Mr. Punch's Life in London by J. A. Hammerton (i wanna iguana read aloud .txt) 📖
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
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Pinched with hard thrift's expression mean,
Disfigured with the lines of care,
I could not brook the day to see
When thou would'st not, as thou hast now,
Have all those things surrounding thee
That light the eye and smooth the brow.
Thou wilt smile calmly at my fear
That want would e'er approach our door;
I know it must to thee appear
A melancholy dream: no more.
Wilt thou not be with riches blest?
Is not my fortune ample too?
Must I not, therefore, be possessed,
To feel that dread, of devils blue?
Alas! my wealth, that should maintain,
My bride in glory and in joy,
Is built on a foundation vain,
Which soon a tempest will destroy.[Pg 160]
Yes, yes, an interest high, I know
My capital at present bears;
But in a moment it may go:
It is invested all in shares.
The company is doomed to fall,
Spreading around disaster dire,
I hear that the directors all
Are rogues—the greatest rogue thy sire!
Go—seek a happier, wiser mate,
Who had the wit to be content
With the returns of his estate,
And with Consols at three per cent!
The Feast of all Fools.—More than is good for them.
The "Lap" of Luxury.—Genuine milk in London.
Dish for Diddled Shareholders.—Bubble and squeak.
Science Gossip.—"A City Clerk and a Naturalist" asks whether there is not a bird called the ditto ditto. Is he not thinking of our old acquaintance, the do-do?
How to Make Money.—Get a situation in the Mint.—Economist.
Strange Coin.—Forty odd pounds!
[Pg 159]
The Momentous Question.
Paterfamilias (who is just beginning to feel himself at home in his delightfully new suburban residence) interrupts the wife of his bosom. "'Seaside!' 'Change of air!!' 'Out of town!!!' What nonsense, Anna Maria! Why, good gracious me! what on earth can you want to be going 'out of town' for, when you've got such a garden as this!"
[Pg 161]
SUGGESTIVE
Dissipated Ballad Howler. "Sweet spirit, 'ear my prayer!"
[Pg 162]
A Corrector of the Press.—A policeman at a crowded crossing.
Never on its Legs.—The most constant faller in the metropolis: the Strand, because it is always being picked up.
The Markets.—There was a good deal of liveliness in hops, and a party of strangers, who seemed to act together, took off the contents of all the pockets they could lay hold of. There was little doing in corn, and what barley came in was converted into barley-water for a large consumer. Peas were distributed freely in small samples through the market, by means of tin tubes; and as usual there was a good deal of roguery in grain, which it was found necessary to guard against.
The Fortnightly Review.—The account day on the Stock Exchange.
A Regular Make-shift.—The sewing machine.
City Intelligence.—We read, in a great aldermanic authority, that "a dinner is on the tapis." The tapis alluded to is, of course, Gob'lin?
[Pg 163]
THE RESULT OF CARELESS BILL-POSTING
[Pg 164]
A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY
[Pg 165]
MADAME CHRYSANTH�ME
(With apologies to "Pierre Loti.")
[Pg 166]
A Satisfactory Explanation.Mrs. Griddleton. What are those square things, coachman, you put over the poor horse's eyes?
Driver. Blinkers, ma'am.
Mrs. G. Why do you put them on, coachman?
Driver. To prevent the 'orse from blinking, ma'am.
[Inquiry closed.
Inscription for Street Letter-boxes.—"From Pillar to Post."
HOW THE TRUTH LEAKS OUT!
Scene—Hyde Park. Time: Five o'clock.
Friend. Any news? Anything in the papers?
Government Clerk. Can't say. Haven't been to the office to-day, my boy.
Why should a chimney-sweeper be a good whist player? Because he's always following soot.
Business.—Inquirer (drawing up prospectus). Shall I write "Company" with a big C?
Honest Broker. Certainly, if it's a sound one, as it represents "Company" with a capital.
[Pg 167]
"Shave, or hair cut, sir?"
"Corns, you fool!"
[Pg 168]
NOT FOR JOSEPH!
[Pg 169]
PROOF POSITIVE
Old Lady. "Do they sell good 'sperrits' at this 'ouse, mister?"
'Spectable-looking Man (But—). "Mos' d'schid'ly, look't (hic) me, mad'm—for shev'n p'nsh a'penny!!"
[Pg 170]
The Sinking Fund.—The Royal Humane Society's income.
Shrewd Suggestion.—It often happens, when the husband fails to be home to dinner, that it is one of his fast days.
The School of Adversity.—A ragged school.
Never Waste your Time.—Waste somebody else's.
Men of the Time.—Chronometer makers.
A Man in Advance of his Time.—One who has been knocked into the middle of next week.
The Deaf Man's Paradise.—The Audit Office.
Site for a Ragged School.—Tattersall's.
Stuff and Nonsense.—A City Banquet, and the speeches after it.
[Pg 171]
ZOOLOGY
"That's a porkypine, Sarah."
"No, it ain't, Bill. It's a orstridge!"
[Pg 172]
The Fish Market.Flounders were of course flat, but to the surprise of everyone they showed an inclination to come round towards the afternoon, and there were one or two transactions in whelks, but they were all of a comparatively insignificant character. Lobsters' claws were lazy at the opening, but closed heavily; and those who had a hand in them would gladly have been released if such a course had been possible.
