worst thing. Having the ones you love worry abut you." I looked at my knee. "Because when people start to worry, they start to pay attention to you."

 

 

~This is fucking rediculous~

 It's been three months since the strike. The bracelets aren't in play anymore, but the nurses are still there. As stong as ever. It's the middle of may and suprise! Chloe and Coltan are coming to town! I've gained wieght. I've learned how to not binge, but I still think I'm fat.

Clara looks healthy, and her face is gaining some color. Ayelie started to open up to Her Doctor, and Alex switched meds. Ryder and Caden had five break downs, Owen had seven, and I had three. One was really bad so Mom had to come down. I didn't think she really needed to. She didn't need the stress, becuase she was pregnant. So I quit having break downs.

Kids began to really use talking to thier friends to the fullest. The even started talking to kids out side of their friend groups. One more month and then it would be summer. But I wasn't really in a rush. Clara lived in California, Ayelie was from Noth Carolina, Alex was in New York, and Rydser was in Idaho. I was stuck in Virginia. With Caden and Owen, who had evidently gotten into two fist fights in the last three months.

It caused them to meet the white room. When I had my really bad mealt down I had to meet the white room too. It's a padded cell, floor walls roof, with a padded door on your side, a metal one on their side. They stripped me of my clothes, and put me in a paper gown. They had aslo slapped me in a straight Jacket. By the time the seditive wore off I bent like a freaking pretzel and broke out of the stright jacket. I had already been freaking out so bad, that no one wanted to come in my cell and put it back on me.

Inside the cell it was creepy quiet, and when someone would talk outside of the door, it was muffeled. You couldn't make out what they said. And the room was so damn white it stung my eyes. Mom had finally showed up and they slowly let her in. As soon as I saw her I had calmmed down, and Mom was irrated that she was called down, becuase, obviously I was fine. She deamdned that they let me out of the cell. They did.

I was curently sitting on the courner of the couch in the lounge. Ayelie was streached out on the couch next to me her head on my lap. I stared at the wall playing with her hair. Clara was sitting on the floor in front on me hitting her head on the arm rest, as she stared at the wall. Three months. Three months and we were all breaking.

"What the hell happened to you?" Alex deamdned standing in front of us.

He was the only one out of Us all that acted normal becuase he was on the right pills. The rest of us were doped up on xanax and zoloft. We all looked at him, not really seeing him.

"Are you," He waved a hand in front of my face, and I followed it, "Are you high?"

Ayelie wiped at her face, but her hand was soaked from previous tears, so her face remained wet. They kept us dopped up becuase we're the trouble makers. The Real CK's.

"Stop it," Alex grabebd Clara's head in his hands.

She stopped hitting her head. Alex slowly let go of her face, and she began to hit her head agin.

"This is fucking rediculous."

And he left the room. I followed him until he was gone and then looked at the wall. I touched Clara's head and she stopped hitting her head. I took one of her curls and wrapped it around my finger. A nurse walked over to me slowly syringe in hand.
    "Charlie," She said hands up, a couple of nurses behind her, "It's time to change your meds okay?"

My eyes followed her hand as she stuck the needel in my arm.

"Good girl," She said, as she pushed in the grey tip.
A nurse went for Ayelie, and I grabbed the syringe and tossed it across the room. Another went for Clara and I jumped up knocking them to the side. I looked down at Clara. She was looking up at me like a scared little girl. Not Afraid of me of course. I looked behind me, and A nurse held a straight jacket.

 

~It's almost over~

 I woke up in the white room, propped against a wall. My mouth was dry, my eyes heavy, and My arms ached from being in a stright jacket for so long. The loud lock turned, and the door opened. Someone walked in, but I couldn't make them out, my vision was blurred.
    "Be careful."

"Fuck off."

The person bent down in fornt of me.
    "Charlie?" He waved a hand and I followed it. "Can you see me yet?"

I shook my head.
   "It's me," He rwached around to undo the jacket. "Owen."

He pulled the jacket off and I wrapped my arms around his neck. The last time I saw Owen, he was sitting in a chair in the lounge, drooling on himself. Then a couple of nurses took him away, and I didn't see him again. That was four days ago.

"They're going to change your meds, but you have to stay calm okay?" He sat down next to me. "They need you to work with them."
I crawled onto his lap.

"She's fine." Owen called.

A nurse came in and took my face. My eyes still didn't work. Were stiil heavy. The nurse opened and eye, and shined in a light. I jerked my head away, and the nurse jumped back.

"It's okay." Owen took my face, "Sh."
The nurse slowly shined the light in my other eye. I tried to yank away, but Owen held onto my face.

"You're okay." He soothed. "It's almost over."
And then I started to cry. Which was basically the only thing I could do these days. The nurse left the room, and my eyes began to foucus.

"Here." Owen put something to my mouth.

I looked down. A water bottle.
     "Come on Charlie," He tipped it. "There you go It's okay. I promise."
He rubbed my arm. I pushed the bottle away and plopped my too heavy head onto his chest.

"Good girl."
I closed my eyes.

~Straberries and Cherries~

 I slowly opened my eyes. My bed. My mind was clear. I smelled strawberries, and cherries. Clara and Ayelie. I quickly sat up, my head spinning. I couldn't tell if it was a side effect of the seditive, or my eating Disorder.
    "Welcome to the Suicide wing," Ayelie grinned, as she sat on my desk.

"Where all your nightmares come true," Clara finished from where she leaned on the wall.

I shot out of bed, ingoring the dizziness, and Pulled Ayelie into a hug. She was closest. I then quickly pulled Clara into a hug.

"Suicide wing." I nodded.

"Yeah," Clara nodded too.

"You act like it's a bad thing, you ass holes," Ayelie snorted.
     "There's my btich," I grinned and pulled her in for a hug by her neck. "What happened? The last thing I remember is getting drugged up on pills."

"Yeah, that was five days ago." Clara explained.
     "Five days!" I yelled.

"Yeah, Alex saw something was up and asked to use the phone. He called your Mom, and she