Divorced Of Somatic Stupidities And Happily Married by Santosh Jha (self help books to read TXT) 📖

The data may be of America but it seems, there may be a similar factsheet almost everywhere. The factsheet apart, psychologists say that this belief of soul-mate is a huge trap. They say; if you believe that there is only one person for you, you are more likely to spend energy and time looking for that person instead of cultivating an existing relationship or a possible one.

Psychologists say, Destiny Believers have passionate, intense, short-term relationships, but often they become disillusioned and frustrated when something inevitably goes wrong. They believe in ‘deal-breakers’ and are constantly looking for the ‘perfect’ person. When something negative happens in the relationship they think, “Better move on and find my person.”

Growth Believers take a bit longer to commit. Even early in the relationship they are more motivated to find solutions, compromise or explore new ideas. They often view compromising as growth. When something negative happens in the relationship they think, “Better sit together and work this out.”

Psychologists say; people who believe in romantic destiny (soul mates) primarily look for positive emotional reactions and initial compatibility with a partner. They believe people either "click" and are meant to be, or they don't and should move on.

People who believe in romantic growth (cultivation) primarily look for someone who will work and grow with them, resolving conflicts as they arise. They believe that relationships can evolve with hard work and compromise, even in difficult situations. It is more like instituting more faith in power of personal as well as mutual investment of common sense than believing blindly in ‘destiny’ or readymade ‘Made-For-Each-Other’ eventuality…

So, what surveys and psychologists point out is – Overall, the message is clear, looking for perfect compatibility and a soul mate kills motivation to work at successful relationships with good partners. In the long run, adopting a belief in romantic growth and cultivation is much more rewarding, especially for those interested in long-term relationships.

Compared to soul mates, a belief in growth does take more work, effort, and a desire to change. So, to truly have a satisfying relationship, an individual must not only give up the search for a "perfect" partner, but also be willing to admit they are not always "perfect just as they are" as well. Only then can two people work together, grow, evolve, and meet each other's needs in the long run.

The psychologies apart, the crucial question is – It is not that people, especially young people do not know what the psychologists are pointing out. They too accept that nobody is perfect and growth in relationship is in evolving with whatever is at hand. Still, the key question is why such an overwhelming majority of 73 percent believe in inevitability of soul-mate?

It seems, it is somehow another shade of contemporary consciousness, which seems to be working towards this end. Psychologists may like to work on this shade of subconscious attitude, which works in favour of soul-mate. It is however a humble suggestion. People may check it out with their own consciousness and ask, is that true?

What seems to work behind this overwhelming soul-mate idealism is probably a contemporary sense of ‘empowerment’. We have talked about it as why both men and women, especially young, feel that they are now empowered and endowed and that is why they deserve nothing but best in their lives. They are brand aware and look for ‘fine-fit’ or to say the ‘best-fit’ in their lives. They feel, not any job would do but only that job is the option which ‘I want’ for myself. Not any car or any house would do. Only that would do, what ‘best-fits’ my current life-living position and status.

This ‘best-fit’ is deeply ingrained in the subconscious mind and we all feel, we have attained this much, we have done the hard-work and we deserve nothing but best. There is one something, which is right for me. This only shall do, not any fit shall do.

Once a girl said, ‘I am a scientist and I simply cannot think of my soul-mate being anything but a better scientist...!’ This syndrome of only the ‘best-fit’ for me seems to be behind this insistence over soul-mate.

A soul-mate is nothing but a perfect-fit or the ‘best-fit’ for me. The idea of a soul-mate is a ‘rigidity’ of worldview, which refuses to accept any fit. It insists on and is unapologetic about anything but the ‘best-fit’. This is calamitous. Compatibility and what we term as ‘fitting’ is seldom a physical or tangible idea. It is rather an intangible idea. Compatibilities are not in similarities but assimilation. Two similar things may not be compatible. Compatibilities are rather seldom ‘readymade’. It is evolved together when two people accept the cardinal idea of assimilation of higher consciousness. For assimilation, there has to be a critical quality of malleability and plasticity. And, this malleability is not in physicality but intangibility of higher consciousness…

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CHAPTER 6

In what could well be accepted as a larger good of not only humanity but all creatures on this planet earth is a clichéd – One single thing which everyone wants, in varying quotients, is love. As human ingenuity would have it, there are equal counterweights to it. This does not make life any bit simple and buttery. The popular refrain, it may not be but, true it is that people usually are Too Difficult To Be Loved…!

It is not rare to find people who are really musical, beautiful, endowed in many senses and above all, desirable of the thing called love. Still, all these do not make it any less difficult; why?

There is a huge plexus of battling nerves and conflicting-struggling attitudes – a complex psychology to get to the bottom of the trouble. Between people, there seems to be a simple mathematics; easy to be learnt but so very arduous to accept and enjoy. And what it may possibly be…!

