Mr. Punch's Life in London by J. A. Hammerton (i wanna iguana read aloud .txt) 📖
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
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Talkative Old Lady (drinking a glass of milk, to enthusiastic teetotaler, who is doing ditto). "Yes, sir, since they're begun poisoning the beer, we must drink something, mustn't we?"
[Pg 125]
Small Boy (who is somewhat cramped for room). "Are you still there, Billy? I thought you wos lost."
[Pg 126]
Irate Old Gentleman. "Here, I say, your beast of a dog has bitten a piece out of my leg!"
Dog's Owner. "Oh, bother! And I wanted to bring him up a vegetarian!"
[Pg 127]
"'Ad any breakfus' 's mornin'?" "Not a drop!"
[Pg 128]
THE INFANT'S GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE Concerning CashQuestion. What is cash?
Answer. Cash may be described as comfort in the concrete.
Q. Is it not sometimes called "the root of all evil"?
A. Yes, by those who do not possess it.
Q. Is it possible to live without cash?
A. Certainly—upon credit.
Q. Can you tell me what is credit?
A. Credit is the motive power which induces persons who have cash, to part with some of it to those who have it not.
Q. Can you give me an instance of credit?
A. Certainly. A young man who is able to live at the rate of a thousand a-year, with an income not exceeding nothing a month, is a case of credit.
Q. Would it be right to describe such a transaction as "much to his credit"?
A. It would be more precise to say, "much by[Pg 130] his credit"; although the former phrase would be accepted by a large class of the community as absolutely accurate.
Q. What is bimetallism?
A. Bimetallism is a subject that is frequently discussed by amateur financiers, after a good dinner, on the near approach of the coffee.
Q. Can you give me your impression of the theory of bimetallism?
A. My impression of bimetallism is the advisability of obtaining silver, if you cannot get gold.
Q. What is the best way of securing gold?
A. The safest way is to borrow it.
Q. Can money be obtained in any other way?
A. In the olden time it was gathered on Hounslow Heath and other deserted spots, by mounted horsemen wearing masks and carrying pistols.
Q. What is the modern way of securing funds, on the same principles, but with smaller risk?
A. By promoting companies and other expedients known to the members of the Stock Exchange.
A Good Figure-head.—An arithmetician's.
[Pg 129]
An Empty Embrace.
"'Ere y'are! Humberella rings, two a penny!"
[Pg 131]
Conductor (on "Elephant and Castle" route). "Fares, please!"
Fare. "Two elephants!"
[Pg 132]
ONE OF "LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES"
[Pg 133]
OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A FAMOUS RESTAURANT
"Hullo, Gus! What are you waiting about here for?"
"I'm waiting till the banks close. I want to cash a cheque!"
[Pg 134]
"Unsatisfactory Commercial Relations."—Our "uncles."
Country Shareholders.—Ploughmen.
Working Man, sitting on the steps of a big house in, say, Russell Square, smoking pipe. A mate passes by with plumbing tools, &c.
Man with tools. "Hullo, Jim! Wot are yer doin' 'ere? Caretakin'?"
Man on steps. "No. I'm the howner, 'ere."
Man with tools. "'Ow's that?"
Man on steps. "Why, I did a bit o' plumbing in the 'ouse, an' I took the place in part payment for the job."
[Pg 135]
THE GLORIOUS FIFTH
Benevolent Lady (fond of the good old customs). "Here, my boy, is something for your guy."
Conscientious Youth. "We ain't got no guy, mum; this 'ere's grandfather!"
A "Young Shaver."—A barber's baby.
Joint Account.—A butcher's bill.
[Pg 136]
After "The Slump" in the City.
Weak Speculator in South African market (about to pay the barber who has been shaving him). "A shilling! eh? Why, your charge used to be only sixpence."
City Barber. "Yes, sir; but you've got such a long face, we're obliged to increase the price!"
[Pg 137]
"I don't arst yer fer money. I don't want money. Wot I wants is bread. 'Ave yer got such a thing as a bit o' bread about yer, me lord?"
[Pg 138]
THE PROMOTER'S VADE MECUM (Subject to Revision after the Vacation)Question. What is meant by the promotion of a company?
Answer. The process of separating capital from its possessor.
Q. How is this end accomplished?
A. By the preparation and publication of a prospectus.
Q. Of what does a prospectus consist?
A. A front page and a statement of facts.
Q. Define a front page.
A. The bait covering the hook, the lane leading to the pitfall, the lath concealing the quagmire—occasionally.
Q. Of what is a front page composed?
A. Titles, and other suggestions of respectability.
Q. How are these suggestions obtained?
A. In the customary fashion.
Q. Can a banking account be put to any particular service in the promotion of a company?
[Pg 140]
A. Certainly; it eases the wheels in all directions.
Q. Can it obtain the good-will of the Press?
A. Only of questionable and usually short-lived periodicals.
Q. But the destination of the cash scarcely affects the promoter?
A. No; for he loses in any case.
Q. How much of his profits does he sometimes have to disgorge?
A. According to circumstances, from three-fifths to nineteen-twentieths of his easily-secured takings.
Q. And what does promotion do for the promoter?
A. It usually bestows upon him temporary prosperity.
Q. Why do you say "temporary"?
A. Because a pleasant present is frequently followed by a disastrous future.
Q. You mean, then, that this prosperity is like the companies promoted, "limited"?
A. Yes, by the Court of Bankruptcy.
[Pg 139]
"ON 'CHANGE"
Brown. "Mornin'. Fresh mornin', ain't it?"
