Mr. Punch's Life in London by J. A. Hammerton (i wanna iguana read aloud .txt) 📖
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
Book online «Mr. Punch's Life in London by J. A. Hammerton (i wanna iguana read aloud .txt) 📖». Author J. A. Hammerton
[Cover]
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE.
Some pages of this work have been moved from the original sequence to enable the contents to continue without interruption. The page numbering remains unaltered.
MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON[Pg 1]
PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR Edited by J. A. Hammerton
Designed to provide in a series of
volumes, each complete in itself,
the cream of our national humour,
contributed by the masters of comic
draughtsmanship and the leading wits
of the age to "Punch," from its
beginning in 1841 to the present day.
[Pg 2]
Fussy Old Lady. "Now, don't forget, conductor, I want the Bank of England."
Conductor. "All right, mum." (Aside.) "She don't want much, do she, mate?"
[Pg 3]
MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON
AS PICTURED BY
PHIL MAY, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, E. T. REED, G. D. ARMOUR, F. H. TOWNSEND, FRED PEGRAM, C. E. BROCK, TOM BROWNE, A. S. BOYD, A. WALLIS MILLS, STARR WOOD, DUDLEY HARDY, AND MANY OTHER HUMORISTS.
IN 180 ILLUSTRATIONS
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
[Pg 4]
THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo. 192 pagesfully illustrated
LIFE IN LONDON
COUNTRY LIFE
IN THE HIGHLANDS
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
IRISH HUMOUR
COCKNEY HUMOUR
IN SOCIETY
AFTER DINNER STORIES
IN BOHEMIA
AT THE PLAY
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
ON THE CONTINONG
RAILWAY BOOK
AT THE SEASIDE
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
IN THE HUNTING FIELD
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
WITH ROD AND GUN
MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
BOOK OF SPORTS
GOLF STORIES
IN WIG AND GOWN
ON THE WARPATH
BOOK OF LOVE
WITH THE CHILDREN
SHAKESPEARE ON THE STREETS
(See "King Henry the Fourth," Act III., Sc. 1.)Glendower (to Hotspur). Cousin of many men, I do not bear these crossings.
[Pg 5]
A Sketch in Regent Street.
Puzzle—On which side are the shop windows?
ROUND THE TOWN
In the sixty-six years of his existence Mr. Punch has at one time or another touched upon every phase of life in London. He has moved in high society; he has visited the slums; he has been to the churches, the theatres, the concert rooms; he has travelled on the railways, in the 'buses and the cabs; he has amused himself on 'Change; he has gone shopping; he has lounged in the clubs, been a shrewd watcher and listener at the Law Courts, dined in the hotels and restaurants, sat in Parliament, made merry in the servants' hall, loitered along the pavements with a quick eye and ear for the wit and humour of the streets, and dropped in casually, a genial and observant visitor, at the homes and haunts of all sorts and conditions of men and women.
[Pg 6]
Obviously it is impossible that the fruits of all this adventuring could be gathered into a single volume; some of them are garnered already in other volumes of this series, in books that deal particularly with Mr. Punch's representations of what he has seen and heard of Society, of the Cockney, of the Lawyers, of our Domestics, of Clubmen and Diners-out, of the Theatres; therefore, in the present volume, we have limited him in the main to his recollections of the actual civic life in London, to his diversions on the Stock Exchange and in the Money Market generally, his pictured and written quips and jests about London's businesses and business men, with glimpses of what he knows of the variously dazzling and more or less strenuous life that everywhere environs these.
Subject for a Decorative Panel.
Road "up." Time—in the height of the season. Place—everywhere.
[Pg 7]
MR. PUNCH'S LIFE IN LONDON
The City "Article."—Money.
From the Streets.—A street conjuror complained the other day that he couldn't throw the knives and balls about, because he did not feel in the vein.
"In what vein?" asked a bystander, weakly.
"The juggler vein, of course, stupid!" was the answer.
[The bystander retired.A Light Employment.—Cleaning windows.
"The Model Ready Reckoner."—The man with his last shilling.
[Pg 8]
Money-Market and City Intelligence.—Operators for the rise—aeronauts; likewise anglers.
Just Off—the Bourse.—Stockbroker (to Client who has been pretty well loaded with certain scrip). Well, it just comes to this. Are you prepared to go the whole hog or none?
Client (timidly). I think I'd rather go the none.
What Colour should Parasites Dress in?—Fawn.
HOUSEHOLD HINTS FOR ECONOMICAL MANAGERS
How to Obtain a good Serviceable Light Porter.—Take a pint of stout, and add a quart of spring water. There you have him.
How to make Hats last.—Make everything else first.
How to Prevent Ale from Spoiling.—Drink it.
How to Avoid being Considered above your Business.—Never live over your shop.
How to make your Servants rise.—Send them up to sleep in the attics.
[Pg 9]
Bus Driver (to charioteer of broken-down motor-car). "I've been tellin' yer all the week to taike it 'ome, an' now yer wants to, yer cawn't!"
[Pg 10]
THE STREETS OF LONDONThe stately streets of London
Are always "up" in Spring,
To ordinary minds an ex-
traordinary thing.
Then cabs across strange ridges bound,
Or sink in holes, abused
With words resembling not, in sound,
Those Mrs. Hemans used.
The miry streets of London,
Dotted with lamps by night;
What pitfalls where the dazzled eye
Sees doubly ruddy light!