"The Best Policy."—That with the largest bonus.
False Quantity.—Short measure.
AN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITS
Consolation Stakes.—Those you get at a City tavern the day after you have tried to eat the article at home.
[Pg 173]
A Horrible Business.
Master Butcher. "Did you take old Major Dumbledore's ribs to No. 12?" Boy. "Yes, sir." Master Butcher. "Then, cut Miss Wiggles's shoulder and neck, and hang Mr. Foodle's legs until they're quite tender!"
[Pg 174]
Little Girl (to Newsvendor, from whom she has just purchased the latest war special). "'Ere's your paper! Father says, if you don't mind 'e 'd rather 'ave the bill, 'cos there's more news in it."
[Pg 175]
Old Lady (from the country). "Well, I never! And to think burglary should have become a regular respectable trade!"
[Pg 176]
A Speculator's Apology.—You can't make the pot boil without bubbles.
Table-Turning.—Looking for a train in Bradshaw.
ARMS FOR THE PROPOSED NEW WEST-END STOCK EXCHANGE
(To be placed over the principal entrance.)
On a chevron vert, a pigeon plucked proper, between three rooks peckant, clawed and beaked gules. Crest: a head Semitic grimnant, winkant, above two pipes laid saltier-wise, argent, environed with a halo of bubbles or. Supporters: a bull and bear rampant sable, dented, hoofed and clawed gules. Motto: "Let us prey."
[Pg 177]
A Sensitive Plant.
"What, back in town already, old chappie?"
"Yes, old chappie. Couldn't stand the country any longer. Cuckoo gave me the headache!"
[Pg 178]
COMMERCIAL NEWSPoliceman O, No. I, has got such an accumulation of corn in bond, under a tight boot, that it is expected he will be allowed the benefit of nominal or fixed duty. He is one of the most extensive growers of corn in the kingdom, and always has on foot a prodigious quantity, which, when he is in competition with those who try to take advantage of his position, must naturally prevent him from striking the average.
Onions were dull at fourpence a rope, and wild ducks were heavy, with sand inside, at three and sixpence a couple.
A considerable deal of business was done in flat-irons on New Year's Day, and there was a trifling advance upon them everywhere.
The dividends on pawnbrokers' stock were payable last week, but the defaulters were very numerous. A highly respectable party in the City, in order to provide for interest coming due, is understood to have funded the greater part of his summer wardrobe.
[Pg 180]
Long fours, in the candle-market, were dull, but the ten and a half reduced rushlights brightened up towards the close of the day surprisingly.
Persons who would Benefit by Cremation.—Charwomen.
Forced Politeness.—Bowing to circumstances.
A Name of Ill Omen.—Persons who are subject to fits of toothache, and do not wish to be reminded of their distressing malady, should avoid going down Long Acre.
Pawnbrokers' "Duplicates."—Their twins.
Hagiology on 'Change.—The Brokers' Patron—St. Simon Stock.
Motto for a Tailor who makes Coats of the best Enduring Cloth.—Fuimus, i.e., We Wear.
The Licensing System.—The big brewer is a vulture, and the unpaid magistrate instrumental to his rapacity is that vulture's beak.
The Best Note Paper.—Bank of England.
[Pg 179]
CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR
Cabby (to Gent who has been dining out). "'Ere y'are, sir. This is your 'ouse—get out—be careful, sir—'ere's the step?"
Gent. "Yesh. Thash allri, but wersh my feet?"
[Pg 181]
Employer (who simply WON'T take any excuse for unpunctuality). "You are very late, Mr. Jones. Go back at once, and come at the proper time!"
[Pg 182]
Hairdresser. "Hair begins to get very thin, sir."
Customer. "Yes."
Hairdresser. "Have you tried our tonic lotion?"
Customer. "Yes. That didn't do it though."
[Pg 183]
"I 'ear that Tholomon Arons 'as 'ad 'is shop burnt out!"
"Well, 'e 'th a very good feller, Aronth ith. 'E detherves it!"
[Pg 184]
HOW THE POOR LIVE
The Rev. Mr. Smirk has brought an American millionaire friend to see for himself the distressed state of the poor of his parish.
[He'll give them a little notice next time.
[Pg 185]
First Workman. "Wot's it say, Bill, on that old sun-dial?"
Second Workman (reading deliberately). "It says, 'Do—to—day's-work—to—day.'"
First W. "'Do TWO days' work to-day!' Wot O! Not me!"
[Pg 186]
Social Evolution.
Tramp (to benevolent but inquisitive lady).—"Well, you see, mum, it were like this. I were a 'addick smoker by profession; then I got ill, and 'ad to go to the 'orspital; then I sold cats meat; but some'ow or other I got into low water!"
[Pg 187]
Miss Smith. "We've just come from Tannhauser, doctor."
The Doctor (very deaf). "Indeed! I hope you had better weather than we've been having!"
[Pg 188]
Familiar Phrase Explained.
Robinson. "Well, old chap, how did you sleep last night?"
Smith (who had dined out). "'Like a top.' As soon as my head touched the pillow, it went round and round!"
[Pg 189]
Cab Tout. "I say, Bill, lend me sixpence."
Cabby. "I can't; but I can lend
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