We all look for HCF in relationships as a start and end up compromising with LCF. This is mathematics operative at its gullible best! People are people, never a static idea or entity and finding a rhythm between two people is all about a search of ‘commonality’ – commonality of consciousness primarily. The struggle starts with it being the Highest Common Factor (HCF) or Lowest Common Factor (LCF).

Ideal it is that in relationships commonality should not be ‘the criterion’ rather, compatibility should be a function of ‘un-commonality’. But all goodness has to be practical and so we are talking about practical and real, not ideal.

People in relationship have this tragic tendency to first look for HCF of the compatibility and later, as the dust settles down, they accept and live the poor LCF which is more of a ‘compromise’ than ‘compatibility’.

Does it sound a better idea to admit and proceed that each human is distinct, even bizarre, a maverick in his or her own right and already married or committed to his or her own idiosyncrasies? It actually paves ground for LCF-led planning processes…

So, can we do well by reversing this mathematics! Let us start with an innocuous and humble LCF. Let it be the basis of a ‘workable compatibility’ and then, as they say time is the best leveler. The relationship could slowly but steadily evolve and inch towards this elusive HCF.

This hypothesis to start a relationship with an LCF has practical prudence. The practicality emanates out of the contemporary realism that young minds, when they enter into a relationship, are primarily loaded with two precarious elements –

As their life-living conditions and milieus are still changing, they always have a changing cognition – that is, they are still not sure of what is good or right for them and what is not. Instable mind consciousness is not suitable for a relationship based on HCF. The minds of young are ever changing and that is why LCF-based relationship-start is pragmatic.

There are two different states of living for all of us. First is individualistic living and second is mutuality living. For most of young people, individualistic living is a realism, they are so used to. Love and marriages are not individualistic space, they are domains of mutuality. Young mind consciousness is not instinctively and attitudinally geared for mutuality-life & living utilities and worth. That is why, when young people start a love relationship or enter marriage, they should opt for LCF-based start as HCF is not practically a feasible proposition. Naturally, as the LCF start has better chances of evolving and maturing into a stable HCF-living in mutuality-domain, this seems like the right recipe for relationship.

However, the primary thing must be asserted here. That is – Love in itself is a passion-driven vehicle. It has in-built tendencies and attitudes for ‘mishaps’. However, love needs the cushion of compassion, which ensures that navigation of all driving thing is slow-steady and smooth. Always mix love with compassion as only this mix can lead the LCF to the finality and fruition of HCF!

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CHAPTER 7

Often, desirability is not a readymade availability. Both – Desirability and Availability, do not seem to have a readymade Compatibility. Choices themselves are varied and what fits in to an individual may not be exactly what life serves or availability has the inventory for. This seems true for most things in life. Still, nothing seems impossible, though difficult it may seem, as human skills and faculties should never say ‘no’, even if a yes is always tough to come by...!

This is a common conundrum. You go shopping and it would be tough to buy even a shirt, which is precisely to what you have in mind and what you have imagined should be your best choice. Think of looking for a ‘life-partner’ and you shall surely admit, what has been said above – Desirability and Availability, do not seem to have a readymade Compatibility...!

Often, the man a woman seeks or the vice-versa, seems to have evaporated from earth. Thankfully, if a woman gets her right man, it seems, this man is already in love with other or does not seem anyway interested. Or, worst, even when this right man becomes ‘available’, it seems, he is good but not the ‘right package’ for marriage or a lasting relationship...!

People are already talking of two major global trends for humanity (do kindly accept some humour) –

Most American men are not willing to marry...!

Most Indian men and women are ‘willing’ but ‘unsure’, how to marry...!

No doubt, it is very crucial for both men and women to find the ‘right package’ in his or her partner. Life is already too tough, how can one afford to have ‘not so smooth’ marital life. This fear is already making both men and women, especially women feel scared of marriage...!

Somehow, it is a very humble assertion that life has never been easy or complicated. It has been what it is. However, we, as individuals as well as collectively make our lives easy or complicated. It needs to be accepted that marriage, let alone ‘good marriage’ has never been easy anywhere. However, for both marriage and good marriage, this is probably the best time...!

Somehow, it is a revisiting feeling in all of us as, how good it could be if we all could know, where is my ‘Mr. Right’ or ‘Ms. Right’. The simple trouble is – There always is not only one or two ‘Mr. Rights’ or ‘Ms. Rights’ but so many of them. If we cannot hit it ‘right’ then there must be something not so ‘right’ with the way we look for them...!

Let us admit it with heart-felt simplicity and innocent sincerity that people are different and their choices shall always be different. What we need, the availability is always there, though not in over-supply but sufficient! After all one needs only one person for marriage...!

The simple solution is two way –

You have to be very categorically defined and logically correct in ascertaining what is your choice for a life-partner; what is your desirability...

You have to prioritize your choices as what I cannot compromise on and