The Self Harmed by Chalen D. (libby ebook reader .txt) 📖

Ryder hugged me next.

"Did you lose more weight while you where gone?" Ayelie asked.
    "No." I shook my head.

"I can see it here." Clara touched my waist with both hands.

"Yeah, and a bit in the cheeks." Ryder added

"Maybe, I don't really know."

I looked down at myself. Did I really lose more weight?

 

~Big Brother's Advice~

I opened my door and looked out a a guy.

"Hey." He smiled. "I'm Cyrus. I'm you're big brother, for the big sibling program?"

"Oh Right. They told us about that. Um. Come in." I opened the door wider and he walked into my room. "Just sit down where ever."

In group they told us they where going to pair us up with someone that was older, and had graduated from school. They went through the same issues you are going through now. He sat on the chest.

"So How's this place treating you?" He asked, as I sat on my bed and shoved my feet under the covers. "They changed a lot of stuff since I've been here."

"When was the last time you were here?"

"Monday." He grinend at me. "I had to sign some papers for the Big Sibbling program."

"You know what I mean." I rolled my eyes and smiled.

"Well I came here wen I was fifteen." He nooded. "Right off the bat everyone thought I was crazy So they plopped me in this place. I graduated, at Eighteen and Now I'm twenty three."

"What meds do you take?"

"None. I'm med free. I don't need to depend on pills."

"Really?" My eye brows raised. "Me to. Does it get better? Does the pain ever stop?"

"It gets." His eyebrows pulled toegther. "Easier to deal with."

"Aren't you supposed to tell Me I'll be perfect again?"

He looked up at me, "You want me to lie to you Charlie?"

"No." I shook my head. "I just thought maybe things would get better."

"It did, For a little bit."

"When?" I patted my bed, and he sat closer to me.

"I was twenty one." He said. "I got into a group were people smoked weed. I tried it. It made everything better. I wasn't sad. I'd go to bed high, wake up high, and get high through the day."

"What happened?"

"I realized that maybe this is what the pills would do to me if I was on them. So I quit. The withdraws where really bad. I was mean to people, I felt like I was light headed all the time. I wanted to pick up the pipe again But I didn't."

"Why?" I asked. "Why didn't you pick up the pipe? It made everything better, Cyrus."

"It did Charlie. But It was just masking my problems. I couldn't turn to weed all the time for everything. I knew that If I stopped, my problems would come rushing back ten fold. And they did."

"And then?" I asked, as he took off his jacket.

"I was Twenty-two. I ended up in the hospital."

"Why?"

"The voices in my head told me to kill myself. I wasn't good enough."

"So you listened."

"Yeah." He sighed. "And when I got out of the hospital-"

"You went back to weed."

He nodded, "Then I got caught up with the cops. I told the court my story, and they gave me a green card. I don't really smoke the weed unless There's something I can't handle. And I can handle a lot."

I sighed.

"Charlie." He looked down his eye brows pulled together.

"Yeah?"

"Look at me."

I looked at him.

"Honey, You're way to young to let the world break you."

I looked back down, feeling the first tears fall.

"I wasn't always like this you know."

"Like what?"

"I didn't cut or starve." I looked up at him. "I used to smile, my arms were scar free."

"And then?"

"And then My best friend killed himself. My parents sent me here after he died."

He nodded.

"And then all of the sudden he should up here, claiming he lost all his memories, but he remembered his name."

Cyrus' eyes wided, "Damn I couldn't of handdled that."

"He came to me saying he remembered me, and he wanted to know if I was okay."

He nodded, "What did you tell him?"

"I wrote letters to him, affter he died. I handed over the letters, and told him goodbye. And then I went home."

"And then you came back. Why?"

"I went home and then found out my Dad was cheating on my Mom. He said things where bad between him and Mom. So I thought that I could weave them back together somehow, by using me. Give them something to work together on."

"By hurting yourself."

I nodded, "Stupid right?" I laughed, looking at the roof. "It didn't even work. So I came back here. They just freaked out every time I cut or every time I skipped a meal."

"Can I see?"

"See what?"

He pointed at my arm.

"Sure." I said, eyebrows pulled together.

It was the first time I had ever pulled my arm out of my jacket sleeve, and held my arm out for someone to inspect. He smiled, and I trusted him. He took my hand, and then truned my arm around. I looked down at the jagged alone that was carved across the top of my arm.

"Bet there's a story behind that." He looked up at me.

I nodded, and shoved my arm back into the sleeve.

"Am I going to know the story someday?"

I nodded. "Owen, my friend, He had an older sister named Lucy. She had alone carved into her arm like mine, and when she killed herself Owen carved it into his arm."

"And when you thought Owen was gone, you carved it into your arm."

"Yeah." I looked down. "Owen made me promise that I would never cut. No matter how bad things got, I always had him around."

"So you broke your promise to him, when he broke his to you."

I nodded.

"Does Owen know?"

"If he read the letters." I nodded. "I said something about it in the first letter I wrote him."

"So have you talked to him since you've been back?"

"I haven't even seen him." I told him. "I've been locked in my room. Clara brings my food, but I just toss it out the bared window."

"Why don't you eat?"

"I don't really feel like it."

He nodded.

I lay back, and shoved my hands behind my head. He got up, walked around my bed, kicked off his shoes and streached out beside me.

"Come here kid."

I rolled over and he put an arm around me.

"What's the reason you don't want to eat?"

"No reson." I picked at a fuzz ball on his shirt.

"There's always a reason Charlie. Trust me, I know."

"I just don't feel like eating anything. I don't feel like doing anything."

"You know what would change that attitude?"

"What?"

"If you talked to your friend."

"I do talk to them."

"If you talk to Owen."

"I can't."

"Eventually you'll have to. It will make you feel better, and you can't hide in your room forever."

"I can try."

"But what's the fun in that?" He asked, "You need to go see your friends."

"They come and see me."

"How long do you think it'll last before they get tired of being the only ones trying?"

"If they quit they quit. I give up on me too."

"I know Two people who would never give up on you."

"Who?" I asked. "Please don't say my parents."

"I was going to say me."

"Oh."

"And I was going to say-"

"Owen." I finished for him.

"You know he'd never give up on you."

"I know."

"So talk to him."

"I'll think about it okay?"

"Okay." He kissed my head. "I have to get going. My time here is up."

I sat up and wiped my face.

"Want to walk me to the loby?"

I nodded and took off the blankets. I grabbed his arm and we walked to the lobby in scilence. Once in the loby he took my face in his hands.

"Goodbye litte sister."

"Bye Big Brother."

He kissed my forhead, smiled, and then hugged me. He waved from the door and I waved back. I watched him go and then went back to my room. I opend my suit case and there it was. The envelope with the 'Old Charlotte Rose' on the front. I picked it up and sat down. I opend it, and unfolded the letter.

*Day one,

I've only been away from you for a day and it's killing me. I just hope you understand what I did if we ever cross paths again. I had to get away and find myself, or I'd end up like Lucy. I had no idea where I'd end up, so I didn't tell you. I really do hope that you'll understand me. And If you don't and your pissed at me, I guess that's my fault. -Owen to Charlie*

I looked over the six papers front and back. There was a little note for everyday that he was gone. I folded the letters and stuffed them back into the envlope. I shoved it into the back of my desk drawer and then took out a shirt unfolding it. There was a knock on my door and I looked over, as it was pushed open.

"Hey." I smiled.

"Hey." Ryder nodded, "Need some help?"

"Nope." I looked back to him. "But you can watch me."

He sat on the unmade bed, and looked at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Owen's worried about you."

"Okay." I nodded.

"He read your letters Charlie. He told me stuff that you never told anyone here. But you told him."

"He was my best friend."

"He asked around about you."

"And?"

"And he hit rock bottle until He walked over to Ayelie." He looked at me again. "She told him everything she knew."

I nodded, and put a shirt away.

"Are you mad?"

"No." I shook my head.

"Why not?"

" 'Cause it doesn't matter. To me my friend died a colpe months ago."

He watched me quietly.

"Is that all?"

He nodded, "And I just wanted to say hi."

"Hi." I smiled.

"How are you?"

"Fine."

"I really hate that word."

"I'm alive."

"So are you going to talk to him?"

"I don't want to talk about this."

"Well We miss you. The old you. Now you just hide in your room."

"So?"

He looked down.

I tossed a pair of shoes by the dresser.

"So what's your big siblings name?"

"Cyrus." I tossed a shirt into the middle drawer. "Yours?"

"Cindy."

I nodded.

He watched me quietly as I unpacked the rest of my bag.

~New day New start~

When I woke up the next morning it wasn't becuase of the usual talk right outside my door, it was the first of the sun rays that woke me up. I tossed my covers off and walked to the window pushing back the curtain. My view was of a grassy field. I looked down and pulled my sleeves over my cut up arms. I carefully stuck my thumbs through the wholes in the cuffs and then left my room. The hall was