Mr. Punch's Life in London by J. A. Hammerton (i wanna iguana read aloud .txt) 📖
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
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[Pg 95]
THE OBSTINACY OF THE PARENT
Emily Jane. "Yes, I'm always a-sayin' to father as 'e oughter retire from the crossin', but keep at it 'e will, though it ain't just no more 'n the broom as 'olds 'im up!"
[Pg 96]
THE MONEY MARKETThe scarcity of money is frightful. As much as a hundred per cent., to be paid in advance, has been asked upon bills; but we have not yet heard of any one having given it. There was an immense run for gold, but no one got any, and the whole of the transactions of the day were done in copper. An influential party created some sensation by coming into the market late in the afternoon, just before the close of business, with half-a-crown; but it was found, on inquiry, to be a bad one. It is expected that if the dearth of money continues another week, buttons must be resorted to. A party, whose transactions are known to be large, succeeded in settling his account with the bulls, by means of postage-stamps; an arrangement of which the bears will probably take advantage.
A large capitalist in the course of the day attempted to change the direction things had taken, by throwing an immense quantity of paper into the market; but as no one seemed disposed to have anything to do with it, it blew over.
The parties to the Dutch loan are much irritated[Pg 98] at being asked to take their dividends in butter; but, after the insane attempt to get rid of the Spanish arrears by cigars, which, it is well known, ended in smoke, we do not think the Dutch project will be proceeded with.
"Letters of Credit."—I.O.U.
Capital Punishment.—Stopping in London in August.
Residence for the Clerk of the Weather.—"The clearing-house."
A MAN OF LETTERS
[Pg 97]
Most Assuring.
Brown (who is nervous about sanitary matters, and detects something). "Hum"—(sniffs)—"surely—this system of yours—these pipes now—do they communicate with your main drain?"
Hairdresser (with cheery gusto). "Direct, sir!"
[Tableau.[Pg 99]
Gilded Johnny. "How long will it take your bally cab to get to Victoria?"
Cabby. "Oh, just about the same time as an ordinary keb, sir."
[Pg 100]
"NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND"
Respectable Man. "Dear me! I'm sorry to see this, Muggles! I heard you'd left off drinking!"
Disreputable Party. "Sho I 'ave, shir—(hic)—jesh 'ish very minute!"
[Pg 101]
Obvious.
Stingy Uncle (to impecunious Nephew). "Pay as you go, my boy!—Pay as you go!"
Nephew (suggestively). "But suppose I haven't any money to pay with, uncle——"
Uncle. "Eh?—Well, then, don't go, you know—don't go!"
[Exit hastily.[Pg 102]
Street Serio (singing).
"Er—yew will think hov me and love me has in dies hov long ago-o-o!"
[Pg 103]
SHEWERFIT & Co.
[Pg 104]
REAL GRATITUDE
Tramp (to Chappie, who has just given him a shilling). "I 'ope as 'ow some day, sir, you may want a shillin', an' that I'll be able to give it to yer!"
[Pg 105]
Vendor of Cheap Music.
"'Ere y' are, lidy! 'I'll be yer Sweet'art.' One penny!"
[Pg 106]
CORRESPONDENCEIf you please, sir, as a young visitor to the metropolis, and well acquainted with history, I want to ask you—
Who is the Constable of the Tower?
What is his number?
Is he dressed like other constables?
Can he run anyone in, and make them move on if found loitering on his beat?
Is his beat all round the Tower?
Is he a special? one of the force de tour, empowered to use a tour de force? (You see I am well up in French.)
I saw a very amiable-looking policeman cracking nuts in the vicinity of the Tower. Do you think this was the constable in question?
Yours,Rusty Cuss in Urbe.
P.S.—Pantheon means a place where all the gods are. I know Greek. The Pantheon in Regent Street I find is now a wine merchant's. Is England exclusively devoted to Bacchus, and is temperance a heresy?
[Pg 107]
On the Ninth.
Freddy. "And do they have a new Lord Mayor every year, mummie?"
Mother. "Yes, dear."
Freddy. "Then what do they do with the old Lord Mayors when they've done with 'em?"
[Pg 108]
Clerk. "Lady been here this morning, sir, complaining about some goods we sent her."
Employer. "Who was she?"
Clerk. "I quite forgot to ask her name, sir, but she's a little woman—with a full-sized tongue!"
[Pg 109]
Little Boldwig (he had been dining with his Company, and had let himself in with his latchkey—to gigantic stranger he finds in his hall). "Come on. I'll fight you!" (Furiously.) "Put your shtick down!!"
[But his imaginary foe was only the new umbrella-stand—a presentfrom Mrs. B.!
[Pg 110]
MAKING THE MOST OF IT
A Shocking Thing to think of!—A galvanic battery.
"Cash Advances."—Courting a rich widow.
Motto for Hairdressers.—"Cut and comb again."
Correct Motto for the Easy Shaver.—Nothing like lather.