Smith. "'Course it is. Every morning's a fresh morning! By-bye!"
[Brown's temper all day is quite unbearable.[Pg 141]
Sympathetic Passer-by. "But if he's badly hurt, why doesn't he go to the hospital?"
British Workman. "Wot! In 'is dinner-time!!"
[Pg 142]
ADVERTISEMENT PERVERSIONS (By Dumb-Crambo, Junior)
Washing wanted
Left-off clothing
Vacancy for one pupil
Branch establishment
Improver wanted in the dressmaking
Engagement wanted, as housekeeper. Highly recommended
[Pg 143]
Board and residence
Unfurnished flat
Smart youth wanted
Mangling done on the shortest notice
River Styx.—"The thousand masts of Thames."
The Man we should like to send to a S�ance.—The man who knows how to hit the happy medium.
Appropriate Locale for the Dairy Show.—Chalk Farm.
A Tidy Drop.—A glass of spirits, neat.
[Pg 144]
LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT TO BE
Designed by Mr. Punch's Special Processionist
[Pg 145]
ANOTHER SUGGESTION FOR THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW AS IT OUGHT TO BE
[Pg 146]
"'Nuts for the monkeys, sir? Buy a bag o' nuts for the monkeys!"
"I'm not going to the Zoo."
"Ah, well, sir, have some to take home to the children!"
[Pg 147]
HYDE PARK, MAY 1
Country Cousin. "What is the meaning of this, policeman?"
Constable. "Labour day, miss."
[Pg 148]
Boy (to Cabby with somewhat shadowy horse). "Look 'ere, guv'nor, you'd better tie a knot in 'is tail afore 'e gets wet, or 'e might slip through 'is collar!"
[Pg 149]
Indignant Cabby. "Shockin' bad 'orse, 'ave I? And wot's this hextra tuppence for?—to buy a new 'un with, eh?"
[Pg 150]
Quiddities. For the Old Ladies.A tea-party without scandal is like a knife without a handle.
Words without deeds are like the husks without the seeds.
Features without grace are like a clock without a face.
A land without the laws is like a cat without her claws.
Life without cheer is like a cellar without beer.
A master without a cane is like a rider without the rein.
Marriage without means is like a horse without his beans.
A man without a wife is like a fork without a knife.
A quarrel without fighting is like thunder without lightning.
Motto for a Self-made and Successful Money-lender.—"A loan I did it!"
Improper Expression.—Let it never be said, that when a man jumps for joy, "his delight knows no bounds."
The opposite to a tea-fight—A coffee-mill.
[Pg 151]
THE TIP-CAT SEASON HAS NOW COMMENCED
Street Urchin. "Now then, old 'un——Fore!"
[Pg 152]
Crossing-Sweeper (to Brown, whose greatest pride is his new brougham, diminutive driver, &c.). "'Igh! Stop! You've lost somethin'—the coachman!"
[Pg 153]
Irate Bus Driver. "You wouldn't do that for me, would yer?"
[Pg 154]
AT THE STORES. BUY—OUR TAPESTRY ARTIST
[Pg 155]
CATTLE-SHOW WEEK (By Dumb-Crambo, Junior)
Scotch polled
Best wether
Class for roots
Steers
Best butter
Cross bred
[Pg 156]
The Linen Trade.There have been a few transactions in rags at threepence a pound, and an extensive bone-grubber caused considerable excitement by bringing a quantity of waste-paper into the market which turned the scale in his own favour.
Motto for a Mourning Warehouse.—Die and let live.
Out of Place.—A vegetarian at the Cattle Show.
A Financial Authority Badly Wanted.—The man who can say "bogus" to the investing goose.
The Vegetable Market.
Asparagus is looking up, and radishes are taking a downward direction. Peas were almost nothing at the opening; and new potatoes were buoyant in the basket, but turned out rather heavy at the settling. A rush of bulls through the market had a dreadful effect upon apple-stalls and other minor securities; but all the established houses stood their ground, though the run occasioned a panic among some of the proprietors.
[Pg 157]
The Quarterly Accounts.—Clerk. "Sorry to say, sir, there's a saddle we can't account for. Can't find out who it was sent to."
Employer. "Charge it on all the bills."
[Pg 158]
A LOVE SONG OF THE MONEY-MARKETI will not ask thee to be mine,
Because I love thee far too well;
Ah! what I feel, who thus resign
All hope in life, no words can tell.
Only the dictate I obey
Of deep affection's strong excess,
When, dearest, in despair, I say
Farewell to thee and happiness.
Thy face, so tranquil and serene,
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