For in the season, just in May,
When many meetings meet,
The jocund vestry starts away,
And closes all the street.
The shut-up streets of London!
How willingly one jumps
From where one's cab must stop through pools
Of mud, in dancing pumps!
When thus one skips on miry ways
One's pride is much decreased,
Like Mrs. Gilpin's, for one's "chaise"
Is "three doors off" at least.
The free, fair streets of London
Long, long, in vestry hall,
May heads of native thickness rise,
When April showers fall;
And green for ever be the men
Who spend the rates in May,
By stopping all the traffic then
In such a jocose way!
[Pg 11]
Straphanger (in first-class compartment, to first-class passenger). "I say, guv'nor, 'ang on to this 'ere strap a minute, will yer, while I get a light?"
[Pg 12]
The Gas-Fitter's Paradise.—Berners Street.
Civic Wit.—A City friend of ours, who takes considerable interest in the fattening of his fowls, alleges, as a reason, that he is an advocate for widening the Poultry.
To Auctioneers.—The regulations regarding sales are not to be found in any bye laws.
Poetry and Finance.—Among all the quotations in all the money market and City articles who ever met with a line of verse?
Anything but an Alderman's Motto.—"Dinner forget."
A Gentleman who lives by his wits.—Mr. Punch.
Definition.—The Mansion House—A mayor's nest.
[Pg 13]
IN A TRAM-CAR
Lady (with smelly basket of fish). "Dessay you'd rather 'ave a gentleman settin' a-side of you?"
Gilded Youth (who has been edging away). "Yes, I would."
Lady. "Same'ere!"
[Pg 14]
Inquisitive Guardian. "By the way, have you any children?"
Applicant for Relief. "No."
Guardian. "But—er—surely I know a son of yours?"
Applicant. "Well, I don't suppose you'd call a child children!"
[Pg 15]
"Please, sir, tuppence worth of butter scrapin's, an' mother says be sure they're all clean, 'cause she's expectin' company."
[Pg 16]
UNCONSCIONABLE
Head of the Firm. "Want a holiday!? Why, you've just been at home ill for a month!"
[Pg 17]
THE FORCE OF HABIT
Traveller (suffering from the Heat of Weather, &c.). "Wesh Bromp'n—shingl'—cold 'th bit o' lemon—loo' sharp—'r else shan't kesh my train!"
[Pg 18]
THE EXILED LONDONERI roam beneath a foreign sky,
That sky is cloudless, warm and clear;
And everything is glad but I;—
But ah! my heart is far from here.
They bid me look on forests green,
And boundless prairies stretching far;
But I rejoice not in their sheen,
And longing turn to Temple Bar.
They bid me list the torrent's roar,
In all its foaming, bounding pride;
But I, I only think the more
On living torrents in Cheapside!
They bid me mark the mighty stream,
Which Mississippi rolls to sea;
But then I sink in pensive dream,
And turn my thoughts, dear Thames, to thee!
They bid me note the mountains high,
Whose snow-capp'd peaks my prospect end;
I only heave a secret sigh—
To Ludgate Hill my wishes tend.
They taunt me with our denser air,
And fogs so thick you scarce can see;
Then, yellow fog, I will declare,
Though strange to say, I long for thee.
And everything in this bright clime
But serves to turn my thoughts to thee!
Thou, London, of an earlier time,
Oh! when shall I return to thee?
[Pg 19]
Customer. "That dog I bought last week has turned out very savage. He's already bitten a little girl and a policeman, and——"
Dealer. "Lor'! how 'e's changed, mum! He wasn't at all particular what he ate 'ere!"
[Pg 20]
Panic in the CityTIME—3.30 P.M.
Excited Stockbroker.—By Jove! it's serious now.
Other dittos. Hey? what?
Excited Stockbroker. Rothschild's "gone"—
Clients (new to City, thunderstruck). Gone! Rothschild!!—but—
Excited Stockbroker. Yes. Gone to Paris.
[Exit.
What to Expect at an Hotel.—Inn-attention.
A Question for Lloyd's.—Are sub-editors underwriters?
Incidents of Taxation.—Collectors and summonses.
What a City Company does.—It may not be generally known that the duty of the Spectacle-makers is to get up the Lord Mayor's Show. Glasses round, and then they proceed to business.
Impossible Phrase.—The happy rich, the happy poor, both quite possible. But, "the happy mean"—oh no—impossible.
Song for the Town-tied Sportsman.—"How happy could I be with heather!"
[Pg 21]
Progress.
(Overheard in Kensington. Time, 9 A.M.).
Fair Club Member (lately married, to friend). "Bye, bye! Can't stop! Must rush off, or I shall be scratched for the billiard handicap!"
[Pg 22]
Policeman (to slightly sober individual, who is wobbling about in the road amongst the traffic). "Come, old man, walk on the pavement."
Slightly Sober Individual. "Pavement! Who do you take me for? Blondin?"
[Pg 23]
SKETCHED IN OXFORD STREET
[Pg 24]
Inscription to be placed over the Stock Exchange.—"Bear and for-bear."
The Price of Bread.—Twists have taken a turn; and cottages have come down in some places, owing to the falls of bricks, which continue to give way rapidly. A baker near one of the bridges has not had a roll over, which is to be accounted for by his having come down in regular steps to a level with the lower class of consumers. Plaster of Paris is in some
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