[Pg 111]
ADVERTISEMENT INADVERTENCIES Perpetrated by Dumb-Crambo, Junior
"Suitable opening for a pupil"
"Mother's help wanted"
"Pushing man to take orders"
"A good plate cleaner"
"No reasonable offer refused"
"Goods carefully removed (in town or country)"
[Pg 112]
The Best Possession.—Self-possession.
Two Synonymous Trades.—A hairdresser; a locksmith.
The best Substitute for Coal.—Warm weather.
Passing Amenities.
Growler. "Hi! Hi! Carn't yer look out wher' yer a-comin'?"
Omnibus. "Garn! Shut up, jack-in-the-box!"
[Pg 113]
"I wonder when that A. B. C. girl is going to serve us? I've called her half-a-dozen times."
"Perhaps she's D. E. F."
Town Improvement.—There is, we hear, a winter garden to be opened at Somer's Town.
The Dummy-Monde.—Madame Tussaud's wax-work.
[Pg 114]
SO INVITING!
[Pg 115]
Passenger (rising politely). "Excuse me, mum, but do you believe in woman's rights?"
New Woman. "Most certainly I do."
Passenger (resuming seat). "Oh well, then stand up for 'em!"
[Pg 116]
DESPERATE RESOLVES OF THE LAST MAN LEFT IN TOWNTo visit the National Gallery (for the first time), as an Englishman should really know something about the art treasures of his native country.
To spend an hour at the Tower (also for the first time), because there you will be able to brighten up your historical recollections which have become rather rusty since you took your B.A. degree just fifteen years ago.
To enter St. Paul's Cathedral with a view to thinking out a really good plan of decoration for the benefit of those who read letters addressed to the editor of the Times.
To take a ride in an omnibus from Piccadilly to Brompton to see what the interior of the vehicle in question is like, and therein to study the manners and customs of the English middle classes.
To walk in Rotten Row between the hours of twelve (noon) and two (p.m.) to see how the place looks without any people in it.
To have your photograph taken in your militia[Pg 118] uniform, as now there is no one in town to watch you getting out of a cab in full war paint.
To stroll into Mudie's Library to get all the new novels, because after reading them you may suddenly find yourself inspired to write a critique that will make your name (when the article has been accepted and published) as a most accomplished reviewer.
To read all the newspapers and magazines at the hairdresser's while your head is being shampooed (for the fourth time), as now is the time for improving your mind (occupied with so many other things during the season) with popular current literature.
To walk to your club (closed for repairs, &c.) to see how the workmen are progressing with the stone scraping of the exterior, as you feel yourself responsible to hundreds of your fellow-creatures as a member of the house committee.
To write a long letter to your friend Brown, of the 121st Foot, now in India with his regiment, to tell him how nothing is going on anywhere, because you have not written to him since he said "Good-bye" to you at Southampton.
To go home to bed at nine o'clock, as early[Pg 120] hours are good for the health, and because there is really nothing else to do.
And last, but not least, to leave London for the country by the very first train to-morrow morning!
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING IN THE CITYSigh no more dealers, sigh no more,
Shares were unstable ever,
They often have been down before,
At high rates constant never.
Then sigh not so,
Soon up they'll go,
And you'll be blithe and funny,
Converting all your notes of woe
Into hey, money, money.
Write no more letters, write no mo
On stocks so dull and heavy.
At times on 'Change 'tis always so,
When bears a tribute levy.
Then sigh not so,
And don't be low,
In sunshine you'll make honey,
Converting all your notes of woe,
Into hey, money, money.
"The Deserted Village."—London in September.
The Clockmaker's Paradise.—Seven Dials.
[Pg 117]
Studies in Evolution.
Alderman Brownjones senior explains to his son, Alderman Brownjones junior, that there is a lamentable falling-off since his day, in the breed of aldermen-sheriffs—not only in style and bearing, but even in "happetite"!
[Pg 119]
Gent (rushing out of club in a terrific hurry). "I say, cabby, drive as fast as you can to Waterloo—Leatherhead!"
Cabby. "'Ere, I say, not so much of your leather'ed, if you please!"
[Goes off grumbling.[Pg 121]
Mrs. Snobson (who is doing a little slumming for the first time and wishes to appear affable, but is at a loss to know how to commence conversation). "Town very empty!"
[Pg 122]
NEW EDITION OF WALKERThe baker rolls.
The butcher shambles.
The banker balances himself well.
The cook has a mincing gait.
The livery-stable keeper has a "musing gait."
The excursionist trips along.
The fishmonger flounders on.
The poulterer waddles like a duck.
The gardener does not allow the grass to grow under his feet.
The grocer treads gingerly.
The indiarubber manufacturer has an elastic step.
The rogue shuffles, and
The doctor's pace is killing.
Shopkeeper's Science.—Buyology.
People talk about making a clean sweep. Can they make a sweep clean?
Beneath One's Notice.—Advertisements on the pavement.
[Pg 123]
"THE ABSENT-MINDED BEGGAR"
(With apologies to Mr. Kipling)
[Pg 124